Updates: “Birth Mother” Responds

About four and a half years ago I wrote to you asking for advice on ending a relationship I had been in for over two years with a man who was with me through the adoption of my son (whom I conceived with someone else prior to dating him). I recently remembered I had written you, and I wanted to respond after re-reading my column, your response, and the wonderful comments from your readers.

Although I claimed to be asking for advice, what I was really seeking was permission to end the relationship. You see, I knew that I no longer wanted to date this person; I just couldn’t find the courage to admit that because of the incredible guilt and fear I was experiencing. I had not given myself time to understand the grief and loss I was experiencing in t he aftermath of the adoption. Giving my son up for adoption was a hard decision, one that I can’t take back. I’ve since learned it was only a small part of the pain I was experiencing.

As for an update on where I am now…well, it’s been quite a journey, one that I am incredibly grateful for. Within a couple years of writing to you, I ended my relationship, I graduated, and I moved to a new city, which catapulted me into a life of recovery. Many of your readers recommended attending a support group. I’ve been attending 12-step meetings for two and a half years, and they’ve been such a gift of healing for me. After my breakup, I dated someone else who wasn’t the right partner for me, and then I found myself single for over a year.

Being single was something I was so afraid of, albeit something I was unwilling to admit. Yet, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I’ve been on a journey of learning who I am, what my limits are, what I like, and whom I want to spend my time with. I’ve healed old relationships from the past: with myself, with my family, and with my friends. I’ve developed connections in my new city, and I have built confidence in myself and my abilities.

I feel the most content I have ever felt in my life. I have hope, and I am learning to take care of myself before taking care of others. I want to thank you and the letter readers for their kind words. Although I wish I could have taken your advice sooner, I wasn’t in a place where I could do so. I must say, it has been worth the time it took to get here. I believe all of the well wishes and love in the comments were a part of the journey, even if they were a very small part.

Currently, I’m in a relationship with a fantastically supportive man. It feels great to be with someone because I genuinely want to be and not because I’m scared of what will happen if I’m not. Now I know, whatever I’m feeling is ok, and the only thing I can do is listen to it at the moment. When I don’t, I’m doing myself a disservice.