Skyblossom
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The love you have for a partner and the love you have for a child are such different things that I don’t know how you compare them and rank them. You have romantic love with a partner and you see each other as a peer. You have a protective, guiding, paternal/maternal love for a child. In general you give more to a child because they need more. Your partner can take care of themself. Your child needs you to take care of them. You choose things with a partner like a house and furniture and cars. You pick things for a child, often with their input as they get older. I think that in general you are more giving with a child because you want the world for them. You want them to be able to do whatever they want so you provide the with college and you provide them with a car which is just a natural continuation of helping them with their homework, volunteering at school and driving them around to activities. Often parents buy a car as much for themselves as for the child. When the kid can drive and you give them a car you don’t have to keep driving them around yourself.
When parents remain married and so are raising the child without a girlfriend or boyfriend involved in the household I think there is far less comparing or measuring who loves who most. Both parents love the child and want to provide for the child so there is already a good level of agreement. Sometimes parents can disagree on the best way to support the child or the best way to spend a limited amount of money but one parent isn’t judging whether the other parent loves them as much as the child.
I think if you are worried about him loving the child more than you then you know he doesn’t love you very much. Otherwise there wouldn’t be an issue. You wouldn’t need to try to measure how much he spends on the kid compared to how much he spends on you. He can easily love you romantically and love the child paternally without it being a big deal. Kids do take time and he will need to be there for the child in a way he doesn’t need to be there for a romantic partner.
In a good relationship there is an effort made to meet the needs of all. That means time with the child, time with the partner and alone time. Often when your child has activities your social life and partner time is spent at the child’s activities socializing with the other parents. That is part of having a child.
You make excuses for your own bad behavior. Using the words I just wanted doesn’t excuse anything that you did. You have the idea that what you want overrides what he wants and that since you really want it he has to give in and do it. You will never have a healthy relationship if you can’t be in control of yourself.
Once he told you that he was done you were his ex and not your boyfriend and he owed you nothing and you need to respect his right to leave the relationship. He’s done. He can’t take anymore. You pushed so hard he left permanently.
You need to figure out yourself and learn to not give in to a whim or urge just because you want it, especially when it concerns another person and their wishes about how they want to be treated.
Many people need time to decompress after an argument and aren’t emotionally able to go straight back into it. Your ex seems to be one of those people. He needed some time alone to work through everything and get himself to a point where he could talk without it being an argument and you refused to give him that time. That alone makes the two of you incompatible because you seem to be unable to leave it alone for even a few minutes.
This incident is pretty funny if you aren’t the one in the middle of it.
You shouldn’t owe her anything. She came to your house uninvited and then cut her own hair uninvited, even if it was by accident. You shouldn’t pay for her stupidity. She needs to be responsible for her own actions and this was entirely her own action.
If she tried to sue this would at most be a small claims case and there is no reason to assume you owe her anything. Hopefully the boyfriend didn’t offer the $50 because with that in writing maybe you would owe that much.
Put up the dog brush where it can’t be found and taken so that if you go to small claims you can show it off and everyone can see that it clearly is meant for a dog. I’d also take a picture of it where it normally sits so anyone can see that it wasn’t put in a place that you might expect a person to find it and use it.
I’d be tempted to tell her boyfriend that although he is still welcome in your home she isn’t.
Thanks!
I think when you are trying to be controversial which he has admitted in the past, I think you are trying to sidetrack the discussion to bring attention to your own self instead of in any way trying to help the poster who began the discussion.
That tends to be selfish. I rarely see any advice, maybe never have, from Bac that is meant to be helpful to the original poster. It tends to be all in support of the person who is mistreating them and explaining why they should just continue in a relationship that is so bad they are writing in for advice.
I agree that he can certainly get into supporting creepy behavior.
I think he is clueless in understanding what is creepy and what social boundaries look like and why you are wasting your time when someone isn’t a good match. Love doesn’t mean beating your head against a wall trying to make a bad relationship work just because you love them. I think Bac has problems with normal social boundaries and normal social rules.
Our most difficult patrons are the men who don’t follow the normal social boundaries. Meaning they don’t respect wedding rings on fingers and go ahead and ask staff on dates. They try to watch porn on computers even after being told it isn’t allowed. They follow staff around hoping that repeatedly following someone will make them want a date. They tell blatantly sexual jokes to female staff who aren’t laughing.
Our most difficult women patrons tend to be women who won’t leave when we are closing.
That’s the most obvious difference we see between difficult men and difficult women.
@ Cleo You made me laugh and now I’m glad I didn’t throw my computer through the window.
I go back and forth between Bac being a troll or being just clueless to life in general and I usually come down to clueless. I think most trolls don’t have the ability to look clueless. I assume he is struggling somewhat to figure these things out.
@Bac
” It seems to me far more likely that here it is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for the things he said, that now, with hindsight seem like not a good idea. Either it was a promise that he made that he failed to keep, or now doesn’t want to keep, or something hurtful that he said. If he doesn’t admit saying it he can’t be blamed for it or held to it.”
That is just as obnoxious and rude as gaslighting. You seem to think it isn’t but it is. When an adult refuses to take responsibility for their own words and avoiding the consequences of what they said then they are acting like a child. You can’t have an adult relationship with someone who constantly acts like a child. So regardless of whether it is gaslighting, which it likely was, or refusal to take responsibility, it is relationship destroying and an excellent reason to dump them.
You seem to have missed entirely that the guy never paid for her. She either paid for both of them or he paid his share and she paid her share. Never did he pay for her but he let her pay for him a lot. He let her pay for him so much that she felt used. This isn’t whether it is better to pay for your own share each time or whether you take turns paying, this is she pays all of it or she pays half of it but he never pays for more than half. If they had each paid for their share every time she wouldn’t feel used. I’m left wondering how you missed this most basic detail from her original letter.
Telling someone to jump in front of a train is definitely lashing out even though you said you don’t do that.
Definitely get the counseling. You should be able to get it at your university or through whatever national healthcare you have. The Netherlands is rated as excellent for healthcare.
You can talk to the counselor about your childhood and sort out your issues and go to them when you start dating to figure out what you might be saying or doing that isn’t working. They can help you in a way a group of strangers can’t. In the meantime skip dating for a while. Work on become a healthy person who can handle the rejection that comes with dating. Spend time with people in a more relaxed way. Find some type of group that does an activity you think you would enjoy and join it.
Here are some options for Amsterdam.
https://www.meetup.com/cities/nl/amsterdam/?_cookie-check=r95vqjRzJr7nzDTz
When a whole group of people don’t understand what you are saying it means you aren’t explaining clearly or it means they do understand but you don’t like their understanding.
