Dear Wendy

Ok, first of all, I am a mother a kid with special needs similar to ADHD, so I come from that perspective and I understand the unique challenges, the disappointments, the stress, and all of that involved in parenting a child who is neurologically different. I have to say that, for me, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and I’ve had my fair share days of feeling sorry for myself, sorry for my child, and worrying that life will always be a struggle for my kid.

THAT SAID, there is so much to be grateful for!! And so much to celebrate. Of course, every situation is different, and my child was diagnosed much, much earlier than yours so we were able to get lots of support in place very early, which makes a big difference. High school is kind of late for an ADHD diagnosis, and I wonder how much struggling was done before that diagnosis and how many obstacles were overcome without support. You should be so so so proud of your son!! He’s really come a very long way while facing challenges he surely faced long before his diagnosis. I hope you can see and appreciate that.

Even if he didn’t have special needs — that have largely been unaddressed most of his life, I’m assuming? — 19 is an age that a lot of kids rebel from their parents, take a “gap” year, or step off a trajectory that may have been projected on them to figure out what it is they really want to do. That’s all your son is doing right now. And you need to give him the space and time to do that – to figure out what it is he wants, without the pressure of living up to your very high expectations and ideals.

I’d also suggest some therapy for yourself if you aren’t already getting some. I understand some of the challenges and worries you’ve likely faced, but your tone and hostility is… well, it’s inexcusable. Your son doesn’t deserve it. Go take care of yourself while your son is learning how to be an adult in the world and figuring out his next steps. It sounds like you both have earned a break. I hope you’ll take advantage of the time and space to practice some self-care so that you’re better able to relate to people in your life from a place of love instead of the hostility and bitterness you’ve exhibited in this thread…

I stand by my earlier post about showing up for people you love and if this is the first time the LW has been asked to babysit overnight in two years, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But I also agree with others who say that it’s an unfair dynamic the mother and the sister set up for there not to be other babysitter options (if that’s the case. It sounds like the sister DID ask her other options and no one else was available?). I have two kids and we don’t have family nearby (drew’s brother and his wife and kids are the nearest and they live in New Jersey, an hour’s drive away), so we’ve worked to create a circle of local support we can count on when we need help. If there was some sort of emergency, we have a handful of babysitters plus about 10 sets of people I’d feel comfortable asking to watch the kids (even overnight) if we were really in a bing. It really does take a village! And the LW is part of her sister’s village and now she’s being called on to show up. I guess I don’t understand her resentment when this is the first time in two years she’s been asked to sacrifice some personal time to help.

Go to dental school! If your husband leaves you over it, then you know he’s the kind of guy who would not support you in a marriage. There will be other people in your culture who are open-minded. And maybe you could practice being open-minded yourself and consider the potential of finding a better match outside your culture.

W o w. Even if the 19-year-old were a serial killer, I can’t imagine any loving parent feeling relieved or like it was really “good riddance” to be cut off from said child’s life. That you have enabled, encouraged, and delighted in this recent estrangement speaks volumes of your character and your emotional maturity and well-being. You are a sad, miserable, sock person, and your boyfriend sounds equally appalling. Stay together and spare anyone else the trauma of being associated with you.

Please listen to us and not the single boys at work: don’t email the guy. It makes you look desperate and stalker-ish, neither of which is sexy. Maybe in some rom-com, the guy would see your email, realize what a catch you are, and how he narrowly missed out on the chance to get to know you because he stopped checking his dating site messages and he insta messages and luckily you are a feisty woman with initiative and now you’ll ride off into the sunset together, but it’s not going to work that way. You’re going to feel more defeated and rejected and eventually foolish that you tried so hard. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the best, especially with dating. You already showed initiative and interest. Let fate and the guy do some work now if it’s meant to be.