Dear Wendy
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hunter inspired me to do some googling, and guess what is the number one search result when you google “advice forum”?
Now, if only DW could break like the top five pages for “relationship advice”…
Woah, this was a strange read this morning. Listen, Hunter, I believe you’re a 16-year-old boy who believes you did something great in 3rd-grade and can’t understand why people aren’t giving you the credit you think you deserve. I also believe that you were diagnosed with Autism when you were very young and I believe that that diagnosis is absolutely relevant to this whole situation and I hope you are continuing to get support. People with high functioning autism, which I am guessing is your diagnosis, tend to fixate and obsess on certain topics; they also often miss or misinterpret social cues, get bullied as children, and have trouble sort of understanding social context and their place within that context. I have a lot of compassion and empathy for you. I think this was probably the wrong forum to for you to seek whatever it was you were seeking, and I wonder how you even ended up here.
The thing is, you aren’t a hero for standing up for a pretty girl years ago when you were 8. But you aren’t an anti-hero either. You’re just a kid, trying to figure things out. One of the things I hope you figure out is that women and girls don’t need “saving” from men and boys. There’s no such thing as a knight in shining armor, and even if there were, I would hope he would help everyone he thinks needs support and not just girls and women he thinks are pretty.
I’m rooting for you and hope you find the appropriate outlet for your energy, your curiosity, and the gifts you are lucky to have!
From Oprah.com:
“How much should I tip my hairstylist during the holidays?
The general rule is to double the 15 to 20 percent you usually give, says colorist Sharon Dorram-Krause of Sharon Dorram Color at Sally Hershberger Uptown salon in New York City. ”
This is almost exactly what I do (I usually tip 25% at each visit, and double that to 50% for my visit around the holidays; I know some people say tip what you usually spend on a full service, but that doesn’t seem appropriate to me. My cuts are around $80 and I think an $80 tip would be excessive for someone I see four times a year.).
I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but not much time to respond (because, kids), so I will say this: when I want to have kid-free time with my friends and it’s really important to me that they come (like, if we’re celebrating my bday or drew’s bday), we keep the group small (no more than like four or five other couples), we make reservations somewhere, and we make it clear on the invite that we’re paying for a significant portion of the evening (since it’s understood that all or most of the guests will be shelling out upwards of $100 per couple for a babysitter). For example, for my birthday a couple years ago, our invitation said, “We’ll cover transportation and dinner, you cover babysitters and after dinner drinks.” Everyone showed up and had a blast. On evenings when we want to have kid-free fun with our friends, but it isn’t as important if people show up or not, I’ll send out a text or email that says something like, “Hey, we need a night out without the kids- do you? If so, get a sitter and come meet us at XYZ at 7 PM for dinner. There’s a place down the block for dancing if we want to do that afterward.” We did this last weekend and three out of the four couples we invited came, and the fourth said their babysitting budget was already blown (and we all understood and there were no hard feelings).
Honestly, it might be time to make some new friends if the friends you have never ever natch the effort you make in keeping the friendship going and accommodating different needs/wants/and restrictions.
