Doomed? I moved for him, now he's supposed to move for me but really hesitates
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Kate:
I know that logically it’s not, but somehow it feels like I’m not good enough for him to love me enough to move.
Do you honestly want to be with someone who makes you feel like you’re not good enough? I know it’s frustrating when it seems like it’s “just this one thing” and if only the logistics and both of your situations were different, but it’s a MAJOR thing. And not only logistic-wise but commitment-wise. He doesn’t want to commit to you the way that the move would require. It doesn’t matter if he’s just scared or not, he clearly just isn’t going to do it and is backtracking. Time for you to move on, finish your degree and find someone who’s willing to commit to you and be in it together instead of just having it all done his way and within his comfort zone.
“That just hurts SO much, because I did it and now he’s not willing to keep his promise. I can’t describe how much it hurts.”
All I can tell you is, that five years from now you will be grateful that he didn’t keep him “promise.” He’s realized that he’s not going to be going to be happy with what comes next even if he loves you. You are better off with him figuring that out now rather than moving out of obligation because you moved for him and dragging out a fundamentally incompatible relationship.
People make all sorts of promises early on when they’re in the flush of early love. It’s an irresponsible thing to do but it’s the height of dumbassery to stick to those poorly thought out promises out of a sense of obligation.
And oh yeah, even your appartment would not be good enough for him, wtf? That’s just an excuse. No-one who’s in love with you or who wants to be with you would refuse to visit your own appartment (if it’s at least kept in proper condition). He wants out but is just scared to be alone, scared to hurt you and maybe just scared in general. You deserve better.
I’m sorry but everyone else is right. I know it hurts, but better you face the ending now, before you’re trapped in his small town that you dislike with no car, no degree, and no way out.
His whole “what if I just can’t go through with it” is actually him telling you “I am never going through with this but I’m too chickenshit to actually say that.” He’s probably doing it because he doesn’t want to hurt you which is fine, but the fact is that he is already hurting you. And he is going to continue hurting you until one of you gets the courage to state the obvious.
And as for what to do afterwards? You move, you go to school, you date other people, and you do not contact each other for a set amount of time – at least 6 months, say. You may find you’re happier without him than you are imagining.
I’m sorry. It sucks. And he sucks for not holding up his end of the deal. And for refusing to be an adult and basically forcing you to be the one who ends things. You sound like you’re smart, hardworking, and giving. You’ll be fine, I promise.
Sorry, but I’m not convinced that he actually does love you. He doesn’t act like he does. He likes having you around, but only if it is totally on his terms. I think he conned you into moving to his town and never actually intended to move to his. In general, it’s a very bad idea to drop out of college to work part-time to be with a guy, especially in A place you don’t even like. Were you supporting the two of you or what? Why couldn’t you take courses in his town? He sounds like a selfish ass, actually. I don’t doubt that you are deeply in love with this guy, but your letter gives no evidence at all that he loves you. A guy doesn’t talk or think about ‘what if we break up in 2 months>’ with a woman he knows loves him if he actually loves her. He’s telling you that he doesn’t love you, or loves you so shallowly that he is unwilling to make a single sacrifice for that love. He’s an ass, because he asked you to make a huge sacrifice and then didn’t reciprocate. Go home and finish your degree. Don’t fuck up your life any more for a romance which clearly isn’t going to go the distance. You know he’s not invested in you. Don’t fantasize that this is his great romance. It isn’t. He’ll happily move on if he doesn’t get his way 100%. Some time down the road, he’ll meet a woman he thinks is worth sacrificing for and then he’ll be gone, regardless of how much you sacrifice to salvage this doomed relationship. It can’t work if only you are invested in the relationship. Don’t be just his convenience.
Ron said everything I’m thinking. You have made all the sacrifices here and he is putting up a lot of roadblocks to make any for you. He may be great as long as he’s getting exactly what he wants. That last part is the takeaway here. He can walk away at any time. So can you, but that you don’t trust him to be a partner. That says a metric ton (metric because you’re Canadian).
Time to MOA. It will hurt but you will move on
I’m sorry this hurts, but it’s true he’s just not that into you. I moved to a new city to pursue a man who didn’t really want to do long distance. Because I knew I loved him and wouldn’t be happy without him. We weren’t even in a relationship! There was no guarantee he’d even date me once there. (I did have a job in place, and nothing tying me to where I was living, though.)
Yes, I will say that’s not an advisable move, and I’d probably never tell someone to do that, but people move heaven and earth to be with the people they love. That’s the whole point of living, right? They’d even sleep in your perfectly reasonable loving accommodations. He’d turn away $7,000, $8,000 or even $15,000. He doesn’t love you. I’m sorry.
What Ron & everyone else said. You’re fine to have around as long as it’s on his terms. He doesn’t love you, do not waste more of your youth on this guy.
Ps. I am sorry but truly, a man who loves you will show you. This guy is showing you ‘meh’. Rip off the bandaid and block/no contact for at least six months to a year. You sound like a smart young woman, you can do better than a guy who would allow you to *derail your education* (seriously wtf) and then whine about moving to the city you planned on.
He isn’t a man of his word. It isn’t that you aren’t good enough. It’s that he prioritizes himself over you, over the promises he made to you and over any slight inconvenience to himself…no matter the benefit to you.
Also. Never interrupt your goals and your future for a boyfriend. If he’s worth having he will support you in furthering your future. Husbands and wives make sacrifices because they are working towards the same goal. Clearly the goal your boyfriend told you about when he came up with the plans is not the one he had in mind.
