My husband won't stop smoking weed
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L.W., you said that your husband views this like having a beer. I don’t know what you would think,but if he was having a beer each time,instead of toking-I would find that unacceptable and addictive behavior as well. This situation is untenable-you can leave ( I would) or learn to accept and overlook this. In my opinion the second option can only work for awhile. It will become intolerable in time,especially as his use can affect work,kids etc.
Take it from a big weed fan- your husband’s behavior is unacceptable. I think the most jarring thing is how calculated and deceptive he was about it. Everyone else is right that this is classic addict behavior. I also agree with Kate that you probably need individual therapy to figure out what dynamic you’re reenacting. I’m sorry, LW; this is a tough thing to have to tackle when you thought you’d be starting a family/new life chapter.
Ok I know this opinion goes against the grain of what most people are saying here, but I don’t have a problem with the husband smoking pot every day. Many ex-addicts originally became addicted to whatever (alcohol, opiates) as a way to soothe chronic anxiety, and when they get off the drug of choice, it doesn’t mean the anxiety goes away. Of course I don’t know if that’s this guy’s issue, but if it is, pot is a relatively benign way to deal with chronic anxiety. If it’s impairing his ability to do his job or putting him in danger of failing a work-enforced drug test, then no, its not the best way to treat anxiety. Neither is getting arrested for illegally buying it. But it’s better than white-knuckling it, or getting hooked on Xanax or some other anxiety remedy. My husband has had issues with alcohol dependence in the past (which he used to soothe anxiety from past trauma and chronic leg pain from an accident) and yeah it was an accomplishment when he quit cold turkey, but he was also constantly irritable and still in pain. Rather than take prescription painkillers or anti-anxiety meds (and risk getting hooked on those) he started smoking pot and became a much happier person. Granted, he does not do it before work (only after), but even if he did it would not be a problem. They do not drug test either, thank god. It also helps tremendously with his ADD. Even though I am not a fan of marijuana personally, and even though he may or may not be dependent on it, I see how it improves the quality of his life – and mine, by extension – so I decided long ago not to fight that battle. Also we live in a progressive state where pot is already legal for many medicinal purposes, which makes the stigma less serious. I figure if you can use pot to treat epilepsy, Crohn’s disease and nausea from cancer, why not self-administer it for anxiety, chronic pain and ADD?
To your last point, I would say the important difference would be a doctor administering treatment vs. somebody with no medical expertise self-treating.
There are other key differences between these two situations, including legality, risk of job loss, and addict pathology.
Thanks everyone for your input.
TheOtherOtherMe – thanks for giving us a different perspective. My husband believes that smoking pot makes him happier, and makes the stress of work more bearable. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than for my husband to be happy however I believe their are better ways to accomplish this. Afterall, he was happy while we were dating and engaged and he wasn’t smoking pot. He’s young and doesn’t need pot to help with pain or any other illness. He just does becuase it makes his worries go away and he enjoys it. He believes that it’s wrong of me to keep him away from something he enjoys and enriches his life.
I understand his views to a certain extent, however I do not understand how on earth he expected all of this to play out nicely. He gave me no choice in the matter and is selfish to think that I would suddenly change my beliefs for him. But he keeps pushing the envelope and just like the comments above he believes that smoking daily is “no big deal”. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t but it’s causing problems in his marriage and that alone should be enough to make him want to stop. If you ever feel the need to hide things, and sneak behind your spouses back than your probably doing something wrong. It’s foolish to think that after all that has happened I would just accept it with open arms. I didn’t marry a pothead, I married a responsible adult that knows how to deal with his issues on his own.
KitKat —
So, what I your point? You keep saying how this is totally unacceptable to you, he misled you, if he really cared about you he’d just stop. But… he’s made it clear he isn’t stopping. You each have a red line and the other won’t accept the line. You are basically incompatible. You can complain all you want, but your choices seem to be to either leave the guy or live with the smoking. You are both adults who have made your choice and dug in your heels. You say you want an adult who can deal with his issues on his own. He thinks he’s doing just that, with the use of pot. He can’t convince you that his approach is right and you’ll never convince him that it’s wrong. So, are you going to MOA, or what?
