keyblade

Not everybody is a fan of My Best Friend’s Girl Cheeses crust scene. But if you dislike Kate as moderator, you probably haven’t noticed all the fake posts and trolls she’s deleted and blocked. She chooses to volunteer her time to keep the forums readable.

I think most readers are glad Kate can offset some of Wendy’s workload keeping garbage off the site. Nobody voted her in. It’s something she chooses to do to help.

“So my life is pretty com0ecated right now. I was with my boyfriend of 5 years we have two children nd recently broke up about a year ago I’m only 21 we have 3kids and 1 on the way. I left him because of constant verbal and physical abuse”

Does the father pay anything towards into child support? It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of support. You are still really young and you can change things around. Ask your mom how much money she thinks she deserves to be compensated and then pay her that and thank her for supporting you when nobody else did.

It is really good you finally left your abusive boyfriend. It sounds like you started early and with this one being number four, it might be a good idea to consider tubal ligation. It is often offered right after labor and delivery because everything is open and ready to go. You are so young to consider it, but you also have a nice full family and four presumably wonderful kids to care for.

People are being hard but every baby ends up taking money, time, and love. You have four beautiful kids. You are young enough to still start a career. But the more children you end up having, the more you are going to take out of your own pot. Starting a business is one way to go. I know many people who advertised as a cleaning person/ assistant before they had a full time job. Do your kids qualify for Medicaid? Personally, I think the goal would be employment anywhere that provides decent vision, dental, and health coverage.

Another possibility is trying to work for a daycare and getting reduced tuition for your kids. You could also consider part time work as a home health care worker. In many places it only requires a few weeks of training.

“His Dr. labeled him severely obese, and diagnosed him as at risk for diabetes at the age of 26”

Yes, and you decided loved him enough to want to marry him. Most people gain weight as they age.

“I don’t see how that is fair to his family with the potential of losing his life at an early age and leaving my son and I behind just because he wanted the world to love and accept his unhealthy lifestyle.”

He didn’t ask the world to love and accept his unhealthy lifestyle; he reasonably expected his wife to love and accept him, even if he’s obese.

“On top of this, he only prefers thin/skinny women, and is not attracted to overweight women at all, so yes it’s a hypocritical and unfair double standard.”

A lot of men have those. But you don’t know if your now-husband would actually feel that way if you gained weight. The fact that he physically appreciates your figure now doesn’t necessarily mean he would have stopped wanting intimacy with you if you had put on 30 or 40lbs.

“But speaking of misdirection, he mislead me in terms of supporting my career choice. But I came to find out later that he just though it was a phase I was going through, and was secretly wishing I wouldn’t pursue that. Talk about a heartbreaker for me.”

Okay but was he unsupportive? How did you find out he didn’t/does not like your career?

“But I didn’t lash out and tell him he lied to me, and tell him I was gonna find someone else who accepted me and loved my career choice. Because you don’t just bail on a marriage like that.”
Okay but did either of you have communication tools to talk about each of your respective feelings and listen to each other’s experience?

“It’s a give and take, and if you love someone, you’ll do anything for them. And that includes changing the negative things about yourself, and constantly striving to be the best version of yourself, especially if its within your power to change.”

Yes, its give and take. I’m no relationship guru, but I don’t think a healthy relationship is doing anything for your partner. I think people should feel safe having limits. As far as the rest of what you wrote goes, your husband has never been a thin man and I assume you married him because you loved him and not because you thought he would physically remain twenty-five. He gained a lot of weight very quickly. He was able to lose that weight quickly. It isn’t surprising he would regain some of that weight.

Honestly, most American adults struggle with their weight at some point, especially as they hit middle age and their metabolism slows down. We also spend a lot of time on screens, we spend relativity little time preparing meals, and we tend to drive cars everywhere. He’s hardly alone. Many people with poverty have increased risk of obesity, and so do people with disabilities, or people on certain medications, or with certain genetic factors. Sexual abuse can play a role. Fat cells are even affected by the amount of sugar consumed early in life. Bone structure, epi-genetics, genetics, hormones all play a role in it. There are so many kinds of health problems. Do you really think all the overweight people in U.S. are sexless or their partners don’t enjoy their bodies? Bald, stretch-marked, freckled, varicose-veined people all have partners who actually love them.

Maybe that’s not what this is about for you.
“Here’s another fun fact: his mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer exactly 5 days after we got married. So what did we do? We moved in with her to help take care of her.”

You sound resentful. Maybe the reason you think your husband must suck it up is because that’s what you’ve told yourself to do when you were unhappy about something? Maybe your career was impacted by accommodating your husband. Or other parts of your life don’t look the way you hoped they would look? Maybe you thought you had to stay in a life situation that was uncomfortable for you to achieve your goals or fulfill your potential? Maybe neither you nor your husband ever developed the tools to be able to communicate with each other up until this point…
Look at your title: My obese husband wants a divorce b/c I don’t “love” his body.

