Found felony record… not sure if I should say something
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To answer your question, no. There is no way to innocuously pass this information along. It truly falls under not your business. If your husband found this information then so too could she if she was inclined to look. That said, if you ever suspect abuse then you absolutely can say you are worried about her and have a more expansive conversation at that time but barring that, you are intruding into her private life unasked. You have no idea what she knows or doesn’t know. All you can do is find alternative child care given this person is in her life.
Personally I’m on the same page with the OP. Bottom line is what is the most beneficial for their family.
It’s not beneficial to have sitters that you don’t do your best to check.
It’s also not beneficial to ask to check and then make the somewhat important relationship (guessing there’s not a bunch of choices for hitting coaches for their kid in rural America) awkward by not needing sitting from her after the check.
OP and her husband are doing great for their kid(s) and that’s where their primary responsibility lies.That is how I like to find sitters too; People I already trust with my kids and I’ve “known” for a while. You ask if they are interested in sitting for money. You probably aren’t the first to ask and they can certainly decline. Pretty surprised anyone thinks this is weird or insulting to MB. I don’t assume they’ll say yes. You don’t beg them or pressure them to make them feel obligated to do you a “favour” as someone said. It’s not a favour if you’re being paid and adults should know how to decline job offers when they aren’t interested. Since she presumed BF would be around and maybe drive that’s not weird to me either, since it’s public info. They didn’t spy on anyone.
OP I don’t think it’s that weird to carefully send an anon note so that you can stop wondering/ worrying. Yes she may well have a negative emotional reaction to seeing the letter and wondering who sent it and why they looked into him, but come on, it likely won’t be one of the harder moments of her life. Maybe she’ll learn about his past for the first time or realize for the first time that people can find the info online, or realize for the first time that yeah there are people who do search this info for whatever reasons. All good things to know and mull over before marrying him or getting pregnant. If she finds this so embarrassing, all the better to experience those emotions now.
There is nothing wrong with checking the backgrounds of people you want to take care of your children. And no you don’t ask the prospective babysitters first if they are available and then say we are not interested later if they are found sketchy. That is more insulting. I support becboo 100%.
But it is definitely intrusive to pass on the BF background check info to the coach. It is upto her who she wants to date (even if they happen to be criminals). That is her prerogative.
This got way out of control, and there is so much reaching on this one it’s kind of crazy. It’s not an invasion of privacy to get public information on somebody, and no she didn’t have to wait to ask this women to babysit before she did any searches on her. Why the would somebody ask first, and find out the information after, then you have to give them a reason why you don’t want them to babysit. If this guy didn’t want the information out there, all he had to do was not beat the women he was in a relationship with. To think that people are mad at somebody for finding out this information on a guy that I assume would also be around her kids while she is watching them is nuts. It really seems like people are making reasons up to be mad at becboo. Don’t know why could just be the whole internet persona thing, where people say what they want for a reaction. Good knows I definitely do it on here sometimes(maybe a lot).
Omg. “Snooping”? Public information is by definition not private! Is it fair that court records are sometimes public? Debatable. But they are. So if you don’t want your neighbors, friends, and acquaintances to potentially know that you assault your girlfriends, maybe don’t assault your girlfriends.
I find it highly unlikely that a lot of the people commenting about the invasiveness of this have never Googled another person. I don’t think it’s weird that I Google my dates (I assume at least some have Googled me), but I don’t broadcast it.
I said at the beginning I didn’t think they did anything wrong by looking into public records, but I do think a babysitter might potentially feel weird if they were to bring it up with her.
Public records are meant to be accessible to the public. LW has every right to search those records to ensure her children are safe with a new caregiver. That’s not the point.
If LW is legitimately concerned for the coach’s safety because she found this information on her boyfriend, then she should speak privately with the coach to share those concerns. But sending an anonymous letter to avoid having a difficult conversation and feeling uncomfortable is a cowardly and immature way to solve her discomfort.
@Copa- this was typed out before I saw your comment wasn’t directed at me.
I’ve hired a lot of babysitters through the years (they graduate) but it has never occurred to me to ask about their boyfriend and google him. I would bet they (Becaboo84 and husband) haven’t done it before, but I have a better understanding now, how it all came about. This is not a typical babysitting job.
The only reason I brought up “snooping” is because there seemed to be a lot of information uncovered. That made it seem like it might have had more to do with curiosity than necessity and it seemed like that curiosity might have ended up putting Becboo84 in a very tough position.
Upon getting further details that this really was just a record search, my opinion has changed.
I don’t think this is information that has to be acted on, immediately. This should be considered a separate issue from what they will end up doing to find suitable childcare a month from now.
Because the boyfriend has worked at the gym with the letter writer’s kids, I don’t think it is unreasonable to speak with someone in charge about concerns they might have about their hiring process. I even think if they continue to get to know this coach, there may be an opportunity to broach the topic in the future.
I think people who work in childcare deserve to have a private life. I think in this time of ubiquitous recording, people who work with kids deserve to have some personal boundaries around their private time in which they aren’t expected to explain their off time to nosy parents. Maybe that isn’t very realistic but I still think it’s a respectful gesture towards babysitters, in general. But perhaps it had less to do with this question than I may have assumed in some of my prior responses.
I agree that an anonymous letter isn’t a good idea. I think most people who have chimed in agree that it’s not her place to say anything.
What I don’t understand about this thread is the pile on about how @Becboo84 is invading someone else’s privacy (by definition, she’s not) and dissecting the choice to potentially ask MB to babysit in the first place (who cares if *you* wouldn’t feel comfortable asking that person?).
Also, I wouldn’t take the information to the gym. There’s too much we don’t know (like if he’s turned things around, gotten or is getting help for his issues, etc.) and I imagine the gym has already done a background check and decided he was the right candidate notwithstanding.
My thing was, how do you even know she babysits/ has put herself out there as a babysitter, but I think the LW clarified later that she had known her to sit for other kids in the past. If someone hasn’t put herself out there to perform services, I don’t like the idea of looking into their records. Like I said before, I’ve occasionally googled someone’s name to see what comes up, but never looked into anyone’s records like traffic, arrests, deeds, marriages, etc.
It does feel kind of invasive. But I get the reasoning about checking records first before finding out if she’s available for those dates.@Copa In the initial letter the LW said her husband was sleuthing her out and said that he previously work in background checks. Which I took as he was looking into services that are not just google, social medial and the public records. That was going too far for someone that you don’t know if they would even want to watch your kids.
