My husband won't stop smoking weed
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“I disagree that LW’s husband lied prior to marriage. He said he had used, but had given it up.”
He made a promise of future behavior—one he knew was IMPORTANT to his wife—and he’s going back on his word. Getting high is more important than keeping his promises.
But gee, she’s so OBSESSED with this issue that could cost her husband his livelihood or even freedom. What a square!
Nonpartisanship is not synonymous with failing or refusing to vote. Our right to vote is guaranteed in the Constitution. Partisanship involves how people identify with political parties. Not only are you a hypocrite, but your defense is fundamentally flawed.
Northern Star —
I agree that he broke his pledge. That is not the same as lying. He would only have lied when telling her that his pot use was in the past, if he actually planned at the time to resume using pot after they were married. She doesn’t say that was what happened. Equally likely that he intended to be off pot for good and stress drove him back to his stress reducer of choice. As I said above, I agree it was wrong of him to be sneaky about this change, but there is no evidence of malice aforethought. I view pot as more psychologically than physically addictive, but anyone dating a former user of a psychoactive substance (including alcohol and tobacco) should realize that a relapse is possible. Even people who go through formal recovery programs often relapse.
I dated a man for two years that was heavily dependent on weed. Smoked before work, after work, all the time. Claimed it wasn’t a problem. I’m not a week smoker, never have been, so he hid it from me for the first six months of our relationship. I found out and he told me it just just a once in a while thing. It wasn’t. It got worse and worse and worse. Most of our fights were about his smoking. He nearly got us kicked off a plane because he brought some to the airport with us on vacation.
We broke up in 2013 and I haven’t seen him since, but I work with some of his students at my part time job. Oh yeah, he’s a teacher. Was. This past May he was randomly drug tested and failed. Lost his job, right before his young wife had their baby. One of the many reasons we broke up is because I said I’d never have kids with him as long as he was smoking. I couldn’t trust him with a baby. So now he’s unemployed with an infant.
The weed can catch up with them fast. I’d say get out before you have kids.
Belittling her for her dealbreaker is going to further damage the marriage. It is bad enough he knew that it was a dealbreaker and did it anyway and hid it. To then put her down for having her dealbreaker is even more damaging to the marriage. It says he has no respect for her and will make fun of her for having different beliefs than he does even though he knew all about those beliefs before marriage and seemed to be fine with them. If you believe in the sanctity of marriage you don’t mock or belittle your spouse.
Wow, I stepped away from this for a few days thinking that the comments were done. I was wrong.
I would like to clarify one thing here, under no circumstance do I want to divorce my husband and I was not coming onto the site looking for support to divorce him. I was simply searching for advice. This issue seems to really stump everyone that I approach and no one seems to know the correct way to handle it. It’s as if my husband and I have entered into an argument than cannot settled in favor of either parties. I have a dealbreaker, and drug use isn’t the only one. I chose my husband based on those dealbreakers just like any other person does when their searching for a mate.
Here is the dilemma- I have three choices, two of which he will not agree with and one that would make him incredibly happy.
1. Set boundaries for his usage, and frequency. However I feel like even if I do this, he will still want it every single day and may even continue to do it behind my back.
2. Learn to live with it and risk growing to resent my husband. Living in my home being uncomfortable and bringing children into a situation that I don’t know how to handle. Risking what used to be my picture perfect marriage.
3. Ask him to quit, one more time. Risk him growing to resent me for removing something he cares so much about out of his life. And again, risk him sneaking behind my back to continue using it.
I’m not sure which of these is the best solution. I’m not a controlling wife, and we both have our freedom but we also share a life together. If his freedom effects me than it is no longer just “his” freedom. My husband and I are reading a book now called boundaries in marriage and it brings up some really great points. Once we finish it maybe we will be able to come to some sort of compromise. Thanks for your feedback everyone.
I would really, really, really talk to a professional if I were you, to get advice on how to try to handle this situation with your husband. You obviously know that none of those options is likely to be effective, and that you’re either going to have resentment, or sneaking around and lying, or probably both. Which will erode your marriage over some period of time, like, I don’t know, 2-5 years, and it will probably not be okay. Trying to manage this yourself without talking to a counselor is not a good idea.
Smoking weed is not really a dealbreaker for you. If it were, then you would be willing to, actually feeling you were required to, divorce him if he continues smoking weed. That’s the definition of a deal breaker. Otherwise, it’s just something you really, really don’t like. The point is, if you don’t believe he is going to stop and not resume smoking, and it truly is a dealbreaker for you, then you have to divorce before bringing children into the equation. Either a ‘picture perfect’ marriage with one flaw will meet your long-term needs, or it won’t. You have to decide for yourself. I can tell you that you will search long and far and probably never find a 100% perfect marriage. You must decide what is most important to you. You can only control you. If your husband decides to continue smoking, then your only two choices are stay and accept it or leave. With your one option of negotiating less than daily use, it seems that you have already partially accepted use, so it is not really a bright-line dealbreaker. You have to decide exactly where the farthest possible bright line is: once a day, every other day, weekends only?
Divorce isn’t us saying : whoppie, best thing that could happen! It was us telling you that based on your “dealbreaker” versus human nature( amplified by addiction), then rationally it’s the best choice. Divorce is the most honest and frankly short sharp pain way to go. & then you find a partner who is a better match. Your 3 options aren’t going to work for you. The only one it sort of works for is your husband. But I get the urge to try. I still urge counseling and Al anon for you. Please don’t bring children it to this, though. Good luck.
There is a converse to ‘his freedom isn’t just his freedom if it effects you’, in that your demands and choices also effect him and preferred life.
A big issue is why you are so totally anti-pot. If it’s that it’s illegal, then a compromise may be to move to where it’s legal. If the issue is fear that he will lose his job, then a compromise is for him to give up pot long enough to pass a pre=employment physical for a job which does not involve testing. You don’t say he behaves badly or shirks work when he smokes. I guess another compromise would be to ask him to try anti-anxiety/stress prescription meds and see if he finds one that agrees with him as much as his weed solution. I know some folks are afraid to have any prescription for any ‘mental health’ drug on their medical record, viewing it as a far greater stigma than pot. That’s why so many people with mental ills self treat.
I think you don’t understand the concept of a “deal breaker.” It means you are willing to break the deal (marriage) if behavior doesn’t change.
So, you have exactly one option, since you would never, ever divorce your husband: Make peace with his smoking habits (option 2).
You can’t FORCE him to do anything (options 1 and 3). You’ve already made your feelings known—he isn’t confused or unclear about your opinion of pot use. So, make your peace with being married to a pothead. That’s the only thing you can do.
