Dear Wendy
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Yes, it’s weird bc it’s out of character and a disruption of their usual communication pattern.
The two months of dating thing has to be seen in context. I mean, I’ve dated plenty of guys for two months, but I’ve never declared exclusivity that early, especially with someone long distance. So, that seems unusual for me and what I’m used to. However, when Drew and I started dating — and we were long distance — we talked every single day and I knew he was definitely interested in me, even though we didn’t talk exclusivity for months. I would have thought it VERY strange if he suddenly announced two months in that he had a job offer halfway around the world and then he took off for a meeting and didn’t contact me for days. Like, in all the talking we did every single day, you never mentioned this job? And then you didn’t bother to check in with me — even a text — to say, “I’m here. Sorry to drop that on you. We’ll talk when I get back” ?
But there are other guys from my past I may have even dating for two months and I wouldn’t have thought much if they took off for a few days or accepted a job far away without telling me because we were super casual, not exclusive, and not talking every single day.
Context!
@MissDre Have you been to his home? Met anyone in his life? Do you think it’s possible he is hiding a marriage/ secret life from you? Does that ring plausible given what you do or don’t know and have seen and haven’t seen of his life?
We don’t want to put an irrational fear in your head, but if it isn’t totally irrational, I think it’s wise to at least investigate a little if you can (social media, google, etc.).
If you don’t hear from him until he gets back, when you do finally hear from him, I’d say: “Hey, I’m really confused and disappointed and hurt. You came on so hot and heavy from the beginning, giving me every indication that you not only wanted a committed relationship, but you wanted one with me. You even asked me to be exclusive. In my mind, that level of closeness warrants at least a conversation that you may be up for a job on the other side of the world. Maybe you didn’t know you were up for the job until you were offered to you, but if you did, I wish you would have shared that with me as it maybe would have changed how I moved forward with you. And as soon as you did know about this job, I would have appreciated an actual phone call. But you didn’t call when you found out about it or even in the days you were away. That sends a clear message to me that conflicts with the message you’d been giving me up to now, and so I don’t know what to think or feel, except confusion and disappointment and hurt.”
LadyE, I think three dates is plenty of time for someone to know whether he wouldn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship. You say he barely knew you, but then, that means you barely knew him, too, right? So, it seems both of you were about to come to some kind of conclusion about your feelings without really knowing each other well. You decided you really, really liked him. He, for whatever reason didn’t feel a romantic spark. It isn’t about timing. Trust me. If a guy is super into a woman, it doesn’t matter if he was divorced last week (I mean, it does in terms of having a successful relationship; you want someone who has processed his divorce. But a recent divorce doesn’t mean jack in terms of pursuing someone. If a guy is interested he’s going to go for it.) I think he probably just didn’t feel chemistry or attraction. It happens. But you need to accept it and let it go. And maybe instead of putting so much weight on common interests (including a shared faith maybe?), spend the first couple of months that you’re dating someone new just getting to know each other and building a friendship. I think common interests are FAR less important that mutual attraction and chemistry.
I’m not sure if you mentioned this — I didn’t pay close attention. But did you guys get physical at all over the course of your three dates?
I know it’s hard — we’ve all been there, we all know this sucks. BUT! This is an opportunity for you to empower yourself and say, “You know what, no. I deserve better. I deserve someone whom I not only feel a connection with, but who doesn’t act like a drunk douche within weeks of us meeting and who doesn’t claim to be “bad at relationships,” and doesn’t blame me for things moving too quickly or him getting scared. I deserve someone is isn’t scared by the idea of being with me!”
Don’t wait for him to miss you. Don’t let him get the power here. Tell him you thought about what he said and you’re choosing to believe he’s bad at relationships and that’s not what you’re looking for, even though he has other qualities that you are looking for. Wish him well and be on your way. I promise, as much as it sucks and it hurts, the empowerment will be the longer-lasting of the emotions you feel from this. And it will carry over into future relationships. It’s basically like sending a message to the universe that you aren’t fucking around and to do better next time.
Ew, no, Lucia – why have you let this guy hold on to any power over you? He’s been a jerk – flaky, wishy-washy, making up all kinds in excuses, putting blame on you, etc. Why would you have any interest in even hoping for a relationship with him at this point? For the record, when someone tells you he’s bad at relationships, believe him!! That’s not bullshit; that is someone giving you fair warning. I say MOA and be glad it was just a one-month investment and maybe you learned something and gained some wisdom (like if a guy is talking in the first month about being a stay at home dad to your kids one day, that’s a red flag and not something you should be in a rush to lock down).
