Is he the uncle or father? Please help…advice needed.
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Oracle- I still haven’t met my own granddaughter because I don’t think I will be able to face her. When I lost my son, I lost a huge part of my heart. It’s very hard to process that he left behind a daughter. This little girl was basically withheld from us because the mother claims she had no way of contacting us before now. I still hold resentment toward her because of this. It’s very hard to process all of this, especially with my living son confessing that he might be the father. I’m an emotional wreck over this.
You need to see a grief therapist.
STAT. Call or look up providers and low cost options here:Whatever happened with your son is horrible and sad, I’m sure. It is not this woman’s fault that your son never contacted you about his child. It’s not her fault you didn’t know and she didn’t contact you. You don’t know what her life is like. The past is done. You need to let this resentment go and believe what she tells you about this child is true.
It pains my heart to hear you admit you haven’t even met her because you can’t face her. That’s very sad and tragic. You need to find help now before you lose the last living tie to your son that you have.
Imagine trying to explain to this girl when she’s older why you didn’t ever want to meet her. That’s not okay. You are in grief, I know what that’s like, and I can imagine how hard it is. But you need to pull yourself up enough to be a part of this girl’s life while you have the chance instead of whatever resentment and other emotions you are holding onto. This isn’t about her mother.
Yes, I do need help. I can’t even look at pictures of her. My son tried to show me a recent picture of her and I broke down crying. The tragic thing is the fact that my deceased son never knew that he had a child. The mother decided that she would hide this from my son. I’ve spoken on the phone with her and she apologized, but I still can’t help but hold resentment. If only she would have reached out to my son when he was alive….he would more than likely be here right now. I find it hard to believe that she had no way of contacting me. It’s just an excuse. I want to curse the mother out, but I’m aware that it would only complicate things.
You need to stop blaming her for whatever happened with your son. It’s not her fault. A child is not a parachute.
You ar lashing out at her, but it will come back to hurt you. She’s the mother of your grandchild.
Stop insisting on a paternity test. Get yourself some help.
I wrote a response earlier, but it disappeared when I edited it. LW, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a child, and on top of that to have another child with such a troubled life. And I’m sorry if what I’m about to say sounds hurtful, I don’t intend it to be.
I have the feeling that the only one who really wants this paternity test is you. If your son was as obsessed about it as you say, he’d be hiring a lawyer, going to court, moving heaven and earth to get that test. I’m wondering if he’s simply saying that he wants the test because he’s worried about you, knows it’s what you want to hear, and says it to soothe you.
There’s magical thinking all over your posts. If the mother had only told your son about the baby, he wouldn’t have died. If your other son could only be declared the father, he’d straighten his life out. If your living son is the father, your grief will be eased. This is really, really common thinking when people grieve. It’s a form of self-soothing.
This crusade you’re on to get your living son declared the father needs to end. It’s not your place to press for this, and it’s not the mother’s job to fix your son’s life or manage your grief. And it won’t help the way you think it will. No matter how the test turns out, one of your sons will still have growing up to do, and the other son will still be gone. And if continue down the road you’re on, your granddaughter and her mother will disappear from your life.
The answer here is to stop looking for a magical solution, and work on learning to live with your grief. Find a grief counselor. Join a support group for parents who’ve lost a child.
I hope you can find peace.
It’s really easy to look for someone or something to blame when you lose someone, and I can imagine the rage and sadness over your own child, but she is not and can’t be the object of your anger. You will lose your granddaughter, too.
I think LW assumes more closeness between her sons and the mother of her grandchild than ever existed. Just consider 2 rather incredible facts: 1) this young woman had (apparently unprotected) sex with both of her sons during the same month and 2) she disliked the sons so much and so much didn’t want them in her or her daughter’s life that she neither told them she was pregnant, nor told them she had given birth to the child of one of them, supporting the child totally on her own as a single parent, until presumably it became too much for her financially. It is not totally unusual for a woman not to tell a guy that he has fathered her child, but unless she is already married or has a bf willing to treat the child as his, there needs to be something especially unsavory about the biological father for the woman to forego any attempt at present or future child support by keeping the child a secret. This certainly wasn’t a love match with either son or she wouldn’t have had sex with the second son. I can only conclude that she knew what she was doing and had good reason to keep both sons away for as long as she was able.
