My husband won't stop smoking weed
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Holy stereotypes Batman. All women are being tee hee sneaky when they go get those diapers at Target, buying yoga pants and hiding it from hubby, and that’s the equivalent of doing drugs daily and lying about it. Riiiighttt. I’m not judging you for being an addict, really I’m not, I have my own issues, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot…but a lot of your arguments are really BS.
@Kate
Actually you ARE judging me…calling me an addict counts. But hey, I’m disabled, so I’m pretty used to people judging me anyways. Having an invisible disability (unless I raise my shirt and you see my roadmap on my belly), yea getting judged is par for the course. It’s too bad you are encouraging others (and women, no less) to do it with you.I read this boards often, I’m familiar with your online character here and yes you are a judging person who flubs the rules when you see fit and it suits you. (“Oh well you have a medical condition”…yea seems he does too lady..but whatever who am I to judge, right???) That’s not a stereotype, that’s real. Unlike you I guess I live in the real world. Hence my lack of BS with the pile-on from your like-minded friends here.
Seriously people writing in and debating the pot thing is soooo 2005. But judgemental people are everywhere! This place is obviously full of them. i’m sure you like that position on your high horse. Maybe you’re short like me? Neither of us is going to change, and this wonderful husband isn’t going to either.
Going back to lurker status, I think I made my point here. Attack the messenger all you want. (Are you a scientologist?)(Cuz they’re pretty judgey towards the messengers that criticize their views.Just sayin.)(Don’t like how it feels do you?)
Divorce him wifey. DO HIM A FAVOR. I dare you to print this out and give it to him.
What a mass of false equivalence and “what-about-ing”. E, YOU can decide that anything is fundamentally important as a dealbreaker to YOU before a marriage, and can make that clear to your fiance. That’s exactly what Kat did. YOU don’t get to decide for anybody else whether what’s trivial to YOU is required to be trivial to someone else, whether that involves gambling, religion or lack thereof, any kind of substance use, banging half the population of Colorado, shopping at Target, or wearing purple socks every Friday. The guy decided FOR the woman that her dealbreakers ought not to be a big deal, and so he flat out lied about them, before and during the marriage, and is arguing and browbeating. And SHE is somehow not thinking that marriage is a big deal?! I guess you think that lying in defense of something a body feels like doing is okay, but yanno, he could easily have gone and married somebody who actually shared his outlook on things, instead of lying. It is dehumanizing to dismiss her concerns. You can go ahead and marry whoever you want, buy what you want, bang who you want, drink what you want, shop where you want for what you want. You can decide anything is silly to YOU. You just don’t get to say for someone else that they should be okay with it, and then wrap it in some phony baloney concern about the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is pretty effing meaningless if I can’t get the truth about someone before I marry him. I’m more concerned about baldfaced lies than anything else.
There’s no need to imagine up a whole litany of sins that you think SHE has committed, that you think excuse his raft of lies. It doesn’t give a husband a free pass to go ahead and bang the neighbor, knowing that fidelity is important to his wife, just because he thinks fidelity is overrated and trivial and besides, his wife buys too much jewelry. That’s absurd, and a complete non-starter of an argument.
Yeah… this is getting really thin, with the random references to Scientology (??) and my height thrown in there (I’m average). There’s not even a thread in there to pick up, so going back into lurking sounds about right. I’ll just say, sure, I get on my high horse about some stuff, like Facebook or prostitution, but not drug use. I told you, I have issues too and am speaking from experience, but you’re not hearing it. That’s okay.
We all have our dealbreakers. Pot is one of those for me as is smoking cigarettes and routinely getting drunk. I have no use for any of those things and don’t want to be around them even if they are legal. I also have no tolerance for someone who spends beyond their income or who spends within the income money that was set aside for other things.
I’d have to really think about other things because although they might not be a dealbreaker they might be. If my husband traveled for work most of the week most weeks and I was left to take care of everything at home all of the time I think I would get tired of that. If my husband had a job that required him to move every two years to three years I don’t think I could do that.
When you find yourself sneaking and lying you know you are messing up and if you are doing it in a dating relationship you should break up. If you flat out lie to trick someone into marrying you then you shouldn’t be too surprised when they are angry that you tricked them into thinking you were someone other than your true self. Most of us can’t respect someone who pretends to be something other than their true self. That is a bait and switch situation and people hate it. Most people are also hugely disappointed to find out that the person who tricked them was capable of being so deceptive. Then they have to wonder what else do they lie about.
