Dear Wendy
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Lucia, I’ve seen this kind of thing happen lots of times before. My prediction is there is another woman — either the one he was sort of dating before he met you, another woman from his past who has resurfaced, or someone new he’s just met — and he’s not ready to commit to you and not explore things with this other woman (or other women, in general). He’s probably sensing that you’re ready to move things forward and he’s not there yet but he likes you and so he’s worried about losing you by not being ready to be exclusive yet. That’s my take.
I think you should be prepared for the conversation to maybe go in that direction and think about how you want to proceed. Are you ok with seeing other people? Are you ok with not being exclusive for a while (or ever?). If you aren’t — if you want to be exclusive and he doesn’t, then you have to accept that this isn’t a match. My guess he’s probably just as worried about that possibility as you are. But you both need to be honest about what you want and what you’re ready for.
Girl, I hear ya! I spent the first six months I dated Drew talking myself out of a real relationship with him. First, I told myself it was just a vacation fling (I met him while I was visiting NYC for a long weekend), then I told myself it was just a summer fling. When he stretched beyond that and real feelings were developing, I told myself it couldn’t work because we were long distance and it was supposed to have ended when the summer did. I’m so glad he was patient with me and that I fought that natural instinct to throw away a very, very good man because I didn’t think I deserved to be treated and loved as well as he had been treating me.
Also, not to keep picking on you, @shakeourtree, but you say that you are accustomed to being blown off? That’s not good. That means it’s a pattern, and I promise you the pattern doesn’t exist because all men are jerks; the pattern exists because you are picking men who are jerks. You — and everyone else who is in this same boat — need to figure out why that is. And why, when you find someone who isn’t a jerk — who is, in fact, a “good man,” — it feels so uncomfortable for you that you, in your words “don’t know what to do.”
@Shakeourtree, what happened with the quiet guy you seemed to like who seemed to really like you? I went back about a month in this thread and you wrote that you were a little concerned that he had disabled his dating profile, saying: “I’m so used to guys “not believing in marriage” or not being “ready for a relationship” or just generally being noncommittal and wishy washy that I don’t even know what I’m doing now that a good man has come along.”
I think the next thing you said, a week or two later, was that he rejected a date idea you had because he doesn’t like crowds. You asked here if that was a red flag and a few people told you that maybe you aren’t a good match (which, in my opinion, was the wrong thing to say).
And then maybe a week after that, it seemed you’d moved on, went out with this guy who has turned out to be a major asshole and you immediately liked him after the first date (whereas, with the quiet guy who was really into you, you weren’t sure how you felt after five dates, even after he met your friends and meshed well with them). Is it possible that you were hesitant with the quiet guy not because he had an aversion to crowds, but because, as you said, you aren’t used to good men? And is it possible that when you met the guy who turned out to be, surprise surprise, noncommittal and wishy-washy (it doesn’t get more noncommittal or wishy-washy than someone standing you up), you were instantly attracted to him because he validated what you believe you deserve (a guy who is NOT a ‘good man’) and was therefore, more comfortable to you?
I’m using you as an example here, and I’m sorry for putting you under the spotlight, but I see this kind of pattern ALL THE TIME (especially in this very thread) and I hope that maybe by pointing it out, someone — if not you — maybe recognizes it in themselves. I think recognizing the pattern and admitting that there’s some truth in it is the first step to breaking the mother-fucking pattern and getting the kind of relationship you ultimately deserve (but may not, on a subconscious level, believe you deserve just yet).
Yeah, I mean, I don’t think calling someone out will necessarily change that person’s behavior going forward, but that’s not any of your concern anyway; what IS your concern is expressing outrage and shock that someone would take for granted how valuable your time and energy and company is! To me, saying absolutely nothing expresses zero shock and outrage. It’s almost as if you were expecting it (not that you were, of course). I mean, I’ve been stood up once — well, twice, by the same person — that I can remember and that was by a girlfriend about a year ago. She simply forgot that we had plans and she was very, very apologetic (and I was still pretty pissed about it, especially when it happened a second time a couple weeks later!). If some guy EVER stood me up, I’d be so fucking irate. Like, how dare you stand me up! Who the fuck do you think you are?! You were fucking lucky to get my time in the first place and then you behave like that? Fuck you. It’s about putting an energy into the universe that I know I am worth more than that.
Like, let’s say this wasn’t a date who stood you up, but a new friend — maybe someone you met online (like say a local DW friend you’d emailed a couple times, had lunch with and then made plans to get together with again). Let’s say that DW friend stood you up and then you noticed her commenting on the site later. What would you do? If it were me, I’d say, “Hey, what happened? We had plans! You said you were going to text and then, nothing! Was there a misunderstanding?” And then if that person still ignored me, I’d tell her she was incredibly rude and that she wasted my time, and THEN I’d delete her number and write her off.
@shakeourtree, Did you call him out on this despicable behavior? Did you sent a message asking what happened to him? That’s what I would do before deleting his number. These assholes need to be called out on being assholes.
Kare, I;m assuming your friend knows how you feel about her shitty fiance? In which case, you can say, “You know how I feel about “Tom,” and you know I love you so I will support you always, and I will always be happy to do things with you and [her daughter], but I’m not interesting in spending my free time with Tom. Please know that that isn’t a reflection on my feelings for you at all. It’s only a reflection on my feelings for him. I think you can do a lot better. But he’s the guy you’ve chosen so I will accept that and be civil to him, but that doesn’t mean I have to embrace him as a friend, as someone to spend down time with.”
Ooh, good choice!
What dress did you decide on ktfran?
Ooh, that is a super pointy toe, isn’t it? I like all the straps though.
I vote for for vince so far. Here are a few others for your consideration:
https://api.shopstyle.com/action/apiVisitRetailer?id=518081371&pid=uid7024-24991532-18
https://api.shopstyle.com/action/apiVisitRetailer?id=486573259&pid=uid7024-24991532-18
https://api.shopstyle.com/action/apiVisitRetailer?id=516532839&pid=uid7024-24991532-18
https://api.shopstyle.com/action/apiVisitRetailer?id=511829248&pid=uid7024-24991532-18
https://api.shopstyle.com/action/apiVisitRetailer?id=519748592&pid=uid7024-24991532-18