Lucia, I’ve seen this kind of thing happen lots of times before. My prediction is there is another woman — either the one he was sort of dating before he met you, another woman from his past who has resurfaced, or someone new he’s just met — and he’s not ready to commit to you and not explore things with this other woman (or other women, in general). He’s probably sensing that you’re ready to move things forward and he’s not there yet but he likes you and so he’s worried about losing you by not being ready to be exclusive yet. That’s my take.
I think you should be prepared for the conversation to maybe go in that direction and think about how you want to proceed. Are you ok with seeing other people? Are you ok with not being exclusive for a while (or ever?). If you aren’t — if you want to be exclusive and he doesn’t, then you have to accept that this isn’t a match. My guess he’s probably just as worried about that possibility as you are. But you both need to be honest about what you want and what you’re ready for.
Girl, I hear ya! I spent the first six months I dated Drew talking myself out of a real relationship with him. First, I told myself it was just a vacation fling (I met him while I was visiting NYC for a long weekend), then I told myself it was just a summer fling. When he stretched beyond that and real feelings were developing, I told myself it couldn’t work because we were long distance and it was supposed to have ended when the summer did. I’m so glad he was patient with me and that I fought that natural instinct to throw away a very, very good man because I didn’t think I deserved to be treated and loved as well as he had been treating me.
Also, not to keep picking on you, @shakeourtree, but you say that you are accustomed to being blown off? That’s not good. That means it’s a pattern, and I promise you the pattern doesn’t exist because all men are jerks; the pattern exists because you are picking men who are jerks. You — and everyone else who is in this same boat — need to figure out why that is. And why, when you find someone who isn’t a jerk — who is, in fact, a “good man,” — it feels so uncomfortable for you that you, in your words “don’t know what to do.”
@Shakeourtree, what happened with the quiet guy you seemed to like who seemed to really like you? I went back about a month in this thread and you wrote that you were a little concerned that he had disabled his dating profile, saying: “I’m so used to guys “not believing in marriage” or not being “ready for a relationship” or just generally being noncommittal and wishy washy that I don’t even know what I’m doing now that a good man has come along.”
I think the next thing you said, a week or two later, was that he rejected a date idea you had because he doesn’t like crowds. You asked here if that was a red flag and a few people told you that maybe you aren’t a good match (which, in my opinion, was the wrong thing to say).
And then maybe a week after that, it seemed you’d moved on, went out with this guy who has turned out to be a major asshole and you immediately liked him after the first date (whereas, with the quiet guy who was really into you, you weren’t sure how you felt after five dates, even after he met your friends and meshed well with them). Is it possible that you were hesitant with the quiet guy not because he had an aversion to crowds, but because, as you said, you aren’t used to good men? And is it possible that when you met the guy who turned out to be, surprise surprise, noncommittal and wishy-washy (it doesn’t get more noncommittal or wishy-washy than someone standing you up), you were instantly attracted to him because he validated what you believe you deserve (a guy who is NOT a ‘good man’) and was therefore, more comfortable to you?
I’m using you as an example here, and I’m sorry for putting you under the spotlight, but I see this kind of pattern ALL THE TIME (especially in this very thread) and I hope that maybe by pointing it out, someone — if not you — maybe recognizes it in themselves. I think recognizing the pattern and admitting that there’s some truth in it is the first step to breaking the mother-fucking pattern and getting the kind of relationship you ultimately deserve (but may not, on a subconscious level, believe you deserve just yet).
Yeah, I mean, I don’t think calling someone out will necessarily change that person’s behavior going forward, but that’s not any of your concern anyway; what IS your concern is expressing outrage and shock that someone would take for granted how valuable your time and energy and company is! To me, saying absolutely nothing expresses zero shock and outrage. It’s almost as if you were expecting it (not that you were, of course). I mean, I’ve been stood up once — well, twice, by the same person — that I can remember and that was by a girlfriend about a year ago. She simply forgot that we had plans and she was very, very apologetic (and I was still pretty pissed about it, especially when it happened a second time a couple weeks later!). If some guy EVER stood me up, I’d be so fucking irate. Like, how dare you stand me up! Who the fuck do you think you are?! You were fucking lucky to get my time in the first place and then you behave like that? Fuck you. It’s about putting an energy into the universe that I know I am worth more than that.
