Boyfriend works full time, doesn’t do ANY housework at all
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I’m totally down for doing 95% of the household chores btw. Just trying to get some opinions on the subject.
Well, We discussed a lot of things but some things weren’t taken into account. I never imagined asking him to take the dog out in the morning would be so problematic to him. I do him all kinds of favors when he ask with a smile on my face. But lately that hasn’t been the case. I’ve started telling him to do it himself when he wants something and I think that’s coming from resentment from him and his attitude when i ask a simple favor and I get a solid no from him.
I tried talking to him about it but our perspectives are totally different.
You need to have an actual expectations-setting conversation. If you want him to do 5%, what is that going to look like? It’s possible he’ll do better if he knows ahead of time what he needs to do, as opposed to you throwing a wrench in his morning routine, asking for a favor. Discuss it and see.
I’m in a similar situation as you in that I moved to another country to live with my boyfriend. I cannot work here because I don’t have a visa (although I still do a bit of contract consulting remotely).
My boyfriend works full time and pays the bills. He promised to support me financially while I get my online consulting business up and running. So yes, while he’s at work I do most of the cleaning, I do the laundry, etc.
If I ask my boyfriend to take the garbage out, he says “Sure, no problem, I’ll take it on my way out.” If I ask my boyfriend to sort his laundry so I know what to wash and what to hang, he does it. When I tell him that I’ve washed his socks and his underwear and hung up his clean shirts he says “Thank you so much, you do so much around the house, I know I need to be better at helping with the cleaning.”
Allllll that being said…. I can 100% guarantee you that your boyfriend is being an absolute douchebag. His attitude toward you is disgusting. He’s using the fact that he works as a way to control you and look down on you. This is NOT ok.
You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about how he treats you. It’s fine if you want to do 95% of the housework because he brings in the money, but it’s NOT fine for him to be condescending and dismissive and refuse to help you when you ask. So you’d better tell him to adjust his attitude real quick.
If things don’t get better ASAP you’d better break up with this asshole.
I think you want validation from your partner. Sometimes you have to give to get. Consider his possible perspective:
“I asked him to take out the dog so she can go pee. It was early and he was already up for work. He absolutely refused. It made me feel frustrated that I had to wake up and get out of bed when it would’ve taken him only 2 minutes to do.”When I ask my husband to do something around the house which needs to be done, I am prepared for the possibility that he may not wish to stop what he is doing to help me right away. You seemed to have made some assumptions in the moment that taking care of the dog was no imposition to routine. I can see how it would be irksome to feel ordered by someone sleeping to take care of a task which would take them nearly equal time to do (how dressed do you really have to be to take your dog out?)
“I get $500 a month, but that’s being put towards car insurance back at home, vet bills that I’m paying off, and other bills.”
Is it possible he doesn’t have the same level of natural affection you have developed for your pet? Is he taking on this pet for you? If you were to break up today, who’s dog is it really?
I don’t think he should have a rigid attitude about favors. But I wonder if you had asked him the night before and discussed why it would be helpful for you, if you would have gotten the same reaction.
If he didn’t want to disrupt his morning routine to take the dog out maybe he wasn’t willing to interrupt himself to have a long conversation about it, hence the poor attitude of “well I work”?I imagine he was able to take care of himself and his apartment before you arrived a month ago. You took a large risk moving and it is reasonable for you both to adjust to the changes.
“I do him all kinds of favors when he ask with a smile on my face. But lately that hasn’t been the case. I’ve started telling him to do it himself when he wants something and I think that’s coming from resentment from him and his attitude when i ask a simple favor and I get a solid no from him.”
This is a new time for you both. If you were previously long-distance, you are both figuring out if you are actually compatible and maybe you won’t be.
I agree that his attitude is a problem. Scorekeeping to the extent that if your partner asks you to do a small task, you refuse because you have a job is a really bad sign this early on in your cohabitation. It tends to speak to who he is as a person. Even if two people had differing ideas on what each person’s workload should be, I’d assume that most happy couples wouldn’t be so resentful to do a favor asked by their partner (especially if it’s a household task). If I were employed and my partner wasn’t, I would feel uncomfortable expecting them to act like my maid. The fact that he’s not is concerning.
But I guess I’m wondering — has he always been like this? Stingy with favors? Dismissive? Either way, there are a lot of conversations that need to happen, but particularly if this is a big change from his personality. Because they question would be why? If not, then this is a case of moving in probably not being a good idea. Regardless, I guess I’m curious about whether you guys had a conversation before you moved in or after about how chores would be divided? If not, why not? Why hasn’t the conversation happened now that you see there’s a problem? A couple who can’t have a conversation about it that results in a compromise that both people are happy with has no business living together.
@dinoceros “Even if two people had differing ideas on what each person’s workload should be, I’d assume that most happy couples wouldn’t be so resentful to do a favor asked by their partner (especially if it’s a household task).”
“I’ve started telling him to do it himself when he wants something and I think that’s coming from resentment from him and his attitude when i ask a simple favor and I get a solid no from him.”
I think she wants for there to automatically be no disagreement when she asks because she is also score keeping. She is the one doing most of the adjusting so she thinks he should adjust for her and go out of his comfort zone to demonstrate he values her. She wants reciprocation.
I don’t know what to think about his refusal to offer her a reasonable explanation but perhaps his narrative doesn’t have anything to do with how much he values or doesn’t value her contributions. I didn’t get that it means he resents her. It’s just as telling that he hasn’t made an effort to hear her out as it is that she is assuming her hard “no’s” feel as cold and stingy as his hard “no’s” come across to her.
I agree they don’t sound particularly compatible.
“I can see how it would be irksome to feel ordered by someone sleeping to take care of a task which would take them nearly equal time to do (how dressed do you really have to be to take your dog out?)”
Yeah, if I were rushing to get ready to go to work I would actually be really annoyed by someone demanding that I walk the dog so that she could continue sleeping in.
I agree with everyone else that you need to have a structured conversation about household responsibilities rather than fighting things out in the moment.
How much house work is there, really? It’s two people, you being one of them. Is it your dog that needed to be let out?
I don’t think his attitude is great, and it would be a red flag and huge turn off for me. He should be appreciative imo but so should you.
He was heading to work. Maybe his schedule is tight. A lot of people push their morning routine to the max and toe the line of getting in to work late.
But if you are home ALL day, not looking for work…you should be doing the majority of the household stuff.
You should have discussed this in detail before you moved there. How long have you known each other? If there are other signs that you aren’t compatible, it might be worth trying to cut your planned trip short.
I’m curious if you could, like, babysit or walk dogs or something? When I was first married and my husband was stationed in Italy, there weren’t any jobs for me on base, but he hooked me up with a family with 4 kids and I was like a nanny.
It definitely did not take my whole day to clean and cook and take care of the dog, I had plenty of free time on my hands. I’m not saying you should be doing more, but if you could earn a little money under the table it might be good?
Neither of you seems to appreciate what the other does. You don’t seem to appreciate what he does for the two of you any more than he appreciates what you do.
I personally wouldn’t try to interrupt someones morning schedule to try to get them to do an extra chore. It’s like saying who cares if you get to work late as long as I don’t have to get out of bed. It probably does take more than two minutes to get the dog out and back in again.
The two of you don’t seem to like each other too much and the two of you don’t talk about issues very well. It’s like you were paired up with an incompatible roommate.