@kate keymaster
(Also TheOtherOtherME <– aka the voice of reason)>>I don’t think weed is that bad of a drug, but wtf with smoking in the morning before work? If you go to work high, someone is eventually going to give you a drug test and fire you. Or does he not work? If not, what are his prospects of finding work if he’s high all day AND may get a drug test where he applies?<<
SMoking weed before work is not the same as going to work high, my goodness. I’m seeing so many people throw the “addict” word around for pot. Of cousre dude hides it from his wife, that’s not addictive behavior – it’s being real! Pretty sure “not being a nag” is something that’s been mentioned on this site before, you know, to keep a happy marriage or something like that. Or maybe “pick your battles…”
I have intestinal disease. (15 surgeries worth.) I wake up with my insides in knots. I am able to have a few puffs before work, not feel high at all, just to shut my system down. It is possible to smoke until not-high, as in not-being-impaired. There’s so much information being thrown around by people commenting here it’s redic. It doesn’t impair me to drive, and it doesn’t impair me to work. Weed comes in all kinds of strengths, and even with the strong stuff 1 puff is all I need. Super frugal. But leme guess, the wife is okay with him drinking? Yyyeeeaaa I hate being around people that drink because they act fucking stupid. Does the wife prefer that instead? Seems far better to have a puff don’t you think? And oh yea, HE’S WORKING. HE’S EMPLOYED. IT CLEARLY HELPS HIM WORK/GET TO WORK/ WHATEVER. What’s the problem? Dude isn’t sitting at home on his ass drinking and smolking himself stupid all day.
Would you rather have him taking Xanax, an addictive pharmaceutical, instead of a puff? Seriously? Seems weed is far better to do in the morning than that crap. I’m not religous but man made Xanax, mother earth/the gods made pot.
Maybe it’s because I’ve had several deaths in the fam lately, or folks I know affected by our natural disasters, but seriously there are waaay worse things right now. It’s all about perception yo. IF this is the worst of your problems in your marriage, and he’s otherwise a wonderful guy (is he? Maybe elaborate on how awesome he is? Or is it that you’re just using pot as a piddly reason when overall you’re not happy with him as a husband in general?)
It’s called fake urine. I know dudes who have been on probation the better part of 10 years – they’ve NEVER been busted for drugs at work or getting a piss test before getting a job, because for $25 you strap it to the inside of your leg, it keeps warm, and wow of course you piss clean.
Seriously, people who are caught for this are idiots. If people in jail fail a piss test and that is why they are there, they are made fun of and called idiots. Because they are.
I”m mainly a lurker but I just couldn’t take all the BS being thrown around here today. I also live in a state where it’s 100% illegal no ifs ands or butts (great lakes region). Even people on probation are not watched while they pee, so it’s super easy to have the urine bladder thing strapped up on the thigh.
It’s too bad people have to resort to this, of course.
I’m sure there’s stuff he didn’t like about you, the wife, whether it’s a habit of yours or someone he doesn’t want you to hang out with or bring around or even how she folds the damn laundry or leaves her undies on the floor or shrieks like a banshee. Really, get over it. There’s so much more to a marriage than him smoking descreetly before or after work. But if you’re gonna insist on calling him an addict, do him a favor and divorce him. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of like minded folks at Al-Anon to feed you inaccurate info that will help in your decision to divorce.
Again seems like you got one foot out the door already.
Seriously big deal. Dude aint impaired. Andyea if he gets fired, your man is an idiot for the above reasons I stated, mainly fake fucking urine.
Damn.
Sorry for the tone but I just couldn’t take it anymore reading thru this thread.
LIke I said Im mainly a lurker and I’m sure the regulars here will tear me apart. But I just couldn’t believe the comments on this thread.
WWS – guess you’re not compatible…because you don’t want to be, really. Sucks you’d get divorced over this, but I guess marriage isn’t a big deal anymore anyways, at least it seems like it’s not to you? So please, taking the high road here yourself and making this about drugs, when divorce is preventable, because it’s over such a stupid reason, seems absolutely silly to me.
