Is my GF an addict?
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My GF does not know I talked to anyone else. And really,if someone told you something that you know ( because you know the back story of your GF/BF),could be true and the GF did not tell you-really ,Anonymosse,you would not have a minute’s doubt? Or be upset that you were not told the full truth? This is upsetting and my GF has a right to be mad at the relative,but I don’t think I have done anything wrong-I just want to know what there is to know and go from there. Also,the relative indicated this could be on-going at times or will possibly happen in times of stress-like job loss.
But just read what you’ve written in this and earlier posts. You do actually believe the relative. You did comply with this relative’s after-the-spill request that you keep the comments from your gf. You kept saying how much you trust your gf, but you don’t. A HUGE level of doubt shines through every post you write. You actually believe she withheld some vital info from you based on the comments of a relative you know she doesn’t get along with. In other words, your actions say you signed up on the relative’s side of reality the moment you received this phone call, despite zero evidence to back up the allegation. Don’t assume your discussion with the 3rd party won’t get back to your gf at some time. You have behaved badly here, not at all like a loving, trusting gf who is about to buy a house with her gf. You need to do what you should have done as soon as you hung up the phone: talk to your gf, in person, now. If you have to travel to her, then travel to her. Frankly, you are going more than a little weird over this accusation from a person you barely know. Is this how you expect your partner to communicate with you and have your back against less-than-friendly members of your family?
And I still don’t understand what would compel you to refer to your gf sometimes with the pronouns they and their.
Yeah – I don’t understand why first call wasn’t to your girlfriend to ask a measured, calm “Hey I heard this about you from so and so. I’m not saying it’s credible but it is concerning to hear such an accusation so let’s talk about it”.
All of this calling around to other people, respecting the relative’s unreasonable request for anonymity, airing it to an online panel suggests you have doubts and you think it might be true.
Which I don’t know if it is or not, but I can tell you you are digging a bigger hole here. Stop talking to anyone else and talk to your girlfriend already. Even if she’s lying to you and this is the beginning of the end for you two, she deserves better than you undermining her.
As an aside – I don’t care how your girlfriend identifies genderwise either, but it is confusing for you to switch back and forth between her/she and they/their when you refer to your girlfriend. It is sometimes hard to know if you are referring to your girlfriend or her relative. If she identifies as female and used female pronouns, use those. If your girlfriend does prefer to go by they/their that’s totally fine, but be consistent and use “my girlfriend” and “the relative” in place of pronouns if you are talking about both of them at once so the reader can keep it straight.
“My girlfriend has said this relative has long since tried to meddle in my girlfriend’s life” is maybe kind of clunky but is much clearer than “She said they have been trying to meddle in their life.”
Going to other people behind her back is beyond inappropriate. It’s fine to have doubts and be concerned, but that doesn’t give you the right to talk about her business with others. If you have issues in a relationship, TALK TO THE PERSON YOU ARE DATING. If you feel that you can’t trust what they say, then there isn’t enough trust to sustain a relationship.
If I were her and I found out you were doing this, I’d dump you on the spot.
I believe that there is some degree of truth to this, yes. The stories my GF have told me are similar,except in my Gfs stories someone other then herself was the person with the problem. The drugs were not specified either. So yes,this is confusing and I am also a person that needs time to process info.
I did tell my GF ( let’s call her Julie,since the pronouns seem to be an issue)that her relative told me Julie has a history of getting depressed and drinking heavily when unemployed. I am aware of this,was before,as Julie had told me. So,I just need not mention the heavy drugs as I was shocked and my GF was already very angry that the relative called at all. I was already concerned about Julie getting very depressed and have suggested Julie see the DR. and get diagnosed and get meds,which she did.
I do know of times related to her illnesses that Julie could have gotten powerful pain meds from the Dr. and she did not take them as she said she did not need them. I love her very much and admire her character too and I did trust that she had told me all-so I need to talk to her. I have no car and a business to run,so I can’t go to her now.
People often write here wondering if they should tell x about y etc. As a receiver of “helpful” info,I say mind your own business. This has hurt,not helped either of us. The advice giver/bean spiller does not know what the receipient knows. Unless it is an immediate danger thing like ” Your angry brother is headed to your place with an axe,gun etc.” then I think it not someone’s place to interfere.
