Updates: “Crazy in Love” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Crazy in Love” who was suspicious that her boyfriend was cheating on her so she snooped on his phone and found sketchy texts from another woman. She confronted her boyfriend and he explained that they were just friends. She wondered whether she should trust him. Keep reading to see where things stand between them now and if she ever learned any more about that mystery woman who was texting her boyfriend.
As I suspected, I DID have reason for concern, to an extent.
This female friend was someone he dated two years before I met him. She cheated on him with an old boyfriend and left him to go back to the ex. A few months before I met him, she and her ex had broken up and she and my SO were getting together for NSA sex. When he met me, he told her that he had met someone and would not be seeing her anymore. That’s when the problem started. She had some psycho tendencies and would call him in a panic, threatening to harm herself if he didn’t come over. Because he cared about her as a friend, he went. And while there, she would seduce him. This happened twice and, he said, it happened before we declared our monogamy/being a couple.
For the next 18 months, she tried and tried to get him to come to her house. He DID answer her texts and phone calls, but said he did nothing to encourage her to keep after him. She pretty much said she would be relentless until she had him back. And being the overly nice guy he is, he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by getting ugly with her. He did nicely ask her to stop contact on numerous occasions. She would stop for a few months, but then start contacting him again.
When he announced on Facebook that we were engaged, she went nuts. Called him crying, etc. . . . telling him how she thought they’d have a chance as long as he didn’t marry me. He told her once and for all to leave him alone. This was in November of last year. She texted him three times after that and he did not respond to her. She then texted him on New Year’s Eve to say, “Happy New Year’s Eve, Baby.” Of course, I was with him and he showed me the text. He was at a loss as to how to get her to stop contacting him. Well, I took matters into my own hands and sent her a very nasty text message. I am not one to curse much, but my text was full of profanity. Yes, it might’ve been immature of me, but we both wanted her to leave him alone. He then blocked her number and blocked her from Facebook. To date, she has made no attempt to contact him. I think she finally got the picture!
Yes, she caused us some problems, but we worked through them because we sincerely love each other. Initially, he was being shady and doing things behind my back, and sometimes that is hard for me to forget. But I try to focus on what we have now and I do trust him completely. I do not believe he would ever hurt me by getting involved with another woman. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.
It sounds like it took your now-husband a while to get the picture, too. If you’re dating someone you care about and another person is vying for your attention, to the point of being disrespectful, you have to pick a side and cut communication with the one you don’t choose. That means not being Facebook friends and not answering calls and emails and texts. When you’re dealing with a stalker, ANY response you give him or her is huge. I’m glad that your husband finally figured that out, that he stopped responding to her, and that she seems to be leaving you both alone now. Good luck to you.
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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“I took matters into my own hands and sent her a very nasty text message. I am not one to curse much, but my text was full of profanity. Yes, it might’ve been immature of me, but we both wanted her to leave him alone. He then blocked her number and blocked her from Facebook.”
Just out of curiosity…why not just block the number and Facebook? Would that not have stopped the contacting? The nasty text served what point?
I’m glad your husband finally “got it”, but I agree with Wendy, when there’s someone causing drama for both of you, your husband should of stood up to this woman and told her if she didn’t stop contacting him he would contact the authorities (which doesn’t stop a crazy person from coming to your house, but it seems like this woman wasn’t going THAT far). Being a “nice guy” can sometimes be a euphamism for being cowardly and not doing the more difficult (but right) thing. She probably kept reaching out because your husband was reciprocating her efforts in some way or she thought she had a chance. That being said, hopefully you can just move forward from all of this and put it behind you!
Ehh, this guy encouraged her at every turn. Going to her house, responding to her texts, answering the phone, taking 18 months or so to block her number and on Facebook. He could write a handbook on how to keep your “crazy” ex in your life.
Maybe this guy really is nice to a fault, but I don’t know a lot of people (men, in particular) who’d put up with 18 months of this shit if they really didn’t want to.
My thoughts exactly.
I’ve got a friend who really is nice to a fault, he’s been screwed over by people who take advantage of that. But even he would, I imagine, cool it with the crazy ex if he had a girlfriend who was obviously bothered by their interactions.
“Maybe this guy really is nice to a fault, but I don’t know a lot of people (men, in particular) who’d put up with 18 months of this shit if they really didn’t want to.”
