Essie
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Oh, and a proposal is not proof that he loves you.
Yeah, maybe he’ll propose, just to make you stop nagging him about it. Is that what you want? A guy that you had to relentlessly pressure into marrying you? A proposal that’s the result of an ultimatum? Do you really think that will lead to a happy, healthy, loving marriage?
Marriage is not something you put in a “planned life timeline.” Good god, do you really think that? That it’s like buying your first car, or reaching a career milestone? Something you check off a list?
It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t want to marry you. He wouldn’t have been putting you off for a year if he did. I think you know that, deep down.
LW, I just want to reinforce that you’re not weird or bad for feeling the way you do. Crushes on teachers are really, really common at your age. I had a few crushes on teachers in those years; I remember being heartbroken and sobbing when I found out the biology teacher I had a crush on was transferring to a different school. Out of sight, out of mind: it faded when I didn’t see him anymore.
You’re coming up on summer break, and I’m guessing you won’t have a class with this guy next year. I bet by the fall, the crush will be gone.
There’s really not any reason to be jealous of your friend, and it’s not fair to her. The teacher isn’t interested in either one of you that way. I don’t say this to be mean, but normal men his age aren’t into dating teenagers.
The only thing to do to get over a crush is to distract yourself. If you find yourself thinking about him, make a conscious effort to do something else that occupies your mind. Homework, reading a book, catching up on a show on Netflix, a hobby, anything.
The good news is, crushes don’t last. Especially at your age. He may be the most interesting guy you’ve met so far, but there are lots and lots more interesting men in your future. And someone who likes you back, that you can go on dates with, is WAY more interesting than a teacher who’s just being nice to his students.
If I read your letter correctly, you and this guy even don’t live in the same country. You were only together for three months before he moved away, and you see him during the summer on your school break. You weren’t even planning to see him this summer. Does he ever come to visit you? Or is this just a phone/text relationship for the other 9 months of the year?
Do you really think this is the first woman he’s slept with while you’ve been away? She’s just the first one he’s gotten pregnant, and he had no choice but to tell you about her. And even now, he says he “can’t decide.”
This is no kind of “relationship” for a 21-year-old to be in. You’ve built this up into some kind of long-distance romantic fantasy in your head, and he’s off making babies with other women. Tell him YOU’VE made the decision, and it’s over. Date guys that are local, so you can actually spend time with them. Stop wasting time with this guy; you’re missing out on a real relationship.
I don’t know who’s worse. A woman who’s so cold-hearted and selfish that she drives a man’s daughter out of his life and thinks she’s had a triumph, or the man who lets her do it. The two of you deserve each other.
Emotions getting out of hand is the symptom, not the problem. The problem is that you loathe your boyfriend’s child, in a way that’s frankly unhealthy.
If you think you’re going to “win” here, and make him choose you over his child, you’re sadly mistaken. It’s only a matter of time before he does the right thing for his family and breaks up with you.
One of the things that impressed me about my boyfriend when we first started dating was that his kids were his top priority. Always. There have been plenty of re-arranged dates over the years because his kids needed something. Often I’d go along, and we’d turn it into something fun. I still have fond memories of the night we got lost driving out to pick up his son’s car at his college. We had dinner at a terrific little restaurant we came across on some back road. It wasn’t the date we’d planned before his son called, but it was probably a lot more fun.
Did he sometimes overspend on his kids? Sure. I never once criticized him for it, because I’ve made my share of not-great decisions, too, and he was doing it out of love.
But then, I’m not so insecure that I’d have a jealous fit over my partner helping his kids.
Oh, lovely. You’re calling a 19-year-old “evil and manipulative.” She’s about the only one I feel sorry for in this absurd situation.
You’re her father’s weekend girlfriend. You don’t even try to hide the fact that you’ve loathed her since you met her. You have absolutely no right to tell her how to interact with her father, and no right to tell him how to parent her. You thought he’d be happy that his child cut him out of her life? What is WRONG with you?
This “relationship” needs to end before one of you seriously injures the other. It’s dead at this point, anyway. Your open contempt for his child has killed it. Leave this family alone. I hope they can rebuild their relationships after you’re out of their lives.
You need a therapist to help you handle your feelings. Talk about self-sabotaging…this kind of behavior ruins lives. Meaning, ruins your life. As in, you will lose friends, family members will cut you off, potential boyfriends will run for the hills.
Being upset, even losing your temper is understandable when a relationship is falling apart, but you took it to an absolutely ridiculous level, and there’s no defending it. There are no excuses for behaving the way you did.
I’m not trying to bash you, just trying to make you see that you need to get yourself under control. If you truly can’t do it yourself, then get professional help. There’s no shame in asking for help.
As for this guy: I don’t think the relationship was worth salvaging, fighting all the time over petty crap means you’re not right for each other. But regardless, I think you broke it beyond all hope of recovery. Some things can’t be forgiven. Don’t contact him again, it’ll only lead to more embarrassment. Just take it as the life lesson that it is, and do better next time.
You’re mourning the death of a fantasy – the guy you once thought he was, the guy you hoped he’d be. You found out over time that he wasn’t that guy. And that’s a pretty common relationship pattern. Everything’s new and shiny at first, it all seems perfect, and then slowly, reality comes creeping in and you start seeing facets of their personality that aren’t so shiny and perfect.
@Juliecatharine’s right – when you feel sad, think about the REAL him. The one you got to know and realized wasn’t at all the right guy for you. This relationship was never going to work, because he wasn’t the person you thought he was.Yes, what @LisforLeslie said – the fact that things didn’t click between you doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
The fact is, most dating situations/relationships aren’t going to work out. Some fall apart early, like this one, some last longer before the break happens. What you’re looking for is pretty rare, after all – a match between two people who have compatible personalities, are compatible in terms of attraction to each other, sexuality, in terms of interests, beliefs, and a whole lot of other points of compatibility. That’s not easy to find.
Don’t get discouraged….there’s a guy out there who’s a better match. 🙂
