Dear Wendy

Have fun, MissDre!

For what it’s worth, what I would advise someone who isn’t ready to get married but wants to take the temperature of her partner to see if marriage is something he wants in the future, and when he thinks he sees it happening, I would not share a specific timeline. I would say something like, “I see myself being married in the next three years or so, what about you?” And “I’m enjoying how our relationship is developing and I can see moving across the world to be with you, but if and when that happens, I’m going to need a serious commitment first.” For someone who is not ready for marriage yet, I think these kinds of statements are enough and that specific timelines — particularly if you truly aren’t ready to get married — are overkill. If you aren’t ready to get married right now, how can you say you’re going to be ready in 9-12 months or that that’s your goal? You really shouldn’t be thinking of a date, even a vague one, if you aren’t actually ready yet.

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, LadyE. Take it easy on yourself, let yourself be upset for a couple days and then brush this off and move on. I know it’s easier said than done because I’ve been there. But let’s keep it in perspective: this was, what, a 6-week relationship? Two months? You didn’t really know each other very well yet. You were excited about the future, but it was a fantasy so far. I know it’s easy to get caught up in a fantasy, to get excited about someone with whom we have good chemistry and reciprocal interest and attraction. But you need to remember while you are grieving the end of this, that what you are mostly mourning is the *idea* of something, just as what you were most excited about (I think) was the *idea* of something — of having a boyfriend, someone to make plans with, someone to spend time with, someone to love and be loved back by. So… this guy won’t be that guy, and that sucks. But that just means there’s a better match for you.

Why take your husband-to-be’s last name at all? Why not just switch your name back to your maiden name and call it a day? You already said you don’t like your husband’s last name and don’t like the way it sounds with your first name, so why are you even thinking about taking it? To appease your husband? I’m sorry, but fuck that shit. It’s fucking 2017 — if he wants you to have the same last name, he can take your name. Why does it always have to be the women who changes names? You saw how well that worked the first time you did it, so why on earth would you want to do it again?

I’d really consider this a serious red flag, to be honest. Your dude sounds like a dick. If he’s unsupportive about what name you choose for yourself, what else is he going to be upsupportive and misogynistic about?

Honestly, I think him trying to guilt you into having postpartum sex with him before a doctor’s ok is divorce level fucked-upness. Everything else you’re talking about is a nail in the coffin.

Woah, your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I’m very concerned for you. To get mad at your for not breaking the no-sex for the first six weeks after labor rule? Absolutely disgusting. Abusive. Everything you say about him is really alarming. All of it. I know you said he’s a good father, but he’s not. He’s not a good father, and he is most certainly not a good partner. A good father wouldn’t have planned a first birthday party that his child’s mother didn’t even know about. What else is he going to plan without your knowledge? This is really serious!

If a friend of mine were telling me the things you’ve shared here, I would be doing everything I could to get her out of that home and in a safe place. This is not some minor issue where you’re feeling frustrated that your husband is oblivious to the invisible work you do. This is much, much worse than that. He is manipulating you, lying to you, and making unilateral decisions about your child, that greatly affect his well-being now and in the future.

Please, please get professional help. Get thee to a therapist. And it wouldn’t hurt to speak to a family attorney to learn about your rights as a mother, and how to get your ducks in a row should you decide to pursue a divorce.

Cute, Dre! You look gorgeous and happy (and he’s not so bad either)!