Dear Wendy
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Because you’re being manipulated. And gaslighted. And not just by your husband, but by his mother, too. This is not good. This is really serious. This is divorce-level fucked-upness.
Woah, your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I’m very concerned for you. To get mad at your for not breaking the no-sex for the first six weeks after labor rule? Absolutely disgusting. Abusive. Everything you say about him is really alarming. All of it. I know you said he’s a good father, but he’s not. He’s not a good father, and he is most certainly not a good partner. A good father wouldn’t have planned a first birthday party that his child’s mother didn’t even know about. What else is he going to plan without your knowledge? This is really serious!
If a friend of mine were telling me the things you’ve shared here, I would be doing everything I could to get her out of that home and in a safe place. This is not some minor issue where you’re feeling frustrated that your husband is oblivious to the invisible work you do. This is much, much worse than that. He is manipulating you, lying to you, and making unilateral decisions about your child, that greatly affect his well-being now and in the future.
Please, please get professional help. Get thee to a therapist. And it wouldn’t hurt to speak to a family attorney to learn about your rights as a mother, and how to get your ducks in a row should you decide to pursue a divorce.
Yes on the baby boomers having so much stuff. I get really stressed out thinking about the work I’ll have on my hands one day if my parents don’t downsize while they’re still somewhat able-bodied and of sound mind. Ugh.
Cute, Dre! You look gorgeous and happy (and he’s not so bad either)!
Drew and I saw each other an average of maybe every three weeks — usually just for 2-3 nights each visit — over the course of 16 months or so. The longest stretch of time we ever spent together before I moved was one week. Sometimes you gotta just take a leap of faith. I think regular visits (and I count every-other month as regular) over more than a year is pretty substantial. Substantial enough to know for sure that you’re a perfect match and that your relationship will work out forever? No. But even seeing each other every day for three years wouldnt answer that.
I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. I *thought* I did, but I wasn’t like a lot of people where it felt like I was called to be a mom and I would do whatever it took to make that happen. I got pregnant easily, so I’ll never know if I would have become someone who pursued fertility treatments and/or adoption to become a mom. I know that I was perfectly happy without kids, had a fulfilling life, and felt — and talked about — being happy even if I didn’t have kids. I still feel that way, but of course, it’s hard to say what one would have felt on a different path.
I’m glad I had kids, but I don’t think it’s for everyone, and I never question why someone wouldn’t want to have kids. In fact, I often question why people DO want to have kids!
I hope you get some clarity, and that whatever you decide, you feel peace at what happens.
To lend some insight about why a guy would fade out when he’d been so demonstrative/expressive about his positive feelings, (i.e. saying stuff like “I really like you” and “We’re so great together”): I think a lot of times, in situations like that, the guy is trying to talk himself into the relationship. Like, he recognizes that you’re a great catch and he DOES like you, and he WANTS to feel that spark, so he keeps saying outloud — to you, but really for his own benefit — that you’re awesome, you’re amazing. What you aren’t hearing is the unsaid second half of that comment: “So… why am I feeling hesitant?”
I know that doesn’t make the ghosting suck any less, and of course, it makes things confusing, because how do you know when to trust when someone is making those comments, right? In my experience — and I know this isn’t the case for everyone — when someone is making those kinds of comments early on (like within the few dates), things usually fizzle pretty fast. It’s the guys who have waited until we’ve had some time to get to know each other (like, at least a few weeks) who are most genuine with the “you’re so great” comments.
Spacey, when are you due again?
When I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I wasn’t feeling at all well and Drew declined to even go uptown to Yom Kippur services with his dad. Good thing, as a few hours later, we had a baby. My labor, from first contraction to holding the baby in my arms, was three hours long. We *barely* made it to the hospital in time. Yes, babies come early and they can come fast! Why risk missing this event — or making your wife so stressed out about you missing it that her blood pressure goes up and labor is induced? Of course, no one wants to miss a loved one’s wedding, but your pregnant wife’s well-being and the off-chance that she might actually go into labor should be more important.
I wouldn’t read too much into minimal texting early on, especially if the guy is actually setting up dates, making an effort to come meet you, etc. Everyone is different, but I, personally, would probably be a little weirded out if someone I’d only gone out with once or twice was texting me constantly (as opposed to simply using texts to plan and organize our next date). After, say, 3 dates though, I’d probably expect more regular texting, and might wonder about someone’s interest level if I weren’t getting it (I would not consider lack of texting a deal-breaker. I’d have to consider it on context — the person’s schedule, whether he’s expressed a displeasure with texting, how much interest he was showing in other ways).
On the topic of dating someone who will be moving soon: I did that once before, a couple years before I met Drew. The guy was in his last year of medical school and was upfront about not knowing where he would be matched for his residency. He also had several month-long rotations in other cities that would limit his availability. I decided to date him anyway and in retrospect, I’m glad I did. I mean, the relationship and the boyfriend, specifically were pretty awful, but I learned a lot, and when it ended, I didn’t have to wonder “what if?” Dating him and discovering that he was a terrible match for me meant that he didn’t become this sort of “guy who got away” fantasy in my head that I would compare all future men to.
So, I say, if you’ve got someone you like who has told you he’s moving in a couple of months and that hasn’t completely deterred you from seeing him: go for it. The worst that will happen is you’ll get your heart broken, which you will recover from. The best thing that will happen is somehow you make it work and you find long-lasting love. Most likely, the experience will probably be somewhere in between: kind of angsty, a little fun, a little heartbreaky, but ultimately another learning experience from which you’ll get closer to figuring out what you’re looking for.
Sorry for your loss, Kare. It’s so hard losing a beloved pet!
I don’t think having an age preference in dating necessarily makes anyone shallow (I do think, however, that is’s certainly narrowing the dating pool A LOT when you’re, say, 32 and only want to date men between 28-33, for example, but whatever); my point about the shallowness comes from the comments around how men age and how they don’t take care of themselves as well as women and by their late 30s it shows. actually, I don’t even thinks that’s so much shallow as it is, simply, sexist. And if the tables were reversed and this was a thread of mostly men talking about how harshly women age because they don’t take care of themselves so well, most of us would probably think that would sound pretty sexist.
In recap: talking about how one sex, in general, doesn’t take care of themselves as well as the other sex and they don’t age as well as a result = sexist.
Only wanting to date people of a certain age = personal preference (and, yeah, sometimes that preference might seem more shallow than another preference).
