Update: “Fed Up with Flaccid” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from Fed Up with Flaccid, a woman who was questioning her relationship with her boyfriend of two years because of his reluctance to propose, his proclivity for kinky sex, and his erectile dysfunction (that he blamed her for, despite a medical diagnosis). A year and a half later, are they still together? Her update below:

I am following up on a letter I sent about a year and a half ago about my now ex-boyfriend’s ED and his kinky desires. I think the ladies who read your column will be happy to know that I did leave him shortly after I sent in the letter, not because of your advice, but just because I felt I’d be better off. I do think you give good advice in general, but I think in the case of my letter, you misinterpreted my message. You titled the column “My Boyfriend Blames Me for his ED.” I never said he blamed me for it, just that he was using his sexual satisfaction as a barometer for the relationship. You are right, I did need to run, but telling someone to “just leave” is overly simplistic in many situations. I noticed you have posted my letter many times, which you have the right to do: and the ladies in the comments laugh or just say “leave.” I didn’t mention my ex’s good qualities in the letter. He could be a very good listener, gave good massages, was romantic and a good dancer. I think our letters are very one-sided at times.

Also, I wanted to say, over 50% of men get ED after age 50 if not before. This is something we should talk more openly about. I think much of society keeps it hush, hush which makes it worse. It is nothing to be ashamed of, but because we rarely talk about ED, neither men or women know what to do when it happens. Obviously a man with ED should go to the doctor, but they are often ashamed to do so. Men and women should partner to figure out ways to get pleasure without an erection.

Anyways, I just wanted to clarify and say yes, ladies, I did the obvious and left him, but it was a complicated decision because a man having ED should not mean we automatically leave.

Thank you,
Single and Happier

Thank you for your update and for clarifying your original message. Re-reading that column which, apparently I’ve posted many times!, I see that my response was, indeed, very simplistic. If I were to answer your letter again, I’d tell you that the ED is the least of the issues you laid out. His lack of interest in marrying you, his gaslighting you, and your mis-matched sexual interests are all reasons to leave as well. I’m glad you got out and hope you’re doing well today!

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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One Comment

Anonymous says:

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What? “He could be a very good listener, gave good massages, was romantic and a good dancer”? Um, those are very shallow attributes upon which to build a long lasting relationship, and I think this LW knows it, because she is no longer with him. He was not kind to her, blamed her for his inability to find sexual satisfaction, and was quite emotionally and verbally abusive to her. The fact that he sometimes could exhibit some minor positive qualities does not make him a good partner. I am baffled as to why this letter writer defends this man so much.