Especially here,where,yes,it is possible Julie could do this again( if she did). As I said,the relative did not know whether or not I knew Julie was prone to depression etc. In fact I already knew that and was aware that losing her job could cause Julie to get very down. So the relative told me stuff I already knew and then loaded some bombs on top of that. I have to deal with the aftermath of meddling that really was none of their business as they are not dealing with Julie personally anymore. In fact,when Julie was recently ill,they were happy to let me do all the visiting and caretaking etc. so they not not “have to” as they told me. So,I don’t think they were acting out of kindness fully. I wish they had not meddled.Also – even though I would’ve recommended you NOT contact a third party before talking first to your girlfriend – now that you’ve done that what did you learn from this second person? Sounds like it is true, or trueish? Did this person confirm she has a past history of drug use?
I dunno – known of this sounds good. You’ve been lying and trying to go around her, she’s been lying/lying by omission about her past, seems like you guys aren’t straight with one another or trust each other.
This isn’t good.
Don’t buy a house together.
Oh wait, reading your new post – did you talk to your girlfriend about what you heard BUT you downplayed it and said all you heard about was problem drinking. Instead, you went around her to talk to someone else entirely (and they told you what exactly?)
DUDE – you’ve gotta stop pussy footing around here. Tell your girlfriend what you heard. Exactly. Let her respond as she will.
She may be pissed. At her relative, at you. She may lie.
But you are being ridiculous. TALK TO HER AND TELL HER WHAT YOU HEARD.
I am not saying I have handled this well-I was blindsided with this. Up until now we have been very upfront with each other and truthful,honest as far as I thought. Julie knows all the relative said to me,except the coke and heroin part-which I will disclose at first chance.
The person I confided in is a “vault” and very rational. I tend to get overly emotional instead of thinking things through and they helped me calm down. They think Julie and I have an excellent,happy,compatible relationship and they think it could be true,( they only know Julie through me and not before) and not a great move if Julie concealed it,but also not “the end of the world”. They think the relative was right to tell me though and I disagree.
I don’t feel I was been sneaking around-I did not call the relative to talk further, though they urged me to. I know people that knew Julie “back when” whom I could have called but I did not ,would not do that. Besides posting here (with some details skewed) I told one very close,trusted person who happened to see that I was upset.I think you need to call her.
In person would be best, but if you’re not going to see for a few days, you’ve already bungled this a bit and waiting is only going to make it worse.
Just talk with her already.
Julie is not upset with me (at this point anyway),just angry at the relative whom she has always disliked and not had a good relationship with.
LW — since you fairly much believe the relative who told you that your gf was an addict who reacts very badly to bad emotional times and who specifically told you that the call was made so that you knew the extreme danger your gf was in emotionally after the loss of her job, presumably in the hope that you would help her get through the trauma of job loss and avoid the past pits she fell into (this is the relative is telling you the truth scenario and has your gf’s best interests at heart):
— what are you actually doing to help your gf cope with job lost and possible relapse of depression? This would seem to be a very bad time to be separated and out of communication? If relative hadn’t mentioned past hard drug use and triggered your fear that gf withheld important info from you, wouldn’t your reaction to the job loss be to support her and be in more communication contact than normal? Doesn’t your radio silence equate to lack of support and come across as an uncaring ‘she’ll sink or she’ll swim until next I see her, but that phone call upset me so much that I must put my own issues first — RIGHT NOW?
— Have you thought about and decided what you will do if your gf tells you that she previously was an addict and didn’t think it was something you needed to know, because it was distant past to her? You need to answer this question in your own mind, before you confront gf about what relative said of past drug use.
Yes, the details of the phone call require a face-to-face conversation. However all of your comments don’t say that you have been in supportive daily contact with her. You need to be in contact. More constant comment than normal.
— When you do have ‘the discussion’ with gf, you need to have an explanation for your own conduct. Why didn’t you reveal exactly what her relative said immediately and then for almost a whole week after? Do you actually trust her? If you don’t fully trust her, what will it take for you to fully trust her?
— You also need to think how to tell her that now is not the time to buy a house together. It doesn’t have to be, probably shouldn’t be, a part of the conversation about her possibly being an addict.