Say I was dating a guy whose favorite thing to do was to go fishing and camping. He would make sure he spent at least one weekend a month fishing and camping and that’s what he did for all of his vacation time. If I disliked fishing and camping but pretended to like them and went on all of his fishing and camping trips until we were married and then I quit going he would feel betrayed. He thought he had a partner who was a perfect match only to find out that he had a partner who was no match at all.
That’s what happened with the original poster. She thought she had a great match only to find they didn’t match at all and the only reason she didn’t know that before the marriage when it would have been much easier to move on was because he lied and misrepresented himself. He was the one who didn’t respect marriage. He didn’t respect it enough to go into it honestly. He didn’t respect it enough to let a dealbreaker be a dealbreaker. He didn’t respect it enough to let her have a choice in what she would experience in her own home after getting married. Marriage requires several essential foundations and one of those is trust and another is respect. He didn’t value marriage highly enough to go into marriage as a trustworthy, respectable partner because he misrepresented who he was.
@Cleopatra
Nope. My name is Erica. Born a woman raised a woman still a woman. I’m non-partisan (didn’t vote!) . I’ve taught martial arts (won’t say which ones) to mostly women and children, I majored in a social science and I live in the real world…with real problems, real idiots, and real challenges. I’m an advocate for women, but not for morons.But usually when women disagree on anonymous message boards they jump to the conclusion I am a man, the rare times I waste time commenting. Nope, just calling out hypocricy when I see it. Kinda proved my point tho, when I chose to use just my first letter…
everyone wants to be gender-fluid not-caring these days, I’m one of the few that says this is silly. That’s why I protect women and children. But this poor husband is really getting the under shoe treatment here, which is too bad because he seems like a wonderful husband…
I love DW (advice in general, she’s #2 to Coke tho for me, the aged coke not days of yore coke-talk coke because as a Cali girl in my youth those kind of brats irritated me) and overall don’t tend to disagree with her very much on stuff. But unfortunately the boards here are not something I’m overal interested in participating in because it’s a bunch of idealists, and I frankly don’t have time for that. Like most of the world. But, I chimed in, expecting everyone to gang up on me because I am of the lone opinion that this wife needs to set this man free immediately! Not for her sake but his. That poor guy.
I like that name, my first cat’s name was Cleo.
Glad a differing opinion could somehow eek it’s way into here…
I hope everyone has a nice day. Just wanted to point out I’m not male. nor have any knowledge IRL of anyone on this site. Just calling it like I see it. I laughed out loud.
Wifey, let us know how the update goes? I guess? Time to let your guy on the market, and over something so silly. SMH.
The husband probably won’t even see this board, but if he did, at least he knows that not everyone thinks this is a dealbreaker.
Yup, still silly.
Oh my god, did you even read what people wrote, E? People aren’t dissing him because he smokes pot. Maybe one or two did, but not the majority. The entire problem is that he lied to her before they got married. Before marriage, he said he had stopped. After marriage, he started. That’s a straight up lie. That’s the problem. We would be giving the same advice about any lie, as Sky pointed out. People are allowed they’re preferences. These preferences didn’t match up, but he fooled her into marrying him. You’re so caught up about pot, you refuse to see the real problem.
Also, for someone who supposedly advocates for women, how could you not vote? Women fought hard for the right to vote, and you throw yours away? Classy.
I work in Toxicology, specifically with a drug testing program in a workplace. At least in the US, there are mechanisms to detect fake pee. Creatinine measurement in the sample being one of them. You can be fired from either testing positive or trying to adulterate the sample. So, if your friends have never tested positive in 10 years, perhaps it’s because their consumption didn’t match the times their sample was taken, but, believe me, fake pee always gets detected.
E — you are the hypocrite. Oh so socially aware, dealing in the real world and real world problems, caring about defense of women, yet you failed to vote against the pussy-grabber in chief.
I do agree with you that smoking pot isn’t a huge deal. It was classed with serious drugs way back when out of politics because minorities were the main users way back then. Alcohol and tobacco are WAY worse.
I disagree that LW’s husband lied prior to marriage. He said he had used, but had given it up. Likely he had given up pot. I know a lot of people, my self included, who gave it up when they were in a job situation that was subject to testing. It is his means of coping with stress and when he got stressed, he returned to the weed. He did then hide it, which was wrong, but LW seems obsessive about weed.
