Doomed? I moved for him, now he's supposed to move for me but really hesitates
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Since this is your first long-term relationship, you don’t know what it’s like to be with a guy who truly loves you. I can tell you, it doesn’t look like the relationship you’re in now.
Not every relationship lasts forever. Not every one is supposed to. Most don’t. And it’s not your fault, or his fault. It’s just that you have different goals and priorities. You’re not on the same page with how or where you want to live your lives.
That does NOT mean you’re not good enough. It means you and he aren’t a good match. That’s all.
Thank you Ron for saying what I was thinking. LW, this man let you GIVE UP YOUR EDUCATION for his convenience, and now can’t be bothered to hold us his end of the bargain because he couldn’t afford to live in a nice enough place if he did. That’s a special brand of selfish douchebaggery, messing with your livelihood like that. I mean, just that alone is a full stop MOA situation. Add on that your long term goals don’t align in terms of where you want to live, and it’s even more of an MOA.
LW, I agree with everyone else that it is time to move on. Even though you both love each other, you want different things. It is as if one of you wanted children and the other didn’t: you might love each other very much and get along great but you are not right for each other long term. You don’t say anything about what you planned to do after you graduated if he did move with you while you finished school. That long term issue seems more important than whether he will keep his promise and move with you while you go to school or not. (Although he pretty clearly does not want to go, and it seems like a bad idea to force him. I really don’t get the people saying he’s a shit for not keeping his promise; is he supposed to keep his promise even though he would be miserable and no doubt make her miserable, as in “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”) Presumably, he will want to move close to his family in city C, and you won’t, and you will have the same issue but have invested three more years in the relationship. Surely it’s better to decide the issue now rather than kick it down the road three years.
On a totally different topic, since you said you were Canadian (there would be no chance of guessing in the US – too many options) I’ve been trying to deduce the cities involved: two large cities, A and B, and a smaller city C (but still large enough to have a university, just one without a large selection of programs) that has a colder climate, with A and C eight hours drive apart and at least A and C in different provinces. My best guess is A – Montreal, B – Toronto, and C – Sudbury. Toronto isn’t really directly between the others but you might well choose to travel via Toronto because more of the trip would be on freeways. Other possibilities include:
A-Quebec City; B-either Montreal or Ottawa; C-North Bay
Eastern options: A-Halifax; B-Fredericton; C-Edmundston or
A-Fredericton; B-Halifax; C-Sydney (distances are a little short and not sure if the C cities have significantly worse weather)
There isn’t really a good western option: A- Winnipeg; B-Regina and C-Saskatoon has the right distances but Saskatoon isn’t significantly smaller than Regina and it isn’t really colder than the others. (They are all bloody cold.)Bacc, I think people are saying he’s a jerk because they planned this together with her making a huge sacrifice, and now one of the main reasons it seems he won’t move with her is that he won’t be able to afford a place as nice as he wants. That’s not a huge sacrifice. She gave up the city she wanted to live in, plus she delayed her education and therefore her entire life to live with him where he wanted. He needed to realize at that time that he would definitely have to keep his end of the deal. You can’t ask someone to do that much, and then refuse to make a lesser sacrifice in return. Even now, if it were him writing in, I’d tell him to suck it up if he loves her (and if he doesn’t, he was a pure asshole to convince someone to give that much up when he doesn’t even love them). It’s only a year and a half, he’ll survive. She did that for him, he can’t do it for her? Yeah, that’s a jerk move.
Is it only a year and a half, though? She hates the city where his family lives, and where it seems he would like to live. That’s why I said the long term plans are more important. I agree that the reasons that he puts forward for not moving are lame: He clearly doesn’t want to go and is throwing up every roadblock and excuse that he can think of. I do rather blame him for not having the guts to sit her down and break up with her or at least tell her that he’s not going to go and let her decide whether to break up, but I don’t think he’s a jerk for not wanting to uproot his life and move to another city (even though he is coming to know his mind on that belatedly) I am assuming here that this is something he has only recently realized and that at the time they discussed it, he genuinely intended to do it. If he never planned to go and was out-and-out lying to her, then, yes, he is a jerk. In fact, that is too mild a word – he is downright evil. However, surely it is more likely that he intended to go, but now that it gets closer realizes he can’t do it.
Suppose he was writing in and saying, “I feel horrible. A year and a half ago I told my girlfriend that if she came and lived with me while I did my coursework, I would move to her city while she finished her degree. Now that the time is closer, I realize I don’t want to move, even to be with her. Furthermore, even though we love each other very much, I don’t see that we can be together long term because we want to live in different places.” Would your advice really be: “Too bad, asshole, suck it up and put in your year and a half like a man. You can break up with her after you’ve evened things up”? Yes, it sucks for her, but surely in the long run she’ll be better off than if he reluctantly came with her.
Isn’t the same as if two people get married planning to have children, and a couple of years in one of them changes their mind and decides that they really don’t want to have children. That really sucks for the person who still wants to have kids, but that doesn’t make the person that changed their mind an asshole
It definitely makes them an asshole if they don’t have the basic decency to say they changed their mind though. If this guy were leveling with the LW he’d still be an asshole for letting her put her education on hold but not nearly the one he’s being now.
