Hello all from Robert
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“ but once I dated her enough to get to know her enough to start to feel the deeper feelings I need to feel in order to feel the “lust” feelings, she lost interest and pulled back. Hence my frustration that has repeated itself dozens of times in my 20s. Wash, rinse, repeat.”
Sounds like a personal problem.
Robert, not to be all “armchair psychiatrist” here, but a lot of what you say sounds like you’re at the intersection of being on the autism spectrum and being demisexual. The former because of your inability to read (and just plain unawareness of) common interpersonal cues, the latter because of your love/lust description where you don’t seem to feel any physical desire toward someone until after you have a deeper emotional bond.
But, this isn’t the end, people on the spectrum (and demisexuals) do date successfully! I just think maybe you need the help of a therapist that is specifically versed in helping people on the spectrum to assist you in building the mechanisms to recognize and cope with the social cues that you miss.
Part of me wants to say that some of these women lost interest after nothing happened beyond hand-holding for a month, but the other part of me says it may have just been a “friend date” and they backed off when they started to feel like you were wanting more. It’s hard to tell from just your description, so I’m hesitant to tell you how to address it.
I think an experienced professional will be able to help you much more than a bunch of us on the internet can. It may also help to explore if there are any ace/demisexual meetups/dating options in your area.
I mean maybe they backed off when they realized you don’t go deeper than haunted houses and Christmas lights, and that you’re angry.
The demisexual thing makes sense. But instead of acknowledging that there’s something very different about YOU, and that you need to get help in order to adapt to how human beings and dating actually work, you just continue to express frustration and anger toward women. Obviously that’s easier, but it won’t get you anywhere, as evidenced by 20 years with no relationships.
I cannot imagine waiting a month or 10 dates for a kiss. Most women would conclude you are not attracted/interested in them, or see them just as a friend.
There is an arrogance in your statement about dating a woman that was a little overweight, not conventionally pretty, but not “bad looking”. You may intend this to mean that you look beyond the surface for a connection. However to me it sounds like you are “gifting this lucky woman with your attention, and really she should be grateful”. Plus if she did not happen to love Halloween and Christmas shows ( an uncommon/rare interest to find in someone ),she had nothing else to offer.
Yes therapy to sort this all out.LOL at the idea that after 10 dates – or even 2-3 months – you are “deeply in love” and “really knowing each other on a deep, emotional, spiritual level”. If you are feeling that way a couple of months in, then that’s still just what you call “lust”. Sure, people can form deep connections quickly – even within a few weeks or months – but really KNOWING someone takes YEARS. This is why so many relationships end around the 2-year mark, because that’s when you get past the surface-level stuff and the real cracks start to show. Actual incompatibilities in values can’t be papered over by shared interests, which we’ve explained ad nauseam – and that’s apparently why you ended your one relationship, because you didn’t feel your ex-girlfriend was ambitious enough to be compatible with you.
Therapy therapy therapy. You need to learn how to make and keep FRIENDS, Robert, not just girlfriends.
From what was written, I’m not sure you and Haunted House Woman were even on a date. Otherwise I’d have to believe that she immediately dumped her boyfriend because she met someone more into haunted houses than he was.
Eh… I’ve never even heard of demisexual. How have I ever lived this long without such knowledge? That said… eh…
NEWSFLASH: Robert needs to just buy a plant to talk to. Seriously. Most likely a plastic one.
PS — The idea that liking BOTH Haunted Houses and (gasp!) Christmas Lights somehow symbolizes a deep and meaningful emotional connection has definitely given me the best laugh I’ve had in months.
Copa, I think it was that she was there with one of her friends (a woman) “and her boyfriend” (meaning the friend’s boyfriend), not that she was there with a boyfriend herself.
Oh, that would make way more sense. I thought his emphasis of “her” meant that this woman was there with her boyfriend but Robert was so irresistible to her on account of his passion for haunted houses/holiday light shows that she had no choice but to dump her boyfriend on the spot. But yes, I probably did not read/interpret that correctly.
Robert’s thesis statement for the last two years is basically “Women are shit for having their own wants, needs, concerns, and expectations regarding the dating and relationship process that are different than mine and I refuse to change my behavior at all to accomodate or attract them.”
“Women make me angry!”
But then what’s interesting is he never gets angry at US for the shit we say. He’s a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
