Marriage problems
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I think there is a difference between “complaining about your spouse to your friends” and “discussing serious problems in your relationship with friends”.
I kind of don’t think you should do either.
I mean, you guys should do whatever works for you in your marriages, but I wouldn’t and haven’t.
Mark, you’re baffled a lot ?
Leaving out discussions of abuse/abuse adjacent behavior (aka “Hey when you fight with your SO’s does she spend 3 hours calling you worthless? …
I frame this as: if I knew my significant other complained to a friend would I be embarrassed when I saw the friend? Then there’s the line. If he’s complaining I leave kitchen drawers open or haven’t had sex in 4 months – I may consider both breaches of privacy. Or I may not care about the drawers or about any of it.
Ultimately out of all the adult people in your life, shouldn’t you be kindest to your spouse?
Agree, you took a vow to this person, and I believe that includes not sharing personal info about their sexual behavior, medical or mental health info, etc without their knowledge or comfort. Unless you’re in danger, I do think you’re obligated to respect their privacy.
I think Helen said it. I wouldn’t say anything to friends that I wouldn’t say directly to the husband.
If it’s so bad that your consistently venting, you either need counseling or a divorce.
Kate — I think that is certainly true in a healthy marriage or non-married relationship. That is how we run our marriage. But, we also are each other’s best friends and are happy in our marriage.
It seems to me that neither LW or her husband is happy in their marriage and both are considering the possibility of divorce. Neither truly listens to or takes the other’s concerns seriously. Respecting the privacy of your SO is a two-way street. The present kerfuffle started when she snooped his private on-line conversations. She gives no reason to justify this.
I think talking to others about problems in your relationship follows at least slightly different rules, when you are considering the strong possibility of divorce. LW hasn’t mentioned that either she or her husband have raised the possibility of couples counseling. She sees his conversation with friends as something she can’t get past. He likely sees the lack of sex as a deal breaker. They don’t communicate well, really they almost don’t communicate at all. It’s over. Both are just seeking the courage and outside approval/nudge to take the next step to divorce.
I think Helen said it. I wouldn’t say anything to friends that I wouldn’t say directly to the husband.
I’m not sure how great a policy that is, but from what LW wrote, it seems very clear that her husband has said the exact same thing about lack of sex to LW as he said to friends. Likely he didn’t say it to friends until she totally blew him off and decided, as she wrote in her follow-up, that she views their sexual issues as no big deal. Translation: she’s never going to change and he considers status quo to be a deal breaker.
I think my perspective on this is different from yours Ron. She feels neglected. He feels neglected. They probably each think in their own corner that it’ll get resolved… somehow. They’ve got issues and they are not communicating well.
But his discussing the problem with his friends is where the line was crossed for her. And while I understand wanting to reach out to friends to get guidance – this is one of those subjects that had he said “I’m feeling neglected and I don’t know how to approach this problem.” that would likely have been perceived differently than “I’m not getting any.” which is just that old ball and chain, no more sex after the wedding trope.
Trust me, everyone. Your spouse’s friends ALL know that you leave the kitchen drawers open.
You are delusional if you don’t know this.
Even more so if you won’t admit that your friends ALL know that he leaves his socks everywhere.
?♂️
Why is that not a great policy? If I can’t say something to the husband, why am I with him?
This is absolutely true, but not quite what you said. I took your original statement to mean that if it was something you would and did say directly to your husband, then it was ok to also say it to a friend. There are many things I will say directly to my wife that I would never dream of saying to a friend or other family member and don’t feel it would be at all appropriate to say.
Also, as I mentioned, I think he clearly did say these things directly to his wife. I don’t see any indication he has suffered in silence. Her posts indicate that she is fully aware of his concerns and is blowing them off.
I am taking her at her word when she says she can’t move past his gossip or confiding outside the relationship. I think they have a serious sexual incompatibility that is a deal breaker for him. I think she realizes this.
L for L —
I thought the trope was no more sex after kids, not after marriage.The first year or two of marriage tends to be a time of an awful lot of sex for most couples.
In the modern world, I think most women and men anticipate a lot of sex, at least early on in a marriage. Is LW close to asexual? Does she withhold sex as a weapon? Is that why she thinks the problem is readily solvable — whenever she has gotten what she wants? Her posts just strike me as very strange.