He’s a jerk because he made a deal and had her make an extreme sacrifice for his convenience, when he had no intention of keeping his side of the bargain. It seems very clear that he entered this agreement expecting to be able to change her mind/beat her down into ignoring his end of the deal and agreeing to stay in his hometown for the sake of the future of this really-almost-emotionally abusive relationship. He is a shit who thinks he can always have 100% his own way by steam-rolling/sweet-talking his supposed SO. That’s not love, that’s manipulatively taking advantage. Love is not always enough. Sometimes both parties can be deeply in love and come to the realization that it just can’t work — they are incompatible. That’s not the case here. She’s deeply in love, he’s at most almost/sort-of in love.
I guess it’s possible that he was naive and didn’t realize that when you come up with a plan that requires another person to make a massive sacrifice, that you better be 100% sure you’re going to hold up your end. Plus, I just don’t buy it that he’ll be too miserable away from his family. He certainly seemed fine with it when it was to his own benefit. But when it’s for someone else’s, someone who sacrificed on HIS suggestion, then he just can’t handle it. And yes it’s only for a year and a half, maybe even only a year. She said the arrangement covered 3 years total, with 1.5 of those being in his city, which would leave 1.5 in her city. But that was the original plan, and what actually ended up happening was she spent an extra semester apart in her city, so presumably she only has a year left. He can’t suck it up for a year??? Come on.
It’s a valid point about them not wanting to live in the same place in the future, but they haven’t even actually discussed that. Won’t it make a difference where he gets job offers? If he’s in Sudbury or similar then it’s highly unlikely he’s getting a PhD job there, unless he’s a mining engineer or something. He’s obviously decided he doesn’t want to break up with her, or else he’d be doing that. It seems like he’s just going to do what he wants, and hope she’ll follow him. She’s already done it twice, he probably figures he can get her to do it again, and then he’ll get everything he wants.
Everything has been said already and I think you have great advice here. I just want to say that this dude sounds like he is way too comfortable now and won’t get out of his comfort zone soon. And fuck that. He has his parents around, has you around, everything is close and near FOR HIM. Everything is easy for him. And what about you? He doesn’t care about what you want, as long as he is comfortable. Comfort sucks and you need to get out of there. This doesn’t mean that you’re not enough. It means that his comfort right now is way more important. I am bored just imagining him. Get out now that you can. This is never going to change. Take over your life. Like EES, you gave up your education for a dude that won’t even leave his town temporarily for you. I know it sucks, but you need to take control of your like right now, move and resume your education.
I didn’t read all of the responses so sorry if it’s all repeats, but this guy doesn’t really care that much for you. He puts himself so far above you that it’s sad that you want to stay with him. He asked you to put your future, and education on hold for him, and in the end that wasn’t even good enough, because he is so much of a mama’s boy that he would rather move home to be with his parents instead of moving in with the girl he so called loves, so she can start her future that she put off for him to start his. So really he’s selfish, and likes his parent’s more than you is what it boils down to. Not even getting into his excuses about his lavish lifestyle he needs to live in to be with you.
A couple of things here. (Also, I haven’t read all of the comments, so what I’m saying may not be as relevant anymore). It sounds like you’re trying to get at whether his hesitancy is more about his feelings for you rather than the practicalities. I don’t think that’s the main issue here. Though I will say that practicalities matter more to someone who could take or leave a relationship than someone who really wants it.
The issue here is that your plans and needs for your lives don’t seem to sync up. The amount of money he sounds like he’s giving up is substantial, and yes, we can say that if he really loved you, he wouldn’t care. But we could also just say that he’s trying to be logical and not disadvantaging himself and his future for a romantic relationship. You, however, chose to do that. You could argue that you’re more committed, but you could argue that you also were sort of naive and have misplaced priorities. I think that at your age, you shouldn’t so easily toss away education or financial stability and other opportunities for a relationship. Maybe he feels that way too. Maybe he’s just not into the relationship.
Either way, you two want and need different things. He’s not as self-sacrificial as you are, whether that’s related to your relationship, him as a person, or what, but I think you need to move on and actually put your future first for a bit before you get too behind in your career, etc.
LW, unfortunately, love and $1.25 will get you a cup of coffee. You are correct in pointing out to him that he knew what was involved right from the beginning. His excuses now really don’t cut it: really all they boil down to is, “well, that was when YOU were making all the sacrifices. Now that *I* have to hold up my end of the deal, it doesn’t look so appealing for me, and I’m not feeling it.” He wants what he wants, and he’s not going to make any sacrifice for you. Honestly, I know you care about him, but your affection needs to congeal into a realization that it’s all about him, and it’s always going to be all about him. He wouldn’t walk across the street for you if it cost him any effort, and he has shown you this over and over. You deserve better – which means it’s past time to move on. Please don’t focus so much on how good it feels when everything is going his way – I’m sure you get along great. But that’s only when he’s getting all he wants. It will never be “your turn”. And he won’t realize what he’s sacrificed and come after you. He will just call and whine and try to twist your emotions to give him what HE wants. Yes, it will hurt to leave. But it will destroy every part of your life if you stay.
Even now, you are making excuses for him, and analyzing why he is the way he is. None of this matters. The bottom line is all that matters, and the bottom line is that he was fine telling you what you wanted to hear as long as it got him everything he wanted. But he won’t change a thing if it doesn’t serve his preference. That should chill you enough, or scare you enough, to realize that you need to take care of yourself. And that this first relationship is not as good as the one you deserve.
