“My Boyfriend’s Too Close with His Brother’s Girlfriend”
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” You fall for people. They may hurt you, and you may want to work it out with that person. It’s all normal.”
No, this is not normal, at least it’s not normal in successful relationships. Couples may take a break, and that can hurt, but a break due to cheating discovered by the victimized partner is not normal.
No matter how well your bf does or doesn’t get along with his brother, cheating with his brother’s gf is not at all normal. It’s pathological. If brothers are at odds, that calls for distance, slow reconciliation. Your bf instead acted to deliberately injure his brother and destroy his brother’s relationship. injuring you in the process. If he’ll treat his brother that way, he’ll do the same to you (actually, I guess he really did already do that) when he’s angry with you.
Your bf has a vicious streak when he is angry. He doesn’t care whom he hurts or however badly he hurts them.
You not being able to get over the cheating is not the problem here. Your cheating bf is the problem. He badly damaged your ability to trust him. He may be trying to fix things, but clearly isn’t doing enough. You have good reason to be mistrustful. It sounds like he’s gas-lighting you, with your mother’s help, into believing that you are the problem. You emphatically are not.
You may be used to your boyfriends cheating on you (you said this isn’t the first time, and your mom dealt with a cheater, too). You may think it’s normal.
Abused women think being hit is normal, too.
It’s not normal. It’s not “understandable.” A decent boyfriend doesn’t fuck his brother’s girlfriend—just like a decent boyfriend doesn’t smack you across the face.
When your boyfriend cheats on you and you find out about it and find you can no longer trust him it isn’t your problem. It is a relationship problem. It is a problem that frequently causes the destruction of the relationship. That is normal.
Your boyfriend wanted to hurt his brother more than he loved being with you. At the very least he assumed he could harm his brother and have you. In the end he chose hurting his brother over being committed to you. He was willing to risk everything with you to harm his brother. He made that decision and you were left with the consequences of his decision. It is very normal to not be able to deal with those kinds of consequences. It is a positive thing for you to get out of the relationship. It is a good thing because it leaves you open to finding someone better. Someone who values you and your relationship more highly.
I understand that you love him and would like for the relationship to work. You are emotionally attached. Unfortunately he caused the damage that ruined the relationship. You not being able to get past it is you protecting yourself from future harm. That is very normal too.
I think this same type of thing has happened to many of us if not most of us.
Things you’ve (Mel) said that are not normal:
1) People we love will screw us over MULTIPLE times in our lives.
I’ve been married more than 20 yrs. Of course there have been times when we’ve dissappointed each other or hurt each other’s feelings, but never once has one of us screwed the other one over. We simply don’t purposely do things that we know will hurt each other. Your bf can’t possibly say he didn’t know you’d be hurt by him cheating.
2) I’ve always been a person who goes back and forth… I never know what I want…
Sure, plenty of people are indecisive, but the back & forth thing does not work in a relationship. If you can’t make up your mind about whether you want to be with someone, move on and let them find someone who IS sure about them.
3) I broke up with him bc I believe that if it’s meant to be, it will happen.
Huh? That doesn’t even make sense. Definitely not normal.
4) This is how relationships work.
No, it’s not. Pretty much everything you’ve described is the definition of a drama-filled, dysfunctional relationship. If that’s what you want, go for it, but if you want a relationship that actually works, this isn’t it.
Thank you all for being helpful. I don’t want anyone to think I’m crazy. Although, you probably all do already, but I’ll list things about me and him that people outside the relationship wouldn’t know…or simply to explain why I think the way I think.
1. He is dumb, naive (I am naive too…I know that.) His mom spoiled him and led him to believe that certain things were okay.
2. Of course, I do know it was his fault that our relationship is crappy. Yes I am emotionally attached. I can’t help it. He has done SOO many things for me throughout our relationship. He was always willing to come to me whenever I needed him. He’d be the one soothing me when things in my life went wrong. He was/is one of my best friends. So, it is VERY difficult for me to just rid myself of him. We are currently NOT together. I can’t see him leaving my life TBH.
3. All the things you guys have said to me…I know them. I understand them. I have even told my bf most of these things before coming to this website.
4. Yes I did google search this because it was mind boggling that this happened to me.
5. He DID not do this to purposely hurt his brother. He is NOT a vengeful/spiteful person. They do not hate each other that much.
6. I am not experienced with alcohol. I have never been drunk. He cheated on me when he was drunk. They would all get together and play those drinking games. I don’t believe alcohol can make you do things. And if it does, it’s because those things were what you wanted subconsciously. This is what I believe…and this is what I argued to him.
7. I have struggled a lot with this. I have thought about this alot. I have read google a million times. He and I have googled together ways to fix the relationship and what cheating means for the cheater. We don’t have “Get real help” money. We’re young-ish.
8. He is working hard to fix it. I ONLY get sad when I torture myself (ex. reading his old texts to her) or someone tells me to ignore his efforts because “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I actually searched this thread after I had a relapse (of reading the texts). So when I asked for help to breakup, I was still seeing the him that did that. Not the him now.
9. It’s really hard for me. Some people were super rude to me in a time that’s very tough for me. I have NEVER cared for someone like this and been hurt like this before. So I didn’t appreciate Ron’s comments about me and some others. Ppl here have to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. This is NOT easy for me to do. Leaving him is near impossible (bc I can’t see it). Being with him is hard bc I worry that I’m not good enough. He does not pressure me to stay with him. He actually says “Do what will make you happy. I was so dumb. You’re too good for me, and I know that. I made you so sad, and I’m sorry. Do what you need to do. I don’t want to tell you what I want, because I don’t want to influence your choice.” He knows that I’m indecisive and will go with the choice others choose for me.
