bloodymediocrity
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This is probably beyond the scope of this forum. I know “therapy” is the generic answer but its the right one. I know its expensive but it may be necessary.
But here’s what we can tell you: all of this is dangerous unhealthy. Your stalking of him every time he leaves, the panic attacks from when he’s not there, his threatening to kill himself if you’re not there. All of this needs to stop.
If therapy is truly absolutely unattainable, you must start making your life more fulfilling without this guy, whether you are broken up or not. Be with friends, find hobbies. Make your life worth living whether the guy is there or not.
If he keeps threatening suicide, tell a trusted member of his family if its an option, and if its not, consult local social services.
I kind of feel like this many problems only three months in to a relationship is not really with the effort. It’s not your responsibility to train him into emotional honesty. It’s ok to just move on.
I agree with Kate here.
Him being broke is the least of the red flags here. I’d be more concerned with how quickly he’s moving on from his ex.
Don’t invest any more time here.
Yeah, his comments suggest a really dim view of women. That’s a bigger issue than catching him staring at your friend.
Your cousin seems to have come down with a case of “being an asshole”. The reasons why might be unclear, but the response is the same: You don’t need their negativity in your life. Be polite but distant.
Some people just become jerks once they become parents. Some people become jerks when other people become parents.
Maybe when she’s not in the thick of young child be parenting she’ll become more tolerable, but that’s not something you need to try to navigate.
I think a good thing to check on is if this guy has a lot of female friends. This can tell you if other women feel safe around him, and if he respects women enough to actually be friends with them without wanting “something more”.
In my experience, alt-guys/social-justice guys who talk a big game online about deconstructing their own behavior usually haven’t actually done the work and usually are doing it for their own egos. I would tread very, very carefully especially since he seems early in his “healing journey”, so to speak.
Deconstructing toxic masculinity is something that needs to be done with a therapist, not just instagram pages and confessional social media posts.
The stress was the fear that her mom would actually say no, and their home life would be disrupted and it would be really hard on her sister.
While she butts heads with her step dad fairly often, she didn’t want to see them split up either. They’ve been together for 10 years now so it’s not like he’s some new guy in the picture.
She had to deal with my own divorce in her own way about a year ago, so she has some complicated feelings about it.
Good news though, she said yes. Phew!
General vent (but advice welcome anyways) incoming.
My 13-year-old daughter’s mom’s partner (but not married yet) informed her (and her younger half-sister) that he’s planning on proposing this weekend. Daughter is feeling really stressed out about this and I really wish he wouldn’t have mentioned anything at all and just popped the question on his own so they could more delicately inform the kids, instead of dragging daughter into a nebulous wait-and-see mode of waiting.
I guess it shows he’s really confident she’s going to say yes and I hope she does, but she’s said things in the past that suggest that she might not. Her mom has a really bad habit of using daughter to vent about the would-be-stepdad which is not something I’m fond of.
I know this is kind of a not-my-monkeys-not-my-circus problem, but I’m also anxious about it because if I was a betting man I see her saying no, and damn would that make shit at her other home awkward.
So to put it concisely the conflict with your sister-in-law can be summarized as this: The door to your sister’s room (in your house) made noise that you found annoying, her boyfriend came down shirtless and you made a comment of front of her parents that embarassed them, and then blamed her for the comment you made?
I mean, yeah, of course you’re going to have conflict with that whole family now. And your husband isn’t really doing anything to help navigate this.
Your dislike of your sister-in-law is poisoning your relationship with the mother-in-law, and you cannot seriously expect the mother-in-law to choose you over her own daughter. So you need to make peace with your sister-in-law, or abandon hope of a relationship with your MIL.
For what it’s worth, the way you describe it here, your sister-in-law sounds like she’s acting like a normal 20 year old. She’s doing things that are mildly annoying at best, and you came down way too hard on her. Maybe there’s a pattern of behavior that you haven’t mentioned here, but if the worst thing they did was make too much noise because of a problem with your door, well, they aren’t the assholes here.
It’s time you set up some boundaries with your mother. It’s going to suck, but you need to do it now instead of after when the baby is born.
You need a hard line with her and let her know that you’re not going to let her trash your in-laws anymore.
“Mom, I don’t have it in me to listen to you bad-mouth my in-laws.” And if (realistically, when) she pushes that boundary, you stop talking to her. Yes, she’s going to feel bad. She’s going to be angry. You have to stick to it.
Every time she does something that triggers your anxiety, you exit the conversation.
She won’t like it, but you are not responsible for her emotions. You need to be taking care of you and eventually taking care of that baby. You cannot manage her emotions for her and you’re only going to hurt yourself and your family in the long run by trying.
If she’s not at the baby shower, that’s on her. “She couldn’t make it” is all you have to say to anyone who asks about it.
BPD is tough, but trying to manage the emotions of someone who has BPD is a losing game.
Hey LW – good job. Really, you’ve made a very difficult decision but I am absolutely confident it was the right one. It hurts now for sure, but in the long run you are saving yourself many difficult years. You should be very proud that you were smart enough to realize these facts about your ex-fiancé. In the coming weeks and months you’re going to realize other red flags you have overlooked. It will get easier though.