————
The “wanting to” part is “wanting to believe that he’s really such a special white knight that he’s the only one who can save her–that she really couldn’t live and thrive without his support.” He may have convinced himself he was doing the right thing to talk her down off the ledge (for 18 months of the circus), but really, it’s a form of narcissism.
Yes, I have some bitterness around this subject :-p
Sorry, but she didn’t “seduce” him. She offered and he willingly jumped into bed with her. It’s not like she tricked him or used her womanly wiles to make it nearly impossible for him to say no. He made a choice and slept with her. And of course she would keep contacting him after that! He was a willing booty call. Why not? She’s not crazy. He was just unfaithful.
Exactly. And do we even know if she was actually threatening to hurt herself, or did she just simply invite him over for sex?
Very true. It would be a very convenient excuse for him to say that he had sex with someone to save her life. “See honey, I did such a noble thing! I saved someone’s life. Aren’t you proud of me for cheating on you?”
I have known people with self-esteem so low that they threaten self-harm to get someone to stay with them, so that’s definitely real, but if someone gives in to that, it’s all on them.
Or maybe she is crazy and he’s unfaithful.
In an update in the original thread, the LW said she was pregnant and I wonder if she had the baby.
I was wondering about that, too.
Yeah, I just saw that mini-update on the original letter. There is no mention of that here…
“Because he cared about her as a friend, he went. And while there, she would seduce him. This happened twice and, he said, it happened before we declared our monogamy/being a couple.”
I can’t believe that you believe this LW. Oh, poor man he couldn’t help it he was seduced! This is SO LAME and really demeaning to all people. This sentiment propagates the falsehood that men can’t help but have sex when they encounter a seductor/seductress, so they aren’t responsible for the potential consequences of having sex. As adults, we are each capable of making choices, but we also have to live with the consequences of those choices.
Yes! This wasn’t up when I started writing my post below, this was exactly what I wanted to express.
This is what I find sketchy –> “And while there, she would seduce him” Statements like that indicate he had no part on what went on. It’s not that I doubt your fella on the general picture LW, but it’s good practice to own intimacy that one chooses to engage in. If I were in this situation, I’d make it a priority to keep on working on communication, with a focus on owning one’s actions (actually, this is a priority in my relationships in general).
Yeah right, he goes over once as just a friend while in relationship with another women, and she seduces him, so he decides it is a good idea to go and do it again? Hey lets blame everything on the crazy ex.
Yeah, I have to say, I’ve definitely been invited over to the houses of some insistent exes before, and the times I went, I was secretlybutnotreallyokayyeahireallywas hoping to get laid.
At least I own that, though.
I think you were just seduced. I hate when that happens.
Yup, I blinked and all of a sudden, holy hell, where did that penis come from?!?!
Tripping and falling is the worst.
IDK … this update set off my BS detector. “No, baby, this chick is crazy, she’s texting me all the time, I’m only responding because I’m a nice guy and don’t want her to hurt herself, nothing’s happening when I go over to her house” … I mean, hopefully the LW and her husband (!) don’t have any problems going forward, but I really don’t think she got the truth about that situation.
it set off my BS detector big time….the ex is a crazy psycho who is capable of seducing him….poor guy, NOT! the guy is so full of shit. he got busted with the whole Happy New Years Eve baby text and was forced to block the chic….I think he’d still be hooking up with her if he hadn’t gotten caught….I think he did end up choosing the LW over this girl, but damn this guy is shady….divorce update in 3….2….1
I just went back and read the original post and HOLY CRAP these people are in their 40s/50s???? I really thought, reading the update, that with this much ridiculous drama that they were all early- to mid-20s. SMDH!
Yeah, something about his behavior before cutting off communication because of the NYE text just seemed a little bit shady. He’s a big boy. No one can make him answer a “crazy chick’s” texts and message, and certainly no one can make him drag himself over to her place and bone her. I just wonder if the boyfriend now husband found it awfully convenient to play the victim for as long as possible. But hopefully now with marriage, he has shown that he can pick a side.
I love how people use “seduce” in a context similar to “date rape.” I mean, I don’t want to say that’s impossible, that she could drug him or guilt him to the point that he would feel pressured to have sex he didn’t want, because I’m sure that happens. But if she’s just coming on really strong, it’s not like he suddenly blinked and found himself in her vagina. There are decisions that happen to get there. You have to make yourself okay with certain betrayals of another person’s trust in order to have sex with someone else.
