Dear Wendy
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Kmen, what about men in their mid to late 30s? If you’re 32, I’d think a man who’s 36 or 37 or even 38 could potentially be a wonderful match for you. Probably more so than the average 28-year-old (of course, there are exceptions though!).
I hear what you’re saying LadyE. Nothing wrong with a young 30-something woman not wanting to date men in their 50s and 60s. If there was a comment along those lines, I may have missed it. I did see a comment a couple pages back that said that on average, men don’t spend the “money, time, and consideration on moisturizing and skincare” that most women do and that by their late 30s, that’s starting to show. So… yeah, to me, that read as judging men’s looks — men who are in their late 30s. If a group of men said something similar about women, I can imagine how most of us would (rightfully) be really turned off, if not outraged. I mean I *have* heard men talk that way about women — how by the time women hit their late 30s their metabolism slows down, and it really shows. Same thing. Both equally offensive, if you ask me.
Ok, well, the comments that I read focused on age — like, literal ages — and not on how some guys don’t look like they take basic care of themselves. And, honestly, if we were a group of men talking about women in their late 30s/ early 40s and how it’s a good thing when they don’t actually look her age, lol, it would sound sexist as fuck. If I heard men discussing women the way I’ve heard some commenters here discuss men, it would really upset me and I’d speak up.
Yeah, when I was 32, everyone always told me I looked 25. Hell, I still get carded sometimes and I’m fucking 40 years old. And I think, most of the time, I look it. No one is surprised anymore when I tell them my age. Having babies, losing a shit ton of sleep, worrying about your kids, worrying about your aging parents and in-laws, dealing with health issues — all this stuff that often starts happening in your mid-30s — seriously takes a toll on your looks. Men and women. I look at pictures of myself from five years ago and think I’ve aged 10. Drew, too. But, the experiences we’ve had over these last few years have made us stronger, more compassionate people.
Aging really isn’t that awful. If I were in my 30s and single, I’d take a kind, compassionate, has-hit-shit-together man in his mid-40s who looked it over some dorky 33-year-old still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up ANY damn day.
Ok, sorry I have to jump in on the whole age thing. As a 40-year-old woman, married to a 46-year-old guy, I’m actually kind of offended by these “thank god he doesn’t middle-aged… EW” remarks, as if looking 40 is the worst thing.
Let me set you all straight: My husband is fucking AWESOME and the whole lot of you would be damn lucky to have a guy as sweet, attentive, emotionally and physically available, funny, who is a true feminist, paying attention to you. Sure, maybe 46 is too old for some of you in terms of life stages. But that’s not what you’re talking about. You’re talking about looks, and how, thank god, some of these old men who are showing interest in you don’t actually look their ages. You’re talking about looks, and I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: looks really don’t mean that much. Some of you have been single and looking for ages. You complain about all these head cases you’ve gone out with (or just texted with before realizing they were head cases). You want stable, awesome guys who might actually be interested in monogamy and commitment (or at least commitment)? Get over the need to have the hottest hunk around. You’d be surprised, when you give yourself permission to be seen with someone who doesn’t turn everyone’s heads, how amazingly happy you can be…
Speaking of rockford peach costumes, how adorable is this??
https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LLSdU6ruGJk/WA94C0okh3I/AAAAAAAAGqw/KnOk4jRPNBAdK6_-y3atC_b20LT1EY5gwCLcB/s1600/DSC_0322.JPG
Adrian Brody is hot but supposedly an enormous douchebag. Tine Fey is rumored to have said that he was the biggest asshole ever to host SNL during her tenure. Just an interesting tidbit.
Listen, I know your type. That guy — the smarmy guy with the big nose — was my type, too. Still is. If I see that guy on the subway, I always do a double-take. And it’s not even about looks, exactly. There’s just something magnetic about the guy who we think deep down is going to treat us like shit. It took me a while to get over that guy and move on to gentlemen.
Anyway, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Or, actually, maybe what you *aren’t* looking for… Best thing I ever did was go on a blind date with a guy a friend set me up with whom I probably would not have picked out for myself. He wasn’t my physical type, but it turns out my friend knew much better than I did what I should have been looking for all along.
Going along with the whole looks theme, Kmen, I wonder if you are only dating guys who would be considered conventionally attractive? If so, I’d encourage to consider the guys who fall outside the norms of conventional attractiveness (but whom you can still be attracted to). I’ve found that kind, smart, funny men who are often overlooked by pretty women because they aren’t as good-looking in the conventional sense tend to make the best boyfriends/husbands because they: 1) appreciate whatever attention they get; 2) have worked on other qualities, like trustworthiness, to attract and keep potential partners since they know they can’t rely on the handsomeness other men skate by on.
What if, instead of swiping past the 5s and 6s, you opened yourself to the possibility of hitting it off with them and letting the attraction grow organically? (And I’m using “you” in the general sense and to whomever this speaks to). Some of the happiest-in-love women I know, are 7s, 8s, and 9s who partnered up with men who might be considered 6s in the physical attractiveness sense but are 9s and 10s in personality and all the other stuff that matters a lot more in the big scheme of things. Just something to think about…
Neither of you did anything wrong. These guys are just dicks. What a crummy way to start the week.
Copa, if I had to guess for your situation, I’d say there’s another woman in the picture. There’s either an ex who has resurfaced or he met someone else or he was seeing someone else whom he decided he liked me.
I’m sorry!
Yeah, I’d say he’s ghosted you, Dre; I’m sorry. That really sucks!
If I had to guess what happened based on what you’ve shared, I’d say that he was looking for some distraction from whatever his real life entails (maybe that’s another woman, maybe it’s just a stressful job — who knows), and some kinky sex with a beautiful woman. He liked the chase, especially with someone who said she was more vanilla/ not very experienced in kink. He realized part of winning you over meant telling you he was exclusive with you/ making you think he was your boyfriend so that you’d feel safe with him and trust him. Once he got what he was after, or realized he wasn’t going to get what he was after, or he just got bored, or his real life got complicated enough that he couldn’t keep up the charade with you anymore he bailed.
What if the LW wrote: “I met a guy who pursued me more attentively than I’ve ever been pursued, and after only two months he was ready to be exclusive. We talk every single day — sometimes multiple times a day, but he never mentioned he might be up for a job on the other side of the country until he was literally on a plane on his way to the interview and then he didn’t contact me until he got home several days later, not even to send a quick text or email that he arrived safely.”
I mean, really, it takes like 15 seconds to send a quick msg. like that.
