Is he the uncle or father? Please help…advice needed.
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You guys are making assumptions about both the possible father/ uncle as well as the Mom. We know very little about the Mom either. She may have a record, she may have or have had an addiction issue…we have no idea. (And I doubt the LW knows much about her either) Remember she was the one sleeping with the guy with addiction issues who had been in jail. And @Ruby Tuesday, no it isn’t the Moms choice what the daughter deserves. If the other brother decides he wants to know if that is really his child he can legally force the issue.
And @anonymouse both my parents were drug addicts. They were also drug traffickers who were deeply involved in organized crime. (My mother is in hiding to this day because she has had a hit out on her for years.I even had to move because one of them found me and I was in fear for myself and my kids.)
One of my favorite memories was coming home from school all excited because I had concert tickets…only to find my dad near death from an overdose. If I hadn’t stopped by the house he would have died.(he overdosed many more times and eventually died from addiction.) So please stop acting like I don’t know about the plight of children of addicts. Gimme a f**king break…you have no idea!Oh and BTW my brother spent 7 years in prison because when he was 17 years old my father had him involved. Turns out one of the people involved was an undercover officer. My dad had my brothers selling drugs for him from a young age.(the brother who went to prison never used drugs and still doesn’t, my other brother did) This was the same brother that my parents (my dad and step mom) dropped when he was only a few months old (they were high of course) poor tiny baby had a double cast up to his hip. We had to put maxi pads on him under his diaper to keep everything off his cast. I have no idea how they didn’t take him. I ended up in foster care by 13.
I still believe people can get sober and I still believe if the Uncle turns out to be the dad he should have rights.LW, the embarrassment of having 2 sons who slept with the same woman is the least of your worries.
The mother of your grandchild is not the cause of your sons issues. Your grandchild is not a fix for those issues either. I hope you understand that your feelings and your thoughts are quite illogical.
Use your energy to help your surviving son rather than resent a poor single (presumably) mother.
Again, you guys have no idea about the mother. She was sleeping with two drug addicts. You call her a “poor single (presumably) mother” you all know nothing about her. She could have (or had have) her own addictions. Birds of a feather flock together… so maybe she got clean for the sake of her daughter. (She could have many other kids, who knows) BUT you all refuse to believe (possibly) finding out he has a daughter could help the son change his life. You all run with such little info and instantly decide who you think is good or evil on the tiniest bit of information.
??♀️“You all run with such little info and instantly decide who you think is good or evil on the tiniest bit of information”
Like you with the mother?
See OP, having a kid didn’t stop Carolann’s father from putting his kids in danger, having them sell drugs, going to jail, and overdosing in front of them, I mean even his grand kids are in danger. So no having a kid doesn’t change somebody, and you shouldn’t be taking it out on this women.
“Gimme a f**king break…you have no idea!”
Well, what victim of drug addicts and traffickers WOULD advocate for children being thrown in as a motivational prop? How you can you regale us with those pretty horrible anecdotes about your family, and STILL insist a child should be thrust into the arms of an addict? It boggles the mind.
You say we run with little information, but Tiffani has given us the information! Both of her sons were drug addicted criminals. The one doesn’t want to go to the courts for a test…because of his prior convictions.
You are supposing and making up details, like this woman is an addict, too. That she purposefully kept the child from them and is now coming out just for the SS benefits.
If anyone needs to stick to the facts and not the “maybes,” it’s you AND Tiffani.
Tiffani, how’s the search for a grief counselor going?
You have no right to blame the mother. She was protecting her daughter. And you have EVERY right to be mad at both of your sons for their failings. Open your eyes to that. Get help. Your selfishness is about to ruin this great gift of a relationship with your granddaughter.
Carolann has had a very tough life and deserves our congratulations, and possibly our awe, for coming out of it so well. It is still effecting her life and having her and her kids in virtual hiding. But, Carolann, I read your latest comments as an extremely strong and poignant argument for why addicts should not be allowed to raise children. It just isn’t fair to the children. Your parents ruined your brother’s life. Destroyed him at a time in his life when he really had no alternative but to obey them. No child should grow up in those circumstances. The young mother in this letter has tried to protect her child from these horrors. Yes, she has made mistakes, but, thus far at least, she has avoided the big mistake of letting one of LW’s criminal addict sons get a foothold into her daughter’s life. I give her kudos for that.
For original LW: you are allowing your life to be ruled by your sense of shame. Your sons both turned out badly, but that is something that can happen to good mothers, especially when they are living in a really bad environment. Your remaining son is an adult. He is going to have to do the heaviest lifting in fixing himself. He may be too weak to do this, but there really is no alternative. He needs to want to stay off drugs and improve his life. You can help by encouraging him to get (stay) in a drug treatment support group, hold down a steady job, and not associate with criminal and addict friends. It is not fair for you to recruit your granddaughter as an innocent prop to increase your son’s chance of long-term recovery. Nor is it fair or helpful to blame the child’s mother for not allowing criminal addicts to know of her daughter’s existence.
Carolann says that the remaining son has the right to petition for a paternity test. The inescapable fact is that he has decided not to do so.
A harder question is whether or not LW should be a part of her granddaughter’s life. For now, I say no — not in the child’s interest. until LW can see this child as simply a granddaughter and not the magic bullet which could have saved her first son and which she can use to save her second son, she is going to be poison to that little girl. The way LW has written on this thread, including all of her updates makes it clear that in her present state of mind, she will definitely, consciously or it just slips out, lay that heavy burden of guilt upon this little girl. That would be totally unfair. It also is undesirable for her to be a part of this child’s life until she can get past her hatred of the girl’s mother. Today, she’ll just sow dissension and be in this totally to serve her own needs. Counseling can get LW to a place where she can be a positive force in this little girl’s life.
So, carolann, your druggie parents abused your brother, got him involved in drugs/crime, made you a witness to their near-deaths, and still are a current danger to you and your children—and yet you think the mother in this story should gladly hand over her little daughter to experience that treatment?
Such cognitive dissonance. Unbelievable.
