My husband won't stop smoking weed
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Yes, I get all that. Are you familiar with addiction? At least read up on it. Of course you love him, but unfortunately, love does not overcome addiction. Addiction is more powerful.
My father was an alcoholic when I was a child, this is the closest thing to an addict that I know of. My husbands behavior is far better than my fathers ever was. Most of the time, I can hardly even tell when he’s high. But that doesn’t take away from its risks, and my feelings about it. Nor does it make me feel great that if it were up to my husband, he would probably stay high 24/7. My distaste might be the only thing keeping him away from partaking more ham he already is. We have talked about seeing a counselor, and probably still should. Thank you for your advice.
I think you should go alone. I don’t mean couples’ counseling. Especially if your dad was an addict and you may be unconsciously playing out some childhood dynamic (we all do to some extent). I also hear denial. An addiction counselor should be able to give you the advice and perspective you need here.
Oh. This explains this relationship. Sorry, but definitely go to Ala Non & start solo counselling. I’m from a family of addicts too & dated addicts. It didn’t go well. It was only through therapy that I was able to change my attraction to addicts. Better then your father isn’t a ringing endorsement. This also “now” is better then your father’s behavior, the future with addicts is undeniably worse.
Echoing what everyone has has said: love ins’t enough to make a relationship successful. You two are not compatible. The bad news is you didn’t figure that our before you got married. The good news is that you didn’t have kids together yet and you haven’t been married that long. You can end the marriage fairly seamlessly and move on and still have plenty of time to find someone you are compatible with. Please, though, do seek counseling so you don’t repeat the same patterns.
I agree with what everyone else has said. I don’t have a problem with weed but it doesn’t matter because you do and he knew that. His lying and disregard for your feelings are the dealbreakers here in my book. I think you need to walk away. He’s an addict who is making no effort towards change. You can’t bring children into this. Please do go to al-anon; you can learn a lot and get support there.
Hi Everyone. I am the one who posted this and I am so greatful for all of your advice. I am seeking a counselor and hope to report better news in the future. Thank you!
I hope you get the help you need. The lying, browbeating, disregard for your feelings, and the risk to his ability to support himself or anyone else would be huge deal breakers for me.
I Say certainly don’t have kids and start thinking about separation. I don’t think people can change when they are addicts to the point he is. It’s a red flag when something he’s been doing for months (the lying AND the drugs) is something you absolutely don’t want for the other parent of your children. The fact that he had a long term problem and currently a months long habit is a really bad sign. Even if it was something not illegal and more socially acceptable like smoking cigarettes , you have the right to have deal breakers for what ever reason. Lying (long term, not an accident) may also be a big deal breaker for many people.
LW, I am not sure what exactly you are hoping will happen. Your husband clearly stated he will not stop smoking. You said you cannot tolerate his drug use and the repercussions it can have on your personal and professional life.
Do you want to spend your life monitoring his drug use or resign yourself to a life with an addict ? I think you know what to do. I hope you will find the clarity and the courage to actually do it.
The best part of your marriage is already over. It will be all downhill from now. He was hiding what he was doing because he knew it was a dealbreaker. Knowing that it was a dealbreaker he did it anyway. He has made his decision. He wants to have both you and the weed but when it comes down to having to choose one or the other he has already chosen the weed. You are already second in his life and you will never be first. If you have children with this man they will always come second to weed. When push comes to shove you are more expendable than the weed. It’s a dealbreaker so it is time to break the deal. Breaking up will be painful, none of us doubt that. Compare the pain and sadness of a breakup to the pain and sadness of spending twenty or thirty years living as you are now. Can you take twenty or thirty years of your current life? Can you see adding children to the situation and spending the next twenty years raising the children by yourself because his primary focus and need will be the weed? If you have children and then breakup you can assume you would be required to send your children to spend weekends with their drug addicted father and his probably drug addicted girlfriend. Think very long and hard to avoid getting yourself into that situation. You have the freedom to breakup now without huge consequences. Of course it will hurt but not nearly as much as sending your kids off to spend the weekend every other weekend with an addict.
I didn’t get into it earlier, but my first husband was an addict… I’m not sure I realized that, since we were so young, though I should have… his dad was a classic alcoholic. Anyway, booze and weed were my husband’s things, though he did try other drugs. He was able to mostly stay off the weed during his 4 years in the military, but it got him in the end, and he’s still (as far as I know) smoking and drinking heavily at 45 and working at a pizza place (like he was at 20 when I met him). He quit a fantastic, set-for-life job in 2001 and has done nothing since. Weed can be pretty insidious with an addict.