Third extremely strange thing about this whole story: if LW has never seen her granddaughter in person and couldn’t even bring herself to look at a photo of her, which son #2 tried to show her, how can she actually know that child looks so much more like son #2 than son #1? I think it is a case of ‘seeing’ what you want to see.
I agree that it is totally magical thinking to assume that just knowing that you had knocked up some seemingly almost random woman in a hookup could possibly be enough to turn around a guy’s life and save his life.
It appears that your son committed suicide. This is to a mother who has lost a child from another mother who has lost a child. You need to cut this out. You do not know what demons your son had. Would it have helped if your son knew that maybe/maybe not he was going to be a father or his brother was going to be the father – I really do not think so. It probably would have made things worse. Just like it really would not have mattered if I had cooked more home cooked meals for my 3 year then he would not have developed cancer. You lost an adult child. Try and be grateful for the time you had. Grief in losing a child is different for everyone. Was the child stillborn, murdered, or had aids, it all makes it different. There are even some people that it does not seem to matter much. It is going to hurt for the rest of you life but it will get better. No parent should lose a child. You now have a choice to make. After my child died one of the mothers of one of my aids patients came from out of state to throw me a party on Mothers Day. They did not want me to have be alone on Mothers Day just with my one year old (my mother and now ex are real pieces of work). Now you can be like that mother or you can just think of yourself and what you want. Your choice. The mother of your granddaughter has no legal or moral obligation to have you or your family around this child. She has reasons to keep you away. Your late son is more than likely the father. And it is better that he is. I hope you have sent some baby gifts and or gift cards to her. Think of things that you can do for this grandchild and her mother that would be nice and make their lives better. She is being charitable, more than I would be. But you keep this up and she will not be. Find a group of other parents who have lost children. It will help you to talk with them.
Ron- I did see pictures of my granddaughter. The mother contacted me on Facebook and sent several pictures. I automatically knew that she had to be my granddaughter especially since she looked so much like my living son. I thought I was taking everything well until one night I had a breakdown. I decided that I didn’t want to see another picture of her right now. My mind is very fragile for the time being. Ever since my son died, I’ve suffered from panic attacks and this has thrown me over the edge. I’m full of what ifs. I just wish that my son knew that he had a daughter. I can see the resemblance between them, my granddaughter has eyes just like his. I could be wrong about my living son really being her father. I want to judge this girl and the choices she’s made but I’ve held my tongue. It’s an embarrasment to know my two sons made such irresponsible decisions that resulted in getting someone pregnant. I really did teach them better than this. I really do need to swallow my pride and see a therapist. This has effected me so much. I don’t even see how I’m functioning at this moment.
I think everyone has been too harsh on LW…if I were her I would want to know the truth too. I would want to know if my deceased son had a daughter or not. I completely understand how she feels!
And the b.s. the mother saying she wasn’t ovulating when she was with the one son…well if she had sex with him before or after ovulating he could still be the father. Without an ovulation predictor test or her taking her temp regularly, how would she know? Gimme a break! She probably has no idea!
My very first thought was that the child’s mother wanted Social Security payments from the deceased son.Caroann- I honestly believe that she’s after social security. I’m sure that this is basically the only reason why she contacted me in the first place. She’s struggling financially, but I could be wrong. I’m watching what I’m saying to her because I don’t want to create drama. It just makes my blood boil when I think of how she has robbed me of years of not knowing I had a granddaughter. It’s hard to sympathize with her reasoning behind why she didn’t come forward from the very beginning. She appears to be a nice girl but it still doesn’t change what she’s done. I’ve already cried so many times over this whole situation. My living son is wanting to have a paternity test done but the mother keeps dragging her feet. She keeps telling him that there isn’t a need to have one done because the times don’t add up. She’s pretty confident that my deceased son is the father. I’m an emotional mess!