10. My mom believes cheating is normal. I SURE AS HELLO DON’T! Just so we’re clear.
Getting drunk voluntarily isn’t a valid excuse for murder or any other crime and it isn’t the cause of or excuse for cheating. You way your bf is trying to fix things, but it sounds like rather than truly accepting responsibility for his actions, he’s invoked the “I was drunk” get out of jail free card.
He’s been especially nice to you since he was caught, and told you how sorry he is. Has he stopped playing drinking games with the crew he drank with when he cheated. Has he stopped getting drunk. He claims that is the root cause of the cheating, so presumably he is always in danger of cheating on you when he gets drunk.
Now your story has become “he doesn’t hate his brother that much”, so of course cheating with his brother’s girl friend was not a deliberate action to hurt his brother. If you believe that, you’ll believe any lie he tells you. Of all the girls he might have cheated with, he chose his brother’s gf. Strange coincidence, don’t you think?
Your mother has raised you to believe that cheating is natural and it’s the woman’s role to forgive — repeatedly. You say you don’t accept that, but clearly at some level you do, because you are acting on that belief and you have stood up for that belief multiple times in your original level and responses. You accept that multiple betrayals from your intimate partner is just the way that all relationships are. Really, it isn’t. Everyone who has posted has told you that their relationships aren’t like that. You’ve been brainwashed to be accepting and submissive.
“Ppl here have to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. This is NOT easy for me to do. Leaving him is near impossible (bc I can’t see it).”
Here’s the thing. You’re making the assumption that because people are saying you should break up, that they are saying it’s easy and insulting you or something. Nobody is saying it’s easy. But just because something is difficulty is no reason for a person to say, “Well, that would be difficult, so I’m not going to suggest that she do it.” If the difficulty and sadness that comes with breaking up were insurmountable, nobody would ever break up. I think you may also need to put yourself in others’ shoes because you’re not the only one who feels that they can’t see themselves without someone. Pretty much everyone who is in a serious relationship feels like that. But people make the decision to move on even though it’s hard.
I imagine you might think I’m trying to be rude during a hard time, and I’m not. But it’s pretty common for people on here to describe a barely tolerable relationship and then say, “Don’t suggest we break up because I can’t live without him.” But you can. It’s hard, and sad, and it might take months to get over it, but ALL humans are capable of surviving tough breakups. I think one of the things that keeps people (especially women) in relationships where they are being treated like crap is this fear of discomfort/pain. No one wants to go through that, but sometimes you have to put your overall wellbeing and need for a functional life/relationship above temporary pain.
Just food for thought.
Many of us, including myself, have been in your shoes. We know what it is like. We know how hard it is to break up. We know it hurts. We also know that it is incredibly hard to fix what is broken. It is hard to build trust after betrayal. So hard that it is often impossible. We know that over the short term it will hurt to break up but we also know that you can find much greater happiness if you do. We’ve been there. We’ve done it. We’ve fallen in love with guys who hurt us and broke up with them and learned to avoid the red flags that we missed or ignored previously and found much better guys and much happier relationships. That’s what we want for you. We want you to find a better, happier relationship. We are giving the advice we do because we have experienced what you are living right now and we care enough to try to get you to a better place.
I personally found that once I didn’t trust the guy that I no longer respected him either and that was as hard on the relationship as the cheating. I can’t respect someone who lies to me.
I am definitely not submissive. A big reason I want to hold on to the relationship is because he has made an effort to change.
-Doesnt drink alcohol anymore.
-Doesnt hang out with his bro’s gf anymore.
-Doesnt text her at all.
-If she texts him, he sends me the screenshot and let’s me know.
-He lets me see his phone if I ask. I rarely ask now bc I’ve built up enough confidence that he’s not doing anything currently. But when I first found out, he was willing to show me.
-He did NOT seek out hurting his brother. That’s one thing I am for sure about.
– He comes hang out with me randomly without me having to ask.
– He apologizes and accepts what he did.
– This him is way different than when I first found out. He was using that “drunk” card. He doesn’t anymore. He changed after we had a heart to heart one day about breaking up months ago. We decided we would break up, and he broke down crying later that night. After that moment, he has done all the things above. He decided he wanted to work on us. He decided he wanted to be forgiven. He wanted to prove to me that he messed up.This has all occurred over the span of 6 months (from when I found out). We have definitely changed as a couple. We know that it’s a tough sitch.
We are not together. Bc I need time to build my own love for myself before I try to make us work. He is my best friend, so he is very supportive and very sorry.
Yes, when I lost trust for my first bf after he cheated, the respect was SOOOOO gone. But I haven’t lost respect for this current ex. It’s weird and I don’t even understand it.
You do understand it, you just don’t want to accept it.
Everyone here is right, and you should honestly take their comments to heart. Remember, you’re the one reading old texts torturing yourself, and searching Google for how to fix your broken relationship so on some level you know that the relationship can NOT be fixed, and that you should move on. Your head just needs to catch up with your heart.
He can be in your life, just right not right now and definitely not as your boyfriend. You need to put a lot of distance between y’all so you can heal yourself.
Don’t be the woman who stays with the guy who constantly cheats on her, and she’s wondering how to fix it and we’re all practically yelling that she needs to leave him. Don’t do it!
And if no one has said it yet…don’t get pregnant and go get tested for STD/STI.
I’m not sure whether this has been mentioned since I haven’t read all the comments but Mel,you may find that since you’re broken up with him,you don’t want him back in the end. I hope you really are treating this like a breakup and not keeping in touch with him.
