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You know the relationship isn’t like that…eh,
than why in the world are you:
questioning him, suspicious of him, making him feel guilty and then asking to look through his phone?Please go see a therapist. You clearly have a lot of issues with trust.
I really would look into that ASAP. He is going to start feeling resentful (if he hasn’t already) that he’s being treated this way.
I totally understand what you are saying, definitely need to deal with my insecurities sooner rather than later
Not everyone is comfortable dealing with a partner’s ex. And that’s OK. It’s OK to realize that the situation’s just not for you. Because this woman is going to be part of your partner’s life in a big way for the rest of his life. I actually see more of my partner’s ex now that his kids are adults, because the kids invite them both (and me) to various family events. She lives with one of the kids, so my partner sees her fairly often. They text occasionally, I have no idea how often, and I don’t care.
Could my boyfriend go back to his ex? I think it’s extremely unlikely, but anything’s possible. Is there anything I could about it? Nope.
While you’re learning to deal with your insecurity, think about this. Any boyfriend, partner, even husband, can leave you. They can fall back in love with an ex, they can fall in love with a coworker, or a woman they saw at Burger King one day. Relationships often end, and all of the phone-monitoring and policing who he talks to won’t prevent it if it’s going to happen.
The trick is to realize that you’ll be sad if it does end, but you’ll be OK. And not spoil your enjoyment of what you have now with obsessive fear of it ending. Or worse, break the relationship yourself because of your insecurity.
@Essie thank you that’s a really good way to look at it I’ve never really thought of it like that before.
I am a lot better than I used to be but I still get these thoughts every so often so it helps having someone who doesn’t know me personally to tell me exactly how it is and that you’ve been in that position too.
I appreciate the advice thank youI do think you need to work on your insecurities, but I also think it’s okay to acknowledge that you are maybe not going to be a good fit for someone who is a parent. That for you, having an ex forever in the periphery is just not something you’re okay with/ever going to be totally comfortable with.
That this is a personality trait of yours doesn’t give you permission to police his every interaction with his ex or try to push her out of the picture, it means your current boyfriend is a bad fit for you and you should go find someone without the package deal of child + ever present ex.
Its not reasonable to think they will never interact. Like, that you think they will both be at shared events like graduations or weddings, that’s still not reasonable. Can you really imagine two parents would come to their kid’s graduation and not talk to one another? Not say “Hey! About this great kid we raised?”. To not take pictures together? To not interact at all?
That would be weird. And it would be weird for the child. If imaging that makes you uncomfortable, this isn’t the right relationship for you, because that’s how it should be, in the best interest of the kid.
And at the end of the day, the kid should be coming first here. Today, and into the future as she grows older.
And if you’re not okay with that (Which hey! Plenty of people aren’t. If I were single, I don’t think I’d want to date a parent for this very reason), this guy isn’t the right guy for you.
Completely understand what you are saying. And rather than give up what I have with my partner, I’d like to think I can overcome this jealous feeling that I have and accept the reality of the situation. Think I might find a good counsellor and see if that helps.
Thank you for your kind adviceIgnore the people that are rude to you. They’re trying to make you feel like your feelings mean nothing. You can’t control how you feel. And your feelings will always be valid. I’m sorry that he got upset with you. I hope that after seeing the messages that you’ll feel better from now on.
It’s one thing to have a thought or feeling, and another to act on it. You have no reason not to trust him, and instead of acknowledging that and dismissing your irrational thoughts, you’re demanding to see every text and have access to his phone.
You might not be able to control how you feel, but you can control how you act on those feelings. If you’re in a relationship where you don’t trust the other person, you should reflect on why you’re dating someone you don’t trust. Is it that he’s not worthy of your trust? Or is it that you have your own personal insecurities that are holding you back from trust?
It’s not normal and not okay to demand someone make concessions because of your insecurity or jealousy.
Agree. Also wouldn’t take any advice from Nicole based on her sudden replies to everything. No one said you can’t feel something, you can feel whatever, but you can’t always react. I feel like telling people they are idiots sometimes, but I don’t, because, you know, maturity.