If you weren’t exclusive, there’s a certain amount of wiggle room in the definition of fidelity, certainly, and so LWs now-husband’s having sex with the crazy-good seductress who possessed his brain and decision-making skills isn’t necessarily the horrible betrayal it would have been had he done it a year in. What bothers me is how he – or maybe the LW – attempts to absolve him of all responsibility for the sex he willingly had. Because who’s to say he couldn’t blink and find himself inside the vagina of some other femme fatale?
“…it’s not like he suddenly blinked and found himself in her vagina.”
BAHAHAHHA!! You’re hilarious and I kind of love you.
Aw thanks 🙂 I love you too, TA!
@PL I agree. This woman might have been seducing, but the guy accepted her advances. You can’t really trick someone into a hook up!
Exactly! she makes it sound like seduction = hypnosis.
MUCH better way of putting it, Rainbow. Hypnosis.
this sounds completely like something my father would do. I don’t mean that as a compliment, he is a horrible cheater and horrible at monogamy.
LW- are you sure you aren’t dating my dad? He is known to have at least 2 women on string at a time.
She did say the husband likes to hang around with a younger crowd.
Alright, I gotta say LW I’m kind of happy for you? But your update really leaves me concerned.
I understand wanting to be there for someone and feeling guilty, especially if it is true that she was threatening her life. But, like Wendy put so well, when you’re truly over someone you make a commitment to that. He should have been telling her “I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but I’m in a new relationship and you need to stop contacting me. I will be blocking you, deleting your number, etc.” I’m not saying I don’t think his ex was crazy, but it’s not like he really did make every effort to cut her out of his life for the sake of your relationship. In fact, YOU were the one that put a stop to it when it should have been him.
Not to mentioned the line “She seduced him”. I’m not saying he NECESSARILY did anything wrong by being intimate with her if you two truly weren’t an item yet but… he didn’t just accidentally fall into her vagina. I doubt she held a gun to his head and said have sex with me or I’ll kill you. Even one time I felt like a guy kind of seduced me, I still know that I made a conscious decision to go as far with him as I did. I could have said no. The point is, your SO could have said no. The way you phrase it seems to absolve him of any responsibility.
Really though, I do hope you two are happy and healthy and that drama is behind you both. But I’ll admit I’m somewhat skeptical that this relationship is meant for the long run. Good luck LW.
Clearly he went over to her house expecting and hoping to be seduced. I’d say this for 90% positive on the first occasion. Anybody really think this could possibly not be true on subsequent occasions. “gee, my ex seduced me after asking me to come to her house to help her/talk. Now it’s happened again, and again, and again. I just don’t understand how this could be happening to me.”
LW’s husband doesn’t sound like the sort of guy whose timeline on all of this should be believed. After being seduced against his will multiple times, he still remained in contact with his ex. Even knowing it upset his new gf.
LW seems more than a little desperate to accept this line and marry the guy. Cursing out the gf for seducing her man — yeah, that has the situation solved. Like this is the only woman her husband can cheat with. He now knows he needs to do a better job of covering his electronic tracks. The NSA knows he’s still a cheater.
Good luck with that marriage, LW. You’re gonna need it. Please! She managed to seduce him TWICE — but only AFTER threatening suicide? Yeah, right. I mean, sure, nothing gets a man’s cock more hard than some psycho-bitch threatening to off herself. Works every time. Hell, it could replace viagra.
God, some women are soooooooooooooooooooooo gullible. It’d be funny, if it wasn’t so tragic.
I just read all of your comments today and would like to respond and answer some of your questions.
In regards to the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage early on. It was quite difficult for both of us and we are still healing from our loss. However, because the pregnancy was a surprise to us, we decided because of our ages (44/49) and the fact that we already have 4 children between us (ages 10, 15, 18, 19), it would be best for us to focus on the children we have. So, my husband had a vasectomy last November. No swimmers!
Well… I typed this big, long response and tried to address everyone’s concerns, comments, etc… and just going back over all the details has made me feel sick. I’m tired of thinking about it and we are trying hard to move past it. The only thing I can say is he has taken full responsiblity for his actions and he has owned up to his part in this situation. And while it hurt me very badly, even though it was early on in our relationship (two months), I chose to forgive him. Sometimes I have to choose every day to forgive him. I won’t ever forget what he did or how it made me feel, but I do forgive. I love him very much and every day trust is being re-established. I want to grow old with him by my side. He is a good man. I know some of you will feel our relationship is doomed or headed for the divorce court… but the only ones that need to believe in it is my husband and I. And we do… for life.