Sorry for my tone, I wrote this fast and needed to get this off my chest when I read this. If someone were to call me half the things people in this thread did, over something so silly… yea idk how i’d react.
Oh I know – probably by hiding it from my spouse to save myself from the nagging.
Okay, sorry, that’s too long to read, but I see it’s addressed to me. I think you said you have a medical condition. Her husband doesn’t. Also “Before we were married my husband had a past with drugs and alcohol.”
“…but when we met he was completely sober and had promised me that those habiLts were in the dust.”
How many times here are people told that they should talk about things that are important to them before marriage? And what’s the point of that, if one person can flat out lie about it, and continue to lie, and somehow think that’s okay?
Yeah, divorce is preventable, when people represent themselves accurately before marriage instead of lying repeatedly and often. The LW is entitled to think it’s a big deal, just as he’s entitled to think it’s not a big deal. Neither of them is entitled to lie about themselves before or after I they’re hitched. Lying and disagreement about something fundamental is a perfectly valid reason for divorce, and I encourage it (the divorce, not the lying). Communication, and marriage loses all purpose when one person is lying.
Lying about and hiding drug use in a marriage is bullshit. In both my marriages, we knew what drugs we were doing and how much (I’m not going into detail because probably too many people know who I am irl). If you don’t have a medical condition and you’re self-administering a controlled substance daily and lying to your spouse about it, so that they believe you’re not a drug abuser, that’s not okay. It’s not about preventing nagging, it’s about misrepresenting yourself and not being compatible with your spouse. And yeah, you could lose your job, unless you’re carrying fresh pee with you every day. Random drug tests happen, particularly if people have a reason to think you do drugs.
Fake pee. Not fresh pee. Only one goes bad…
I think ya’ll nuts that this is the hillyou’re willing to die on. Lying over something so minor. And then make it about the lying. It’s understandable (and justifyable) for him to lie to prevent your nagging, over something so silly. And I’m sure he knows you lie to him about little stupid things also and he lets it go, because you did say he was a wonderful husband. You do not sound like a wonderful wife. As much as everyone here wants to talk about integrity in their marriage — I call bullshit. Women have been hiding shit from their husbands since the beginning of husbands. I can guarantee you aren’t perfect, that there’s some expense in the checking account that you’re not telling him (maybe an “addictive” clothing buyer every damn time you go to the Target for milk and buy clothes also, who knows! But I guarantee you got something you hide from him that he lets go, because it’s minor.) But there’s no point picking battles when you write in wanting to get divorced and just wanted a reason to do it, as stupid as the reason is just so that you look justified.
Are you not in a state with no-fault divorce or something?? Is that why you need a reason?
Lies from omission sure, they’re still lies. Pretty sure the wife is guilty of this. Pick your battles.
In places like Colorado, there are true studies (you know, the published empirical kind that everyone thinks is the answer to everything) coming out that pot helps addicts. Addicts being, folks actually addicted to truly addictive drugs. You know, like alcohol, opiates.
It is totally unreasonable and crazy to call someone who smokes pot twice a day an addict. Especially since every state that has any kind of medical or rec legally is going to disagree with you.
YOu can either be on the progressive side of history, or you don’t. And I think we all agree which way the country is going on this and that you drawing a line in the sand is sometihng unreasonable.
I watched HAIRSPRAY this week… It’s a great musical. Perhaps that might put things in perspective for the wife…
If it keeps him from having that single beer at the end of the day, that you seem to hate so much and even more, then what’s the problem?
But really, that’s not what you’re writing in about. You wanted permission to divorce a good huband. Well, many like minded folks here are pro-divorce so of course you are going to find it here with any bullshit reason you come up with.
Ya know, WWS. You aint happy, divorce him. (Psst! You don’t even *need* a reason. It’s not required. JUst *need* the court cost money. That’s how simple it is to get a divorce.)Yup sounds like you want that divorce. But writing in to DW will sure give you the backup you feel you need to do it..not sure why you did in the first place. (That is, Got married or writing in here.) Obviously you odn’t take marriage seriously. That’s too bad. That’s really what this is about.
It is totally unreasonable and crazy to call someone who smokes pot twice a day an addict! I hope he divorces YOU.
