veritek33
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Fyodor – yeah my therapist and I are working on that part of my personality. It’s all part of the anxiety trap.
Fyodor – I also think you’re right. I just like to talk these things out with my husband so were’ on the same page. Maybe we are overprepared lol.
Thank you Vathena and anonymousse. We had a long talk last night (husband and I) about how I’m just not going to allow her to take up negative space in my mind anymore. I made it very clear to my husband that when we get pregnant and have a child, I will not allow anyone to speak poorly to me or my child – and that if it helps him to wrap his head around it – imagine she was speaking or treating our child the way she speaks to and treats me. And it was like a lightbulb went off in his head. He got I finally.
We agreed that even if we go to Disney for the whole week, I get at least one day to do what I want to do. I will be allowed to go visit my family down there, or hide in the hotel, or just avoid his family altogether if that’s what I want to do that day. And if at any point she becomes too much or is having a negative effect on my mental health, I get to remove myself from the situation or gathering and he will back me up.
Hopefully we don’t stay the whole time and if we do, hopefully she’s too busy being in her Disney fantasy world that she just leaves me alone to drink by the pool.
The comment about me getting to have a wedding was made in my home when they came for the bbq in June and she saw our wedding album on the coffee table. “At least you got your wedding” I believe was the exact phrasing when she picked up our album too look at it and I said “oh, you found our pandemic wedding album.”
I did not respond at the time. All else has been second hand from my husband – so yeah, I can certainly ask him to stop telling me recaps from his phone calls with them unless it directly impacts me. He can certainly limit what he tells me.
That’s a good idea Wendy. Luckily we’ve actually only seen the in-laws maybe three times since our wedding ceremony in March? Mother’s day at their house, once for dinner when they were passing through town, and most recently when we invited them for a bbq at the end of June.
Covid IS a concern and they also live 1.5 hours away so that makes it harder to see them/easier to avoid them I suppose? I know he visited them when I was on my bachelorette weekend in January but I’m sure he could do more of that. I’ve been encouraging him to see them more, but I think he’s sort of avoiding visiting because of his sister too. He wants to spend time with his parents but not with her.
I think I’m definitely sitting out the next visit if and when it happens.
Hey Wendy I appreciate you chiming in. I’ve sorta considered that. To be honest everything I’ve done has been for my in laws and my husband. I love them and I don’t want to disappoint them. My husband loves his sister but their relationship is complicated.
His parents want to spend more time with us, which I absolutely support since my husband spends so much time with my family, but since she lives with them still – she’s always around.
I did suggest to my husband that we tell his parents we’d like to spend time with them without her being present because I’d be able to relax so much more. She goes to work and then goes back to their house and then her fiancée comes over. She’s always around.
They are part of the problem pushing us to be friends or at least friendly because they want one big happy family and It’s just not gonna happen. I guess I don’t know how to explain to my in laws that I want to keep the great relationship with them while also keeping at arms length from their daughter who they naturally love and are probably defensive of.
@ange I have the exact same opinion. Let’s take out of the equation all the bullshit about the engagement and the weddings – my husband has told me part of the reason he loves me is because I’m NOTHING like his sister. She’s very into Disney and boy bands and makeup and shopping, she doesn’t have any close friends – which is FINE. But I’m more into CrossFit and home improvement projects and baking and wine with friends. Literally the only thing we have in common is that we both love her brother. And I was okay with that. I think we can have a decent relationship without being BFFS. But only if she can let some stuff go.
One of my exes had the greatest sisters. They were amazing. We got along so great and I think part of why I stayed in that relationship for so long was because I didn’t want to say good bye to his family. But not all families are going to mesh perfectly. I was okay with being her sister in law and being friendly but not being bffs. I have people that play that role for me.
@Copa happy house hunting! I always enjoyed looking and dreaming when I was buying houses. But if you get to keep your old place and have some quiet time I think that’s great too. It would be nice to have that option from time to time.
@MPenny You’re not wrong. She is out of touch and ridiculous. Apparently my in-laws asked her to consider just having a ceremony here or in her fiancée’s home state and then we can all go on a big Disney vacation when C19 dies down to a comfortable level. She then had a screaming match with them about being unsupportive. Because her brother and I having to compromise our wedding is fine, but her having to do it is out of the question. Their cousins have also compromised their panned September and November weddings but she is refusing to do so.
