ktfran
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I’d say in the last 4 years, I’ve attended about three weddings/year. Of those weddings:
All but one was for people between the ages of 33 and 38, most were 35/36. That one was for my younger cousin and he lives in a small city. Still, he was late 20s. I’d say about half dated for only a year.
All but two of those people dated for about a year about they got engaged and was married within nine months. Only two dated longer.
Of all those, only me and one of my friends are with someone who has been married before. Luckily, there is no baggage with that.
Also of those, only two have had trouble conceiving, and one of those has finally conceived. The other is still trying unfortunately.
Anyway, I thought a few hard statistics would help to show that it’s not only late 20 something/early 30 something people getting married!! There’s hope!
Oh, and we already have two weddings on the docket for next year. Same age range. The husband is one. If my friend T ends up getting engaged, we’ll have three.
Copa, don’t settle! Unless you really only care about marriage and kids, then sure, settle.
I was 35 when I started dating the husband. Mid-35 in fact. My close friend just turned 36 when she met her now husband. Another friend was 33 when she met hers and married at 35. Another friend is my age, started dating her guy at 35 and they’re starting to talk marriage. I can give more examples, too! I never knew I’d attend so many first marriages in my mid to late 30’s. It’s insane!
I think there is something to be said for adjusting expectations. I think that’s different than settling though. To me, settling means you’ll marry any dude who comes along and shows interest, even if he isn’t a good fit, just so you can be married. Adjusting expectations means taking a look at your dating patterns and see if any isn’t working and maybe look outside your normal.
If you’re truly not feeling it, I’d skip out on it. There’s nothing wrong with that!
Edit to what kate and dre said!
If you’re not feeling it, don’t go. No need to force anything. However, I will say this…
I’m more reserved until I get to know someone. It’s hard in the dating world because first impressions are so important and I’m just not that outgoing. On the other hand, I have good friends who are a lot more vocal and outgoing than I am. They have no problem getting asked out at bars, or on second dates, etc.
People on here have met me. I’m fun. I’m easy to talk to. I’m not too bad on the eyes. It’s just that it takes me a while to feel comfortable. So, I guess I’m of the mindset to give someone a chance. They may be like me and it might take a couple of meetings to feel comfortable.
This is probably why all my relationships have started with people I work with….
However, if you’re more attracted to life of the party types, this probably isn’t your guy. I do think you should give other types a try….
Lots of bullshit comes with life in general… for instance, when you are in a relationship, it’s “when are you getting married, when are you moving in together, etc.” Then when you’re married, it’s “When are you going to have kids? Are you changing your name? Why aren’t you doing either? You’ll regret both.” Then when you have kids, it’s the bazillion other questions.
So… when I decide I need a recharge weekend, I also decide to stay off social media. It helps! You can concentrate on you and not feel like you’re missing out on anything. Something to try for future low key weekends.
With my therapist, I made a list similar to Heatherly’s. It was focused on the kind of person I wanted, i.e., personality traits. I still have that list and this is what I wrote:
Reliable
Good physical relationship (I wrote this because the ex-fiance, I never wanted to have sex with him, but the man I dated after, it was all sex but he was a jerk, so, there’s that).
Goofy
Comfort
Similar moral compass, and this comes from similar upbringings
Unspoken understanding in that we can each do what we want/have our own lives, but at the end of the day, we’re there for each other, so I guess maintaining our own independence
Trust each others words
Likes outdoor activities
Good with children, even though by that time I knew I didn’t want them
I didn’t care so much about occupation, or looks, but attraction did have to play a part. I also decided not to care what others think. Anyway, I pulled out the list when I was writing my vows and the husband has all of these traits in spades.
@ladye – I used to do the “shut in” thing. A couple times a year, maybe more, there were occasional weekends when I just, IDK, decided I wanted to binge watch tv and not interact with the world. And yeah, I’d feel kind of bad for not getting out there. Or I’d feel a little lonely. Or slightly depressed. But I’d give myself that weekend to re-energize myself. I took it for what it was, a weekend to recharge, then, the next week, weekend, months, I was ready to for friends and family and activities and life.
I think it’s hard because people are constantly posting about their “great lives.” But I think it’s ok to take a break from life. As long as it’s not a habit. Don’t feel bad!
FWIW, I still need those weekends occasionally. The husband will do them with me. It’s a little better to hold a shut in with a partner, however I still feel bad that I did absolutely nothing. At least you cleaned your house too! And shopped!
Oh my god, did you even read what people wrote, E? People aren’t dissing him because he smokes pot. Maybe one or two did, but not the majority. The entire problem is that he lied to her before they got married. Before marriage, he said he had stopped. After marriage, he started. That’s a straight up lie. That’s the problem. We would be giving the same advice about any lie, as Sky pointed out. People are allowed they’re preferences. These preferences didn’t match up, but he fooled her into marrying him. You’re so caught up about pot, you refuse to see the real problem.
Also, for someone who supposedly advocates for women, how could you not vote? Women fought hard for the right to vote, and you throw yours away? Classy.
Re, type: So, I will say that me, most of my friends and a few close cousins all found and married the anti-frat boy. They’re all slightly nerdy in different ways. Some are Athletic. Most are extremely social and can command a room. Only two are into the “strategy” games. They all like to watch and attend sporting events. They get along with everyone. We all like hanging out at a bar and grabbing drinks. They know their beer and liquor. And they’re all either in the medical profession, engineering or computer sciences. Just saying.
It might be worth it to try outside of “type.”
I had a friend that was really into pretty boy d-bags. Like, that’s all she dated and it sucked for her. She finally stepped outside her comfort zone and I was in her wedding last week!!!!
Loved Wendy’s profile rewrite! There are specifics. There’s a hook. It makes you sound like a person with fully formed opinions and interests. It’s real.
I also highly suggest counseling for self esteem issues. You’ve spent your entire life thinking you’re not worthy, so if you don’t see your value, nobody else will. A good counselor will help you see your worth, I promise you, it’s there despite what your family has told you. They suck for not lifting you up.
