Dear Wendy
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Going along with the whole looks theme, Kmen, I wonder if you are only dating guys who would be considered conventionally attractive? If so, I’d encourage to consider the guys who fall outside the norms of conventional attractiveness (but whom you can still be attracted to). I’ve found that kind, smart, funny men who are often overlooked by pretty women because they aren’t as good-looking in the conventional sense tend to make the best boyfriends/husbands because they: 1) appreciate whatever attention they get; 2) have worked on other qualities, like trustworthiness, to attract and keep potential partners since they know they can’t rely on the handsomeness other men skate by on.
What if, instead of swiping past the 5s and 6s, you opened yourself to the possibility of hitting it off with them and letting the attraction grow organically? (And I’m using “you” in the general sense and to whomever this speaks to). Some of the happiest-in-love women I know, are 7s, 8s, and 9s who partnered up with men who might be considered 6s in the physical attractiveness sense but are 9s and 10s in personality and all the other stuff that matters a lot more in the big scheme of things. Just something to think about…
Neither of you did anything wrong. These guys are just dicks. What a crummy way to start the week.
Copa, if I had to guess for your situation, I’d say there’s another woman in the picture. There’s either an ex who has resurfaced or he met someone else or he was seeing someone else whom he decided he liked me.
I’m sorry!
Yeah, I’d say he’s ghosted you, Dre; I’m sorry. That really sucks!
If I had to guess what happened based on what you’ve shared, I’d say that he was looking for some distraction from whatever his real life entails (maybe that’s another woman, maybe it’s just a stressful job — who knows), and some kinky sex with a beautiful woman. He liked the chase, especially with someone who said she was more vanilla/ not very experienced in kink. He realized part of winning you over meant telling you he was exclusive with you/ making you think he was your boyfriend so that you’d feel safe with him and trust him. Once he got what he was after, or realized he wasn’t going to get what he was after, or he just got bored, or his real life got complicated enough that he couldn’t keep up the charade with you anymore he bailed.
What if the LW wrote: “I met a guy who pursued me more attentively than I’ve ever been pursued, and after only two months he was ready to be exclusive. We talk every single day — sometimes multiple times a day, but he never mentioned he might be up for a job on the other side of the country until he was literally on a plane on his way to the interview and then he didn’t contact me until he got home several days later, not even to send a quick text or email that he arrived safely.”
I mean, really, it takes like 15 seconds to send a quick msg. like that.
Yes, it’s weird bc it’s out of character and a disruption of their usual communication pattern.
The two months of dating thing has to be seen in context. I mean, I’ve dated plenty of guys for two months, but I’ve never declared exclusivity that early, especially with someone long distance. So, that seems unusual for me and what I’m used to. However, when Drew and I started dating — and we were long distance — we talked every single day and I knew he was definitely interested in me, even though we didn’t talk exclusivity for months. I would have thought it VERY strange if he suddenly announced two months in that he had a job offer halfway around the world and then he took off for a meeting and didn’t contact me for days. Like, in all the talking we did every single day, you never mentioned this job? And then you didn’t bother to check in with me — even a text — to say, “I’m here. Sorry to drop that on you. We’ll talk when I get back” ?
But there are other guys from my past I may have even dating for two months and I wouldn’t have thought much if they took off for a few days or accepted a job far away without telling me because we were super casual, not exclusive, and not talking every single day.
Context!
@MissDre Have you been to his home? Met anyone in his life? Do you think it’s possible he is hiding a marriage/ secret life from you? Does that ring plausible given what you do or don’t know and have seen and haven’t seen of his life?
We don’t want to put an irrational fear in your head, but if it isn’t totally irrational, I think it’s wise to at least investigate a little if you can (social media, google, etc.).
If you don’t hear from him until he gets back, when you do finally hear from him, I’d say: “Hey, I’m really confused and disappointed and hurt. You came on so hot and heavy from the beginning, giving me every indication that you not only wanted a committed relationship, but you wanted one with me. You even asked me to be exclusive. In my mind, that level of closeness warrants at least a conversation that you may be up for a job on the other side of the world. Maybe you didn’t know you were up for the job until you were offered to you, but if you did, I wish you would have shared that with me as it maybe would have changed how I moved forward with you. And as soon as you did know about this job, I would have appreciated an actual phone call. But you didn’t call when you found out about it or even in the days you were away. That sends a clear message to me that conflicts with the message you’d been giving me up to now, and so I don’t know what to think or feel, except confusion and disappointment and hurt.”
LadyE, I think three dates is plenty of time for someone to know whether he wouldn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship. You say he barely knew you, but then, that means you barely knew him, too, right? So, it seems both of you were about to come to some kind of conclusion about your feelings without really knowing each other well. You decided you really, really liked him. He, for whatever reason didn’t feel a romantic spark. It isn’t about timing. Trust me. If a guy is super into a woman, it doesn’t matter if he was divorced last week (I mean, it does in terms of having a successful relationship; you want someone who has processed his divorce. But a recent divorce doesn’t mean jack in terms of pursuing someone. If a guy is interested he’s going to go for it.) I think he probably just didn’t feel chemistry or attraction. It happens. But you need to accept it and let it go. And maybe instead of putting so much weight on common interests (including a shared faith maybe?), spend the first couple of months that you’re dating someone new just getting to know each other and building a friendship. I think common interests are FAR less important that mutual attraction and chemistry.
I’m not sure if you mentioned this — I didn’t pay close attention. But did you guys get physical at all over the course of your three dates?
I know it’s hard — we’ve all been there, we all know this sucks. BUT! This is an opportunity for you to empower yourself and say, “You know what, no. I deserve better. I deserve someone whom I not only feel a connection with, but who doesn’t act like a drunk douche within weeks of us meeting and who doesn’t claim to be “bad at relationships,” and doesn’t blame me for things moving too quickly or him getting scared. I deserve someone is isn’t scared by the idea of being with me!”
Don’t wait for him to miss you. Don’t let him get the power here. Tell him you thought about what he said and you’re choosing to believe he’s bad at relationships and that’s not what you’re looking for, even though he has other qualities that you are looking for. Wish him well and be on your way. I promise, as much as it sucks and it hurts, the empowerment will be the longer-lasting of the emotions you feel from this. And it will carry over into future relationships. It’s basically like sending a message to the universe that you aren’t fucking around and to do better next time.
Ew, no, Lucia – why have you let this guy hold on to any power over you? He’s been a jerk – flaky, wishy-washy, making up all kinds in excuses, putting blame on you, etc. Why would you have any interest in even hoping for a relationship with him at this point? For the record, when someone tells you he’s bad at relationships, believe him!! That’s not bullshit; that is someone giving you fair warning. I say MOA and be glad it was just a one-month investment and maybe you learned something and gained some wisdom (like if a guy is talking in the first month about being a stay at home dad to your kids one day, that’s a red flag and not something you should be in a rush to lock down).