She keeps saying “at least veritek got a wedding” but we didn’t actually. We had a ceremony in a back yard and we had lasagna thrown together in 72 hours. And the fact that she got to be there and not my best friend in the world who I stood next to on her wedding day, is something that’s going to bother me for a long time.
And to answer your other question – no, my husband does not correct her. And that’s one of the few things we argue about in our relationship. He’s so used to her BS that he tunes it out and really doesn’t notice it until I point it out. It was a long night in our house after his phone call with her when he didn’t defend me or call her out on her behavior. I’ve told him that if he can’t defend me to her or stand up for our family, I won’t be spending time with her anymore. He can go see her and visit as much as he’d like, but I won’t be joining. Which is apparently how his mom finally had to handle his aunts that were not kind to her for a long time. It’s a fun family tradition.
Thank you for the kind words about the pregnancy. It wasn’t meant to be and we only had a positive for less than 24 hours, but it still hurt.
Our local theater is doing streaming of independent films and the John Lewis documentary is available on Sunday so we might stream that from home in the air conditioning. A picnic does sound lovely though.
Tomorrow this thread turns 5 years old!!! Thanks for keeping this thread alive for so long. I’m in such a different spot than I was five years ago! How many of us have found our partners in that time?
Sister in law has gone back to hating me as I mentioned previously. Her wedding has been rescheduled for April 2021 and she’s demanding to know now how many night we are staying at the resort. She wants us there for a whole week. We originally said two nights because that’s what we can afford, we don’t want to use too much PTO because we are trying to have a baby, and along that vein we are also saving money for said future baby.
That was unacceptable to her and she called my husband and demanded to know why we are only staying two nights and insisted her father would pay for everything for us if cost was a problem. She then told him she thinks we are going to say we are going to the wedding and then cancel at the last minute on her – which we have zero intention to do. My husband asked her why she thought that and she said “veritek has never liked me, she hates me and we’re never going to be best friends.”
Unfortunately my husband did not take that opportunity to point out all the things I’ve done to try and repair our relationship (offering to throw a bridal shower, getting her an engagement and wedding gift for a wedding that hasn’t’ happened, apologized for upsetting her by getting engaged ::eyeroll:: and making her a cake the week of their original wedding date.) So apparently I’m the reason we aren’t friends even though I’ve been the family whipping boy since we got engaged?
Anyhow, I’m pretty much done with her and my husband can go to this wedding without me if need be. We had a chemical pregnancy last month. And this is the first time I’ve actually written that out or said it out loud. And now I’m all about self preservation and and I’m not going to risk it if we get pregnant again going to a fucking covid hot spot to spend a week with someone that has treated me so poorly since we got engaged and couldnt’ be bothered to show any sympathy to us when our wedding was ruined by the pandemic too.
The good news is, our three year dating anniversary is on Sunday and we are trying to come up with a covid safe way to celebrate. Any suggestions for a fun at home date? Fun recipes or good new movies to stream at home and pretend we are on a movie date?
One of my husbands best friends, supposed to be a groomsman before we had to have a pandemic wedding, has a father hospitalized right now with Covid. It’s truly maddening because his mom is a nurse but they took zero precautions – knew they had been exposed – and still invited my husbands friend and his 18 month old over on the fourth of July. The following Monday he was tested positive and has been hospitalized since. Our friend has been under CDC monitored quarantine and luckily has tested negative. But the fact that two educated people would expose their own son and grandson, and then send them back home to his pregnant wife blows my mind.
I see my parents maybe once a week and we visit from the driveway or I carry in their groceries if I need to help them. I haven’t had a huge from either one of them since my wedding on March 20. We wear masks. The closest I’ve been to my mom is in the pool in their neighborhood on a Sunday afternoon with my husband and we were the only three in the pool. It boggles my mind that some parents would put their own child and grandchild at risk and others actually take this seriously.
Meanwhile my SIL’s Disney fantasy wedding has been rescheduled for April of next year and I still don’t think it’s all going to be over by then. I really don’t and I don’t want to commit to going on that trip until I absolutely have to.
@Copa – sister in laws wedding is now rescheduled for April in Florida. So unless things change RAPIDLY I don’t see myself going to that. Even more so if we get pregnant. I feel nervous for all the weddings happening in mid Missouri right now anyway.
