Kate
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Yeah, what Daisy said.
Truly, that kind of underwear you’re talking about, it’s for men. And like, teenage girls who don’t know any better and it’s their first boyfriend. It’s super uncomfortable to wear and it feels cliche and impersonal. There’s a lot of quality loungewear and lingerie out there that is made for real women to wear and feel good in. Kim Kardashian’s Skims, for example.
But whatever, the underwear thing is the least of the issues here.
Oh that’s interesting. And what’s been the biggest factor preventing you from having had relationships? And can you just say when you write in that you are the artist formerly known as taco Tuesday? Because we are always going to get there eventually.
Also you said you’re a late bloomer. Any relationship experience or history of controlling and manipulative men in your life? Have you had healthy relationships?
Yeah, it is like addiction. If you can’t get help, at least read up on addiction, obsession, toxic relationship cycles, etc.
I’m in a happy marriage now, btw, but before I met my husband I did cut off contact with my ex and have a solid year of taking care of myself, having fun, being ok being single, and letting go of limiting beliefs about myself.
His behavior strongly suggests that HE is not trustworthy. I, too, wondered if you had seen his living situation on video, seen / met his roommates. Even if that’s all true, I think you’re naive to think he couldn’t be entertaining other women. Multiple-male roommate situations are conducive to that, I know because I’ve heard wild stories about my husband’s college and post college living situation. And even if you’ve met his family.., I mean, again, it’s a red flag if you haven’t, but even if you have, it doesn’t matter. A lot of us have met, gone on vacation with, etc., the families of men who cheated on us. Finally, great point about why you would choose a boyfriend who lives 6 time zones away… what’s that, the US? Asia? … in a country you can’t visit. Right? You chose that for a reason, consciously or subconsciously. It makes a lot of sense to see if you can work with a therapist or coach on your social issues, whether that’s anxiety or something else.
We’re not trying to be jerks here, but do want you to see that this isn’t a good situation for you.
You’re very young, you were super young when you met him, and… I mean, you’re figuring out he’s actually a jerk and this is a bad relationship. That’s okay, everyone has bad relationships when they’re young, with the wrong people. You just have to recognize it and move on. You should move back in with your parents and make a plan. You could even move your stuff out while he’s gone.
He sounds charismatic, maybe somewhat of a narcissist, someone who puts you down to build himself up, and you’ve seen him as this big-deal guy when in reality he’s a jerk.
You do need to get out of this. You can do it. Dump him.
I do think that if you aren’t getting quality sleep and getting some movement during the day, and some sunlight, it’s going to be really hard to make progress on routines that will set you up to feel good. You absolutely have to follow the good sleep hygiene stuff, not scroll on your phone in bed, etc.
If I have a bad night of sleep, I’m toast. Most of the time I get a good night’s sleep and I can be productive and feel calm and secure and not overeat. Get up at the same time, make bed, walk dog, have a smoothie, do some weights, stay hydrated, do the important/urgent items on my list… All of that sets me up to feel pretty good.
Becoming a happier person may mean doing some work to identify what you really want, and then making some life changes to head toward getting there. It might involve working with a therapist, coach, and/or a trainer. Maybe making peace with some things. Maybe even trying medication. It’s a process. There’s no easy quick fix. And finding a new partner won’t do it either. Better to start the work now while single, to become someone who can be a good partner in a healthy relationship.
Buying a house and moving are super stressful. Give yourself some room to feel the complex emotions. We bought a new place a few months ago and it was a stressful roller coaster negotiating with the builder and arranging everything.
Buying a home can be a good move, but it’s not a ticket to happiness, I think that’s kind of a myth of the American dream. Like, it’s shelter, it can help you build financial security, and it can let you express your style and make a home that is just how you want it. That’s really it, right? It’s not going to make a person who struggles with depression and anxiety, suddenly well.
Hold on, web page is acting up…
That was a genuine wow in reaction to you telling me to stop commenting. Was honestly taken aback.
Ok, should be all set. I wasn’t sarcastic or biting or in any way suggested you aren’t smart. You need to stop. ✋
That’s such bullshit, because I had a direct report struggling big time with time management and deadlines. My boss told me to go to HR (do NOT ever do that btw), and our HR business partner was like, “uh, you need to be really prescriptive, and you need to put meetings on his calendar to check in.” Like if I told him to do something I had to be super clear when it needed to be done, and proactively, myself, set up meetings to review the drafts. It’s not bullying to tell someone they need to work on their time management. If you implied they were mentally slow, or lazy due to race or something, that’s obviously harassment. Or there are other things you could say that might be mean but not harassment and might fit into a pattern of bullying or hostile workplace. But asking someone to speak up if they need more time is normal coaching, what managers are expected to do.
