Dear Wendy
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
An update from the LW:
“Early may this year I wrote to Wendy for advice. My boy friend of three years cheated and got a girl pregnant. Then acted like a complete douche about it. I was very hurt and confused when I wrote to Wendy. I got a lot of great advice. That I decided to take.He kept wanting to drag me along with unnecessary communication. Never really stating what he wanted. With each conversation saying more hurtful things like oh maybe we will be together in another world or it’s cause you pushed me to do this etc.A few weeks later I was mess and my exams were approaching I was getting depressed. Then I decided to be real with myself. I told him to leave me alone and go and figure out his life cause it was unhealthy for me and just totally pointless to keep contact. Then I cut him off. He replied but I never read i just deleted him. The first weeks were sooo hard. But I was determined not to look back. I focused on my exams and passed thank God. As time went by it got better it hurt but not as much . For the first time last summer I decided not to go to my home country but to stay and experience Russian summer. It was a great experience I traveled a lot. I spent so much time with my best friend who helped me though everything. My relationship with sisters also just become amazing as they were my support systems. Some days were hard but I kept myself busy and happy. Toward the end of summer his friend contacted my best friend which was a big mistake. He let her know that he had been dating the other girl for months it was seriously and he was now engaged. I thanked him for the unnecessary info and let him know I do not need updates on his life or anything he is upto .I can not lie that set me back like a storm. I felt bad and played . But it came with a sense of relief. Relief that I walked away from a manipulator cheater and liar. So I got past that too. I eventually didn’t care and continued my adventure. Then he contacted me saying it’s been long and every other useless line. But I know better than to entertain him again. He kept contacting me from august to September. I think he finally gave up. Well almost five months now from the initial breakup . I have to admit some days still get me . But not as bad . I have defiantly reached a better place. I met a new guy but decided not to enter any relationship as at now. I realised I almost settled for cheap disrespectful behavior cause I was too scared of walking away. I was with him from the day I turned 18. So I had never been alone as an “adult” and that frightened me. But now I got to be alone I remembered what I wanted for myself before I stupidly thought he was my everything. I Focused on a fantasy relationship in my head when that guy never even treated me half as I deserved to be treated. It took being alone for me realize I want more. I want my medical career, to travel the world I don’t want to be sad over some guy ignoring me for days or forgetting my birthday every-time . My self esteem is back in check. My grades are great and am healthier.Plus now I definitely know it will get better and am better off alone than waking up at 30 trapped with some lame guy having volunteered myself to be a step mother at 21 being cheated on every chance he gets. Plus he didn’t want me anyways so his loss. Right now am
Planing a trip with my friends to Greece am so excited and everything is great. One day at a time. So thank you Wendy this is not exactly a full success story as I am still in the process. But I hope to come back with a full recovery story soon enough. Sorry for the lengthy mail I tend to be a chatter box. “
Bumble guy sounds great, Copa!
MissD – Was this the book (I’ve recommended it a few times here and it’s a workbook that I worked on in he weeks before I met Drew)?
Absolutely, if you know you don’t want kids in your life and/or you feel strongly you don’t want someone else’s kids in your life, don’t date a single parent. But if that’s a dealbreaker that isn’t super fixed in stone — if there’s some wiggle room — like you moving for love, MissD (which I, too, wasn’t super keen on doing myself, but did anyway, and it all worked out), I think it’s always worth stepping outside your comfort zone to see what might work that you might have otherwise said no to.
No need to argue with me about why a dad isn’t a good match for you or that you really, really don’t need a man in your life, and why you absolutely don’t need to make any concessions. I get it. Since you would only want a guy in your life who matches all your values and wants perfectly, it’s great that you are so happy and and busy and fulfilled without a guy.
But why bother in the first place, I guess? It seems like a lot of energy and effort to expend on something you don’t have any time for?
All I’m saying is that sometimes avoiding something because it’s a lot of work – or you think it will be a lot of work – could prevent you from obtaining the joy you seek. Not always, but often enough that if you’ve spent literally years and years seeking a certain joy and ruling out various potential paths to it, it may be worth re-evaluating the paths you thus far have ruled too treacherous or whatever to traverse. Maybe those paths aren’t as challenging as you think they are, and maybe the joy you find on the way is worth whatever challenge they bring.
LadyE – with all due respect what you’ve always done hasn’t worked well for you thus far, right? So, maybe the converse is true: maybe what you’ve always avoided could actually… work? Early 40s is not too old for you. I think you’re mid-30s, right? And, yeah, that is easily old enough to not only date someone with teenagers, but to have teenagers yourself. You’re not a kid anymore. You’re not really young anymore (I say this as someone several years older than you); if you want to find a match, you have to make some concessions. You have to reevaluate what you previously considered “deal-breakers.” Men your age or a few years older (which is a good age match for you) or a few years younger are going to have life experiences – many of which will include previous marriages, and children.
