Dear Wendy
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People still have bridal showers? I didn’t have one myself and I’ve never been to one. Do people *like* bridal showers? Like, anyone? Elderly aunts seem to because they’re the only ones I’ve ever heard push bridal showers before (and the ones I’ve been invited to – but didn’t go to – were hosted by elderly aunts), but I thought among younger generations they were sort of falling out of favor. No?
Im not discounting your experience, Ange. I don’t know what your experience with kids even is, which was why I asked. I think most people who have extensive experience with young children understand that while, sure, socialization plays a part in the way kids behave — which I think is more apparent, at least in terms of gender, as people reach adulthood and start living out the adult roles they saw modeled for them as kids — *biology* plays a huge role in kids’ behavior. I wouldn’t be so quick to discount *that* is my point. You are arguing that gendered stereotypes are based on how kids are raised, and as someone who is actively raising young children and observing lots and lots of other young children being raised, I’m arguing that you’d be surprised how early and how strong the gender stereotypes present themselves, even absent of sexist childrearing.
One surprising thing I’ve noticed, at least in our experience and in the early grades, it isn’t the boys who are bullies, it’s the girls! Unfortunately, Jackson was subject to some bullying this year, and the kids of fiends of mine have also been subject to it (at the same school) and 100% of the time, the bullies have been the girls. They are just much more aware of other kids’ vulnerabilities and differences. When boys at that age “misbehave”, is much more in a good-natured goofing off sense (i.e. class clowning) vs. being mean. Little girls, man – they can be cruel as fuck.
For example, when I chaperone school field trips or I volunteer at school lunch and recess, I get to see 150 kids of the same age and observe their behavior. There is absolutely a difference in the ways boys play and relate to each other and behave and express themselves vs how the girls play and relate to each other, etc. there are exceptions, of course, and there’s a spectrum of behavior traits, but there’s most definitely a feminine end of the spectrum and a masculine end, and at 5, 6, 7 years old, most of the kids are not trying to meet societal expectations of how the should behave; their behavior is much more organic than that. And I promise There’s a different experience between, say, chaperoning a group of 5 7-year-old boys on a field trip vs a group of 5 7-year-old girls, and anyone who has extensive experience with kids, can tell you immediately what the difference is, and it’s not related to kids watching women in their families wash dishes at a holiday get-togethers (that kind of gender messaging shows up in people’s behavior and identity later).
Ok, so you don’t have kids then, right, ange? And you’re not a teacher who’s around kids a lot? I’m not trying to pick on you but have you considered that sometimes the things parents say about their kids (specifically in relation to their gender) is formed by their actual experiences and observations more societal expectations?
Do you have kids, Ange? I think you might be surprised how innate gender is and how little upbringing has to do with gender, actually.
OMG, a Disney wedding sounds absolutely god awful.
Hunter inspired me to do some googling, and guess what is the number one search result when you google “advice forum”?
Now, if only DW could break like the top five pages for “relationship advice”…
Woah, this was a strange read this morning. Listen, Hunter, I believe you’re a 16-year-old boy who believes you did something great in 3rd-grade and can’t understand why people aren’t giving you the credit you think you deserve. I also believe that you were diagnosed with Autism when you were very young and I believe that that diagnosis is absolutely relevant to this whole situation and I hope you are continuing to get support. People with high functioning autism, which I am guessing is your diagnosis, tend to fixate and obsess on certain topics; they also often miss or misinterpret social cues, get bullied as children, and have trouble sort of understanding social context and their place within that context. I have a lot of compassion and empathy for you. I think this was probably the wrong forum to for you to seek whatever it was you were seeking, and I wonder how you even ended up here.
The thing is, you aren’t a hero for standing up for a pretty girl years ago when you were 8. But you aren’t an anti-hero either. You’re just a kid, trying to figure things out. One of the things I hope you figure out is that women and girls don’t need “saving” from men and boys. There’s no such thing as a knight in shining armor, and even if there were, I would hope he would help everyone he thinks needs support and not just girls and women he thinks are pretty.
I’m rooting for you and hope you find the appropriate outlet for your energy, your curiosity, and the gifts you are lucky to have!
From Oprah.com:
“How much should I tip my hairstylist during the holidays?
The general rule is to double the 15 to 20 percent you usually give, says colorist Sharon Dorram-Krause of Sharon Dorram Color at Sally Hershberger Uptown salon in New York City. ”
This is almost exactly what I do (I usually tip 25% at each visit, and double that to 50% for my visit around the holidays; I know some people say tip what you usually spend on a full service, but that doesn’t seem appropriate to me. My cuts are around $80 and I think an $80 tip would be excessive for someone I see four times a year.).
I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but not much time to respond (because, kids), so I will say this: when I want to have kid-free time with my friends and it’s really important to me that they come (like, if we’re celebrating my bday or drew’s bday), we keep the group small (no more than like four or five other couples), we make reservations somewhere, and we make it clear on the invite that we’re paying for a significant portion of the evening (since it’s understood that all or most of the guests will be shelling out upwards of $100 per couple for a babysitter). For example, for my birthday a couple years ago, our invitation said, “We’ll cover transportation and dinner, you cover babysitters and after dinner drinks.” Everyone showed up and had a blast. On evenings when we want to have kid-free fun with our friends, but it isn’t as important if people show up or not, I’ll send out a text or email that says something like, “Hey, we need a night out without the kids- do you? If so, get a sitter and come meet us at XYZ at 7 PM for dinner. There’s a place down the block for dancing if we want to do that afterward.” We did this last weekend and three out of the four couples we invited came, and the fourth said their babysitting budget was already blown (and we all understood and there were no hard feelings).
Honestly, it might be time to make some new friends if the friends you have never ever natch the effort you make in keeping the friendship going and accommodating different needs/wants/and restrictions.
