bloodymediocrity
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This is probably beyond the scope of this forum. I know “therapy” is the generic answer but its the right one. I know its expensive but it may be necessary.
But here’s what we can tell you: all of this is dangerous unhealthy. Your stalking of him every time he leaves, the panic attacks from when he’s not there, his threatening to kill himself if you’re not there. All of this needs to stop.
If therapy is truly absolutely unattainable, you must start making your life more fulfilling without this guy, whether you are broken up or not. Be with friends, find hobbies. Make your life worth living whether the guy is there or not.
If he keeps threatening suicide, tell a trusted member of his family if its an option, and if its not, consult local social services.
I kind of feel like this many problems only three months in to a relationship is not really with the effort. It’s not your responsibility to train him into emotional honesty. It’s ok to just move on.
I agree with Kate here.
Him being broke is the least of the red flags here. I’d be more concerned with how quickly he’s moving on from his ex.
Don’t invest any more time here.
Yeah, his comments suggest a really dim view of women. That’s a bigger issue than catching him staring at your friend.
See, I don’t think we can accurately say what the research referenced in that Psych Today article says because the link to the study doesn’t work. But other references to the study suggest otherwise.
Even though the end result is the same, to me there is a world of difference between “women’s libido drops as stress rises due to differing levels of erotic plasticity” and “women use sex as an economic tool to control men”.
Here’s a few quotes that led me to my conclusion that the author is viewing sexuality purely from an economic perspective without any regard to how relationships actually function.
“Therefore, sex for men is a no-risk/high-profit investment. For woman, the equation is reversed. Thus, the supply of female interest in sex is reduced, and since male demand is high, the price rises.”
“Man’s heightened motivation for sex puts them at a disadvantage because, according to the well-known “principle of least interest,” the one less invested (or motivated) in a relationship, controls it.
“For example, if you love your partner more than he loves you and you are more invested in the relationship than he is, then control of the relationship rests with him. The one who’s in love will do everything to save the relationship, even if it costs them big concessions. According to this principle, the fact that women are less sexually needy and motivated for sex puts them in a position of power in sexual negotiations.”
“Another reason why female sex has become a valued resource is related in all likelihood to human social history, in which, without exception, men have controlled most of society’s resources-–money, status and power positions. In such a situation, sex has been one of the few assets that women could leverage for obtaining other valuable social goods such as power, status, and money.”
“Baumeister’s analysis of the sexual marketplace, then, assumes that sex is not just a private matter but a part of the socio-economic system, just as buying a house is not just a private act but part of a system.”
“…for example in societies where women outnumber men, the price of sex is bound to drop because supply (feminine sex) exceeds demand (men looking for sex).”
“If we view sexy dress as advertising and public relations of a property owner who wishes to sell, we understand that such an owner would want to stimulate interest in as many potential buyers as possible, not because she aims to ‘sell’ to all of them but because she seeks to find the one optimal ‘buyer.’ Thus viewed, an attractively dressed woman conveys an interest in finding a suitable partner, not in finding many partners.”
Interesting article: Essentially dressing up the “high value man” “high value woman” theories that are so popular in the manosphere right now. Of course, no actual data is described and near as I can tell no research has actually been done. The only link in the article is dead.
I looked up a bit more on the author I think the psychology today article is spinning his work to be more compatible to these “value” ideas. His work suggests that women’s libido fluctuates more in relation to their surroundings. So…he’s basically agreeing with everyone else: when women have shitty home lives, their libido shrinks. That’s exactly what everyone here is saying.
Shemp – you’re comparing anecdotal data (your friends) to things that have studied and researched extensively. You also don’t know the personal details of the inner workings of your friend’s relationship beyond how happy your friends are with the amount of sex they are having. This research is easy to find with Google. I did the hard work for you:
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2
But it’s a pretty simple concept. Resentment is a libido killer and I don’t think that’s something unique to one gender, but I do think that there are far more women out there that are resentful of their male partners for not pulling their weight with household chores and planning, parenting duties, etc.
No, not every relationship is going to reflect this dynamic, so it’s totally possible your friends are the outliers.
Your cousin seems to have come down with a case of “being an asshole”. The reasons why might be unclear, but the response is the same: You don’t need their negativity in your life. Be polite but distant.
Some people just become jerks once they become parents. Some people become jerks when other people become parents.
Maybe when she’s not in the thick of young child be parenting she’ll become more tolerable, but that’s not something you need to try to navigate.
I think a good thing to check on is if this guy has a lot of female friends. This can tell you if other women feel safe around him, and if he respects women enough to actually be friends with them without wanting “something more”.
In my experience, alt-guys/social-justice guys who talk a big game online about deconstructing their own behavior usually haven’t actually done the work and usually are doing it for their own egos. I would tread very, very carefully especially since he seems early in his “healing journey”, so to speak.
Deconstructing toxic masculinity is something that needs to be done with a therapist, not just instagram pages and confessional social media posts.
The stress was the fear that her mom would actually say no, and their home life would be disrupted and it would be really hard on her sister.
While she butts heads with her step dad fairly often, she didn’t want to see them split up either. They’ve been together for 10 years now so it’s not like he’s some new guy in the picture.
She had to deal with my own divorce in her own way about a year ago, so she has some complicated feelings about it.
Good news though, she said yes. Phew!