That title makes it sound like you think your obese husband doesn’t appreciate you and is kidding himself about what he deserves. Maybe you’re just hurt because you weren’t expecting him to ask for a divorce so you’re lashing out on this thread. What kind of advice are you looking for, exactly? Validation that his fat body doesn’t deserve your love? Honestly, how did you think commenters would react to this title?

I know I’m nitpicking. Fyodor and Cleo’s posts made me feel both sad and mad.

“If this were a problem with alcohol, or smoking, or drugs would I still be called names on this forum?”

When I first met my husband, he drank/smoked/used drugs recreationally a few days a week. He went from recreational use to using alcohol/cigarettes/drugs throughout the week and was at considerable risk for disease and an early death. When we first went out I was attracted to him and we were physically intimate though I never initiated because I was grossed out by the physical impact his lifestyle had on his looks.

Despite this we got engaged and he kicked his habits back to recreational use. He even used less than we first began going out! He looked great at our wedding. But over the last few years after we had a son, his use has crept up. It isn’t as bad as it was before we got married, but I’m not longer attracted to him. Really, I never was attracted to his body, but I could see past looks and fell in love with his face and personality. I never initiate any physical sex anymore. He asked me a few years ago if I was no longer physically attracted to him because of the impact of his lifestyle and I told him yes.

He subsequently emotionally checked out on me, but that was fine, and I could live with it because we have a child. But now he has asked for a divorce. And he blames, me!!

Does it really matter who the bad guy is here? You are upset that he won’t give up habits he has always had to have physical and emotional intimacy with you. You are entitled to be upset, but you do sound as though he should be grateful you are willing to just go through the motions of living with him.

Yes, you have a child together. He may end up dying earlier. But food is different from other optional vices. Its a different journey; it requires functional every day choices. It has to do with direct control of ones own body.

The fact that you chose to be such a kind, supportive wife to him for years indicates you have been a loving a partner to him in many other ways besides physical. And it sounds like you feel he physically checked out on YOU by gaining weight. But I would be surprised if he was choosing to be this overweight. The fact that he lost weight the first time, makes it seem like this has perhaps been a life struggle for him?

Neither of you have to live side-by-side in a checked-out marriage for the rest of your lives just because you made a commitment to each other. I don’t think the sex issue is as trivial as you see it. People have different libido levels. Having an unsatisfactory sex life on top of all the other issues is a lot to take on and it’s hard to imagine the issue resolving itself. How is he supposed to initiate any consensual sex knowing you don’t find him attractive without feeling like he is controlling or coercing, you? Really the only way it seems viable is if he loses a ton of weight but nobody wants to feel like they have to lose weight in order for their partner to want to have sex with them. But if you don’t want to have sex with him because of his eating and exercise habits, I don’t think that is a reflection of you being a bad wife. You can only do what you can do in a marriage.

I’m sorry, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot together and the idea of a divorce is sad and difficult for you. Of course you can continue to express your desire to remain married and troubleshoot your differences, but not it is unlikely to be a successful attempt if both of you think he isn’t a good enough partner for you to have sex with him. Some people could make their peace with that but he doesn’t sound like one of them.

Maybe you would benefit from a support group or some individualized counseling. I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time and I hope you can get some peace of mind for yourself and your son, irrespective of your marriage. I hope things will get better for you no matter what you guys ultimately decide as a couple and as a family.

Obesity is frequently subdivided into categories:

Class 1: BMI of 30 to < 35
Class 2: BMI of 35 to < 40
Class 3: BMI of 40 or higher. Class 3 obesity is sometimes categorized as “extreme” or “severe” obesity.

https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/adult/defining.html

You are correct his BMI is 40.4 , and he is right at the line for being morbidly obese.

If the lbs were off, I would be more inclined to think the OP would fudge in her own favor, but her letter is very specific. Perhaps they’ve discussed his weight a lot.

“He says he can’t trust me anymore, and thinks that our whole relationship was a lie and that I robbed him of finding someone who could of loved him”

That is a lot to come back from in any relationship; his desire to try is a requirement for the changes they will both have to make to fix all the resentment and negativity. Obviously they could just stay married and it doesn’t sound as though life would be particularly bad. They could find a good middle ground as a couple and enjoy the perks of marriage and being a family. There are no perfect lives. People stay in marriage and navigate disappointment just about everywhere. Perhaps they could even find happiness together. But I think the more nuanced reading of the letter writer’s husband’s reaction assumes that he hasn’t thought about it, he is reacting towards his wife rather than voicing his fully informed conclusions, and that his experience of their their life history isn’t accurate.

Brise, I think you are assuming he won’t be happier or better off following a divorce and maybe he won’t be. But I doubt he casually asked for one.

I think he probably knows exactly how lonely he has been for the last few years and if it is good for him to even try. If sex and physical intimacy have been a fundamental incompatibility issues for this long, maybe he does deserve a chance to pursue both love and acceptance on more honest terms.

Perhaps if he isn’t starved for affection and emotional intimacy by being married to someone he distrusts and resents, he will start taking better care of himself.