Dear Advice Givers,

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for now 2 and a half years. We were 21 and 24 when we met and are now 24 and 26 (almost 27). When we met, we were long distance for the first 5 months of our relationship, but we didn’t like it and quickly found a way to end the distance. We decided I’d move where he was until he could move where I am. I respected my part of the deal. Now the time has come for him to move, but he’s not sure anymore.

I’ll give the three places I’ll be referring to letters as to avoid confusion. When we met, I lived in city A (great city, my hometown), he had to move to city B for his PhD (great city) and he lived in city C (small city/ town very far away from everything, his hometown). Distances: 8 hour drive between A and C and B is about halfway in between.

So, we met on the internet and it clicked so much that we wanted to meet in person. We did. We started an LDR, I flew to see him 4 days a months for the first 5 months in city C until he asked me to go to his town (still city C) for the summer where I lived with him and his parents and got a job there. Two months into the summer he came up with this plan to end the distance and asked me if I wanted to do it. At first, I was like no that’s crazy, I need to be in school and you too, but I ended up agreeing because it sounded so great. He was starting his PhD in September in city B and needed to be there the first year and a half, so I’d move there for that amount of time, stopping my bachelor degree to find a job temporarily and then he’d move with me to city A until I finished school (all in all about three years). I couldn’t make it work with school, so I stayed in city A another semester after that summer while he started school in city B. We saw each other every 10 days during that semester. Finally, I did move to city B for what I thought would be a year, but the rules of his department at school changed and he needed to be there another six months, for a total of be being there 1 year and a half and him being in city B two years instead of the 1 year and a half.

Now is the time for him to move to city A with me, but he’s hesitating for lots of reasons:

Finances: His bursary package includes 15k, but only if he stays in city B and works as a TA. He only gets 8k if he doesn’t do that. I’m not saying that he is losing 7k to come to me, because he would never stay in city B to write his thesis anyway (three years), he would just move back to his parents and pocket the 8k because they would pay for everything. His parents have agreed to give him 7k if he wants to move to city B with me because that’s the amount they would spend on him if he was at home. If he moves, he’s spending 15k for rent and food. Attention now, if he’s spending so much it’s because he has enormously high standards of living. We could live in a place where it would cost 600 all included each, but he wants a wonderful place that will cost him more like 1200 a month. He doesn’t want to budge on that. So, he’s saying “it’s a lot of money I could keep for the future, it’s a lot to think about” to which I respond “you knew how much it would cost all along and you still asked me to do all of this with you” and to which he then answers “yes, but I didn’t realize how much it all was until now”.

Parents and hometown: He LOVES his hometown. I honestly hate it. There’s noting to do there, it’s far, it’s colder than where I am and it’s ugly (it ressembles the moon, and I come from a nice city with beautiful grass and trees everywhere). He ADORES being there, he’s enormously happy there. He also has an very close relationship with his parents and misses them a lot when he’s away from them. I didn’t know about the deepness of these feelings when he came up with “the plan”. When he came up with it, he was all like “it’ll be so fun living together and then moving to your city, it’s such an amazing city, etc”. I never saw this attachement to his hometown and parents coming. It all became clear much later. So, now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he can be away from his parents and his town because he’ll miss them too much, that’s he feels so grounded and happy there.

Uncertainty about our relationship and lease: what if we break up soon, he’s stuck with a signed lease and is on the hook for thousands of dollars? He’s saying let’s find a place for three months, but I find that’s not enough time to really give it a shot and also not only there’s very little places that you can rent for that amount of time, but I kill myself to find one and he doesn’t like any of them or the ones he likes are way too expensive.

More uncertainty: He’s saying even if he gets over his apprehensions and signs a 6 month lease, what if last minute he can’t do it and decides not to? He’s worried that could happen and he’d break my heart, but he doesn’t want to break my heart.

I feel like we’re running in circles. What’s keeping us together is our enormous love for each other, but it feels like we have nothing else right now. Right now he’s in city A with me (got here yesterday because it was my birthday), but we don’t know what we’re doing or where we’re going next and are at my grandparents for a few days.

I don’t want to go back to long-distance because that means I’d have to get my own place and it wouldn’t be good enough for him so he’d want to rent like an AirBnb when he comes visit, plus airfare and that’s all very expensive and complicated too, plus the fact that we’d spend a lot of time apart after having lived together for a year and a half.

I spend my time crying because I feel like we’re over already, but neither of us wants to break up either because we’re best friends and want to be together.