Is my GF an addict?
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Been with my girlfriend two years with no reason not to trust her. She has had some money and health issues but our relationship is great, with full trust and much much love. However,the company she worked for has just gone out of business. Naturally she is worried,a bit depressed and polishing her resume to get it back out there.
Last night I got a call from a relative whom I have met once. I know my GF does not like or communicate with this person often.
The person told me that my GF is/has been a severely alcoholic,coke and heroin addicted person and the relative was concerned that I should know this because the job loss could re-trigger the addictions. The relative said that if I tell my GF what they said,my GF will disown them. The relative was under the mistaken impression that my GF was not with me when they “spilled the beans”.
So,I downplayed what I was told and just said the person was worried about my GF with the job loss etc. Much of what the relative “confided” was stuff I knew,except for the triple addiction part. I have never seen any evidence of drug/alcohol problems. My GF is furious that the relative called me at all and claims this relative has always tried to damage her relationships.
I am distressed and don’t know how to find the truth or what to do next. Do I tell my GF everything tht was told me? I always trusted them but now I am confused. We are supposed to buy a home together soon. Help please!Also you say you trust her as though if this was true and she hadn’t told you then you couldn’t trust her? That is not really your business if it is in her past so it has nothing to do with trust.
Honestly? Be grateful for the warning. As for buying a new house together? Eh, now is the perfect time to be ultra picky. In other words, I suggest that you simply fail to find one that You like at least not for another year or so, at least.
PS — knowing whether or not somebody is a recovering addict is something EVERY partner should have the right to know…
Hi JD-thanks. My GF has told me about a couple of depressive and excessive drinking episodes, but nothing about “these addictions”. I guess I would find it hard to trust if there were these issues or that it is possible they could happen again and I knew nothing about them. On the other hand I have seen no behavior that might lead me to suspect they are on drugs-the relative says it cold be on-going.
I am afraid if I say all that I was told, that my GF will be upset that I don’t/did not believe or trust her. I feel caught in the middle and I don’t want to end up in a bad situation as we are planning to get a house together soon..
I don’t see why if you told your gf what her relative told you why she would blame you. You SHOULD tell her what you were told. This relative sounds like they were stirring up trouble when they shouldn’t have been, though at least now you can be on the look out for any sort of relapse signs.
I’d also hold off on buying a house with her name on it until she has a stable job and has been there for 6+ months.
Look, either your relative is a nutcase and trying to stir up shit baselessly and needs to be kept at arms length (at best) or your GF is not being truthful with you regarding her past. You have to find out which one it is, and the only way to do that is to straight up tell your GF what was said and ask her about it in a non-judgmental manner. Recovering from addiction is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is a lifelong process. You definitely have to know whether someone you’re considering building a life with has addiction issues. It’s just non-negotiable.
“Much of what the relative “confided” was stuff I knew,except for the triple addiction part.”
This is concerning. If everything else the relative told you was true, I don’t blame you for wondering. And being a recovering addict is ABSOLUTELY something a life partner has a right to know. If you were casually dating, eh. But addiction is a lifelong condition that is mostly managed, not cured. You have a right to know about a serious condition before making a huge financial commitment like buying a house together, taking on debt together, or marriage. Addicts steal, lie, lose jobs, go bankrupt, and overdose.
If she hid her past addiction from you, that’s a giant red flag.
Oy vey. If the relative is a shit-stirrer, the GF needs to know so she can get ahead of this. If the GF is an addict then you need to know and ask her what, if anything, she needs to maintain recovery.
There is no downside for you -unless your GF is an addict, tries to hide it or goes off the rails. The issue between your GF and her relative is strained because of their issues, not you. You don’t have to play middleman and if anything, side with your GF because you know her and you don’t have the whole story.
I was told by a relative that a loved one has a drinking problem. They called me to ask for me to reach out to the person during a hard time, while the person was drinking heavily, and were not aware that I didn’t know. Since then, I can confirm that it’s true. This is someone I’ve known for many years. I was told not to let on because that person would not trust them (and they are the ones the person calls to get a ride when they are drunk or whatever), so they were worried that the person would be less safe if they couldn’t trust them. That’s beside the point here.
My point is that it’s really hard to say what’s going on here. It could be the relative overreacting or being overly critical. But it’s also entirely possible that this person is a recovering addict and never told you.
I also agree that a serious partner does need to know about an addiction. Not even just for the partner’s benefit, but anyone who is in recovery who actually cares about their recovery would know that they’ve got to disclose that for their own benefit too.
I think you need to tell her what you heard and also not jump into any more commitment yet. If it turns out this is true and she didn’t tell you, then I suspect she’s not going to be the best person to buy a house with. Not necessarily BECAUSE of the addiction, but because she hasn’t learned not to hide things and is not all that concerned with sobriety.
Imagine the roles were reversed, and you had a family member telling your gf sensitive/possibly untrue information about you. You’d hope she’d ask you about it, right?
And although you didn’t ask, I don’t think buying a home together sounds like a good idea right now. She’s out of work and you clearly have a lot of room to grow on communicating.