An update from the LW:
“Early may this year I wrote to Wendy for advice. My boy friend of three years cheated and got a girl pregnant. Then acted like a complete douche about it. I was very hurt and confused when I wrote to Wendy. I got a lot of great advice. That I decided to take.He kept wanting to drag me along with unnecessary communication. Never really stating what he wanted. With each conversation saying more hurtful things like oh maybe we will be together in another world or it’s cause you pushed me to do this etc.A few weeks later I was mess and my exams were approaching I was getting depressed. Then I decided to be real with myself. I told him to leave me alone and go and figure out his life cause it was unhealthy for me and just totally pointless to keep contact. Then I cut him off. He replied but I never read i just deleted him. The first weeks were sooo hard. But I was determined not to look back. I focused on my exams and passed thank God. As time went by it got better it hurt but not as much . For the first time last summer I decided not to go to my home country but to stay and experience Russian summer. It was a great experience I traveled a lot. I spent so much time with my best friend who helped me though everything. My relationship with sisters also just become amazing as they were my support systems. Some days were hard but I kept myself busy and happy. Toward the end of summer his friend contacted my best friend which was a big mistake. He let her know that he had been dating the other girl for months it was seriously and he was now engaged. I thanked him for the unnecessary info and let him know I do not need updates on his life or anything he is upto .I can not lie that set me back like a storm. I felt bad and played . But it came with a sense of relief. Relief that I walked away from a manipulator cheater and liar. So I got past that too. I eventually didn’t care and continued my adventure. Then he contacted me saying it’s been long and every other useless line. But I know better than to entertain him again. He kept contacting me from august to September. I think he finally gave up. Well almost five months now from the initial breakup . I have to admit some days still get me . But not as bad . I have defiantly reached a better place. I met a new guy but decided not to enter any relationship as at now. I realised I almost settled for cheap disrespectful behavior cause I was too scared of walking away. I was with him from the day I turned 18. So I had never been alone as an “adult” and that frightened me. But now I got to be alone I remembered what I wanted for myself before I stupidly thought he was my everything. I Focused on a fantasy relationship in my head when that guy never even treated me half as I deserved to be treated. It took being alone for me realize I want more. I want my medical career, to travel the world I don’t want to be sad over some guy ignoring me for days or forgetting my birthday every-time . My self esteem is back in check. My grades are great and am healthier.Plus now I definitely know it will get better and am better off alone than waking up at 30 trapped with some lame guy having volunteered myself to be a step mother at 21 being cheated on every chance he gets. Plus he didn’t want me anyways so his loss. Right now am
Planing a trip with my friends to Greece am so excited and everything is great. One day at a time. So thank you Wendy this is not exactly a full success story as I am still in the process. But I hope to come back with a full recovery story soon enough. Sorry for the lengthy mail I tend to be a chatter box. “
Bumble guy sounds great, Copa!
MissD – Was this the book (I’ve recommended it a few times here and it’s a workbook that I worked on in he weeks before I met Drew)?
Absolutely, if you know you don’t want kids in your life and/or you feel strongly you don’t want someone else’s kids in your life, don’t date a single parent. But if that’s a dealbreaker that isn’t super fixed in stone — if there’s some wiggle room — like you moving for love, MissD (which I, too, wasn’t super keen on doing myself, but did anyway, and it all worked out), I think it’s always worth stepping outside your comfort zone to see what might work that you might have otherwise said no to.
No need to argue with me about why a dad isn’t a good match for you or that you really, really don’t need a man in your life, and why you absolutely don’t need to make any concessions. I get it. Since you would only want a guy in your life who matches all your values and wants perfectly, it’s great that you are so happy and and busy and fulfilled without a guy.
But why bother in the first place, I guess? It seems like a lot of energy and effort to expend on something you don’t have any time for?
All I’m saying is that sometimes avoiding something because it’s a lot of work – or you think it will be a lot of work – could prevent you from obtaining the joy you seek. Not always, but often enough that if you’ve spent literally years and years seeking a certain joy and ruling out various potential paths to it, it may be worth re-evaluating the paths you thus far have ruled too treacherous or whatever to traverse. Maybe those paths aren’t as challenging as you think they are, and maybe the joy you find on the way is worth whatever challenge they bring.
LadyE – with all due respect what you’ve always done hasn’t worked well for you thus far, right? So, maybe the converse is true: maybe what you’ve always avoided could actually… work? Early 40s is not too old for you. I think you’re mid-30s, right? And, yeah, that is easily old enough to not only date someone with teenagers, but to have teenagers yourself. You’re not a kid anymore. You’re not really young anymore (I say this as someone several years older than you); if you want to find a match, you have to make some concessions. You have to reevaluate what you previously considered “deal-breakers.” Men your age or a few years older (which is a good age match for you) or a few years younger are going to have life experiences – many of which will include previous marriages, and children.
I had a friend who was still single at 36 and feeling bad about it. A former high school classmate connected with her on Facebook and they began talking. He had not one, but two ex-wives and a 5-year-old son. He also lived many states away. She could have said any of those were deal-breakers, but she liked him, she remembered him fondly, and she was tired of being single and knew she had to say yes when she may have said no in the past.
They’ve been married six years now and have a preschool kid together (And successfully co-parent the now-teenager with the mom).
Take/give chances. What do you really have to lose?
Like having to drive an hour to go shopping?
