Dear Wendy
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Had to google Ansel Elgort because I’m old.
And to answer Skyblossom about how I’d feel about my daughter coming to me and telling me a guy grabbed her and kissed her and she didn’t want it, I’d ask the about the context. There are so many scenarios in which I would be pretty enraged about this — a professor or boss or anyone with any kind of authority over her — kissing her. A date whom she told to stop. Some stranger on the street as she was walking home from the subway. But a guy in a club whom she’d been dancing with and whom she didn’t tell to stop, whom she didn’t pull away from when he grabbed her hand, whom she continued to kiss because she was inexperienced and didn’t know what else to do? I’d be like, “Ok, we need to talk then. I have failed you as a parent.” I would not immediately cry “sexual assault.”
And another big difference is that no child of mine would EVER speak to me about a person of another race like this LW does. They would know they’d get their asses handed to them on a platter if I ever, ever heard racist language from them. If my daughter came home and shared the exact same scenario that this LW does, I would be far more concerned about the racism than the kiss. And, again, I would be really, really ashamed by the naiveté and would blame myself as a parent for failing my child in teaching basic social rules.
@Skyblossom Who said my son is going to be kissing girls? Maybe he’ll be kissing boys. Or, does your definition of sexual assault only apply to girls who don’t explicitly say yes?
Oh gosh, I thought raising a girl in this society would be harder than raising a boy, but if I have to worry about any person my son may kiss without asking first crying assault on him, we’re doomed. Look, the law varies state to state, but generally speaking, sexual assault is: “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.” (This is from the US department of justice).
Another broad definition: “Sexual assault is a sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or non-consensual sexual touching of a person. Sexual assault is a form of sexual violence, and it includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the person in a sexual manner” (Wikipedia).
I think under these broadly accepted definitions — both socially and legally — someone would be VERY hard-pressed to successfully argue that someone who, in her words, willingly kissed a man was sexually assaulted. This may very well have been an unfortunate and regrettable moment, but sexual assault it was not.
Your parents’ and your racism is the true ugliness here. It’s really gross and not a good look. Your naiveté is pretty alarming, too. When someone you aren’t interested in in kissing tries to kiss you, don’t kiss back, no matter how flattered you might be by the attention. Simply turn your head, and, depending on the exact situation, tell him “no” firmly, that you aren’t ready for that yet, or that he has the wrong idea. In this particular situation, you should have pulled away when he leaned in to kiss you, walked away and stayed near your friends. If he tried to make a move on you again, you could have left. You also should not be drinking in public — you’re a minor, it’s illegal, and you have poor decision-making skills to begin with so it’s not wise to create more challenges by drinking around people you don’t know or trust.
I forgot: we also go out for chinese food at some point during the holidays — christmas eve or christmas.
You know, I’ve found that if you aren’t following long-held tradition, the best ones sort of begin organically, out of a sense of trying something and deciding it worked really well and doing it again the following year. Of course, you can also get ideas from other people about things you might like to try, but I would avoid embracing them as a potential new tradition and making it your own until you try it out and see how it works for you and what spin you can give it to best fit your family’s needs and interests.
Here are a few holiday traditions my family has tried and incorporated over the years:
We save change all year long and then at the beginning of december, we cash it in and use the money to buy a christmas tree and a brisket for 1st night of hanukah.
On the evening of the day that we decorate the tree — usually 2 weeks before christmas — drew and I put the kids to bed and then order caribbean food for dinner and drink baileys martinis. They don’t really go together, but that’s what makes it fun.
We light the menorah every night of hanukkah and give the kids a few gifts throughout the 8 nights (not every night).
We have a hanukah dinner of brisket, latkes, and jelly donuts. If the dates line up, sometimes this dinner is on Christmas eve. If it’s not, then we have a roast chicken or lasagna on christmas eve.
The kids get christmas PJs on christmas eve so they’re all PJ’d up for opening gifts Christmas morning. We do the whole leaving out cookies and carrots (and a shot of baileys for santa and his reindeer) on christmas eve.
On Christmas morning, we have pastries early while we open gifts, and then later in the morning i make what my mom always made on christmas morning when I was growing up — biscuits and gravy and fried eggs. If we’re lucky, some friends invite us over for Christmas dinner, and after wards we take a nice stroll through the neighborhood with full bellies and hearts.
What do the rest of you do?
I don’t think you guys understand. Some people have relationships, but this LW is special and she has a fairytale.
That part was my commentary.
Her fairytale love is so special and unique, her boyfriend couldn’t wait to introduce her to the important people in his life. Oh, wait. He hasn’t introduced her to a single person. Not one.
Guys, she just told me that she’s going to take all her money and go find “real qualified relationship coaches now who actually adds value,” since she needs help convincing her fairytale boyfriend to move a little closer than a 21-hour flight away. Good luck with that!
I sent her a link to this thread and she wrote:
Pfftt. Oh so you’re an internet bully too. Love it.
For someone so published to get this few replies , stop embarrassing yourself. You’re such a joke its entertaining.
Keep that post up. Im sure these little sour comments from your fans provides you with much needed ego boost and self confidence.
Have fun with this. You can post as much as you want, comment as much as you like. I still have more financial and mental wealth than you.
Enjoy, little girl.
Xoxo LWShe’s charming! I can’t imagine why her boyfriend hasn’t introduced her to a single friend or family member yet and isn’t jumping on a plane to go live with her and close the 21-hour (by flight!) distance between them.