I had a friend who was still single at 36 and feeling bad about it. A former high school classmate connected with her on Facebook and they began talking. He had not one, but two ex-wives and a 5-year-old son. He also lived many states away. She could have said any of those were deal-breakers, but she liked him, she remembered him fondly, and she was tired of being single and knew she had to say yes when she may have said no in the past.
They’ve been married six years now and have a preschool kid together (And successfully co-parent the now-teenager with the mom).
Take/give chances. What do you really have to lose?
Like having to drive an hour to go shopping?
all while struggling with untreated ADHD. It’s truly amazing!!
Sue, I keep thinking about how much you pushed and you say you sacrificed for your son’s education. What did you do to support his special needs, beyond working for a year to get him medication? Anything? As a child, did you son have any counseling, social skills classes, or anything else that might have helped him deal with his symptoms? I am guessing no since he wasn’t diagnosed until high school, and I don’t bring this up to blame you but to again point out how much he managed to accomplish while facing challenges well beyond what his peers, who you keep comparing him to, had to face. Have you told him how incredibly proud you are of him? ARE you incredibly proud? You really should be. Your son sounds like a real fighter — someone who, I addition to having challenges he learned how to cope with without much support (it sounds like?), also has gifts that maybe haven’t been fully realized or utilized yet. That’s the thing with these neurological diagnoses like ADHD — they often include extraordinary gifts, which are probably what helped your son do so well academically. But it sounds like the social and emotional deficits/ challenges have been largely unaddressed and he’s struggling now. I think you might be missing that because you are so focused on how his perceived “failures” are a representation of you or your parenting. Your son really deserves a lot of validation for how far he’s come and how well he’s done in the face of adversity. It’s really such a shame that he’s getting the opposite of that…
Ok, first of all, I am a mother a kid with special needs similar to ADHD, so I come from that perspective and I understand the unique challenges, the disappointments, the stress, and all of that involved in parenting a child who is neurologically different. I have to say that, for me, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and I’ve had my fair share days of feeling sorry for myself, sorry for my child, and worrying that life will always be a struggle for my kid.
THAT SAID, there is so much to be grateful for!! And so much to celebrate. Of course, every situation is different, and my child was diagnosed much, much earlier than yours so we were able to get lots of support in place very early, which makes a big difference. High school is kind of late for an ADHD diagnosis, and I wonder how much struggling was done before that diagnosis and how many obstacles were overcome without support. You should be so so so proud of your son!! He’s really come a very long way while facing challenges he surely faced long before his diagnosis. I hope you can see and appreciate that.
Even if he didn’t have special needs — that have largely been unaddressed most of his life, I’m assuming? — 19 is an age that a lot of kids rebel from their parents, take a “gap” year, or step off a trajectory that may have been projected on them to figure out what it is they really want to do. That’s all your son is doing right now. And you need to give him the space and time to do that – to figure out what it is he wants, without the pressure of living up to your very high expectations and ideals.
I’d also suggest some therapy for yourself if you aren’t already getting some. I understand some of the challenges and worries you’ve likely faced, but your tone and hostility is… well, it’s inexcusable. Your son doesn’t deserve it. Go take care of yourself while your son is learning how to be an adult in the world and figuring out his next steps. It sounds like you both have earned a break. I hope you’ll take advantage of the time and space to practice some self-care so that you’re better able to relate to people in your life from a place of love instead of the hostility and bitterness you’ve exhibited in this thread…
Congrats, MissD — I’m so happy and excited for you!!
I stand by my earlier post about showing up for people you love and if this is the first time the LW has been asked to babysit overnight in two years, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But I also agree with others who say that it’s an unfair dynamic the mother and the sister set up for there not to be other babysitter options (if that’s the case. It sounds like the sister DID ask her other options and no one else was available?). I have two kids and we don’t have family nearby (drew’s brother and his wife and kids are the nearest and they live in New Jersey, an hour’s drive away), so we’ve worked to create a circle of local support we can count on when we need help. If there was some sort of emergency, we have a handful of babysitters plus about 10 sets of people I’d feel comfortable asking to watch the kids (even overnight) if we were really in a bing. It really does take a village! And the LW is part of her sister’s village and now she’s being called on to show up. I guess I don’t understand her resentment when this is the first time in two years she’s been asked to sacrifice some personal time to help.
When you fail to show up for people you love when they need you most — especially when they ask you so rarely to show up — you better hope they have more compassion (or a short memory) when you will inevitably want or need them to show up for you.
Yeah, it sucks to lose a night you were looking forward to chilling out, especially when you really need to chill out, but you have the next night and the next weekend or the weekend after that. It’s one night. If your sister starts taking advantage of you and you think she’s asking you to show up more than is appropriate, speak up and let her know your boundaries.
