- This topic has 46 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by KA.
KateJanuary 28, 2024 at 10:32 am #1127893
Fair, if she’s never been to his house, if he’s always visited her, or they stayed in a hotel etc, it could mean he actually is married or has a serious partner. But if she has been to his place, it doesn’t rule out that he’s shady.KateJanuary 28, 2024 at 11:09 am #1127894
The comment about being introverted is puzzling me too. I don’t see the connection between having an introverted personality type and having a problem sharing details with your boyfriend about your daily life. Maybe you weren’t saying you’re introverted as an explanation for that, but rather an explanation for why he should trust you because you aren’t out and about with people much?
But in a normal serious relationship I think people do tell each other what they’re doing and with who. Like, I’m going to see my mom, or I have to go for drinks with my team Tuesday night, or I’m taking a client out for dinner. Thats normal. If you’re not sharing those details with your boyfriend, it’s NOT because of your personality. It’s because something is off… like, you don’t want to get into it with him and it feels better to not talk about what you’re doing. Or you simply don’t have the kind of serious committed relationship where it even seems to make sense to share details about your day. It’s *somwthing.* but it’s not about being an introvert I don’t think. I think he’s made you feel like there’s something wrong with you. You talk about this like it’s all your problem. It’s not.
I think LW perceives being introverted as a flaw of some sort since there’s active worry that he’ll meet someone extroverted and better at talking. I agree therapy would be a good idea. There seems to be some low self-worth going into the decisions made around this relationship.
I went to dinner two Fridays ago with some girl friends. I told my bf that it was a girl’s night out and which restaurant we were going to. I didn’t share names. When I got home (or maybe the next morning, I can’t recall) he asked me how dinner was. He asked if it was “the whole group” and that’s when I was like, “Oh, no — X was out of town, Y tested positive for COVID, so it ended up being me, A, B, C, and A’s friend D.” He did not freak out. He did not accuse me of being untrustworthy or withholding information. He asked from a place of wanting to know about the night I’d had, not out of suspicion.
At the end of the day, though, someone who is going to be shady is going to be shady. The boyfriend I caught online dating? He had an entire lie planned around where he was one Saturday night — names, locations. He checked in with me throughout the night by text. He’d actually gone to a wedding with another woman and was not, in fact, with Jeff, which I learned because I happened to log into FB at just the right time to see the photos she’d uploaded on my Timeline. I’d trusted him completely, always had details of his alleged whereabouts, he always checked in even by text, my essentials were at his place. He was still shady. Your boyfriend does not trust you. That’s what matters to me here. It doesn’t matter if you’re not actually doing anything that warrants suspicion. If there’s no trust (after two years, no less) this isn’t going to work.
ETA: It also seems you do not trust him if you actively worry that he’s met someone more extroverted and have even asked him to just tell you if he has.
I probably didn’t explain well. The husband and I tell each other about our days. But let’s say he’s at work and decides to eat lunch with a friend. He doesn’t text or call or e—mail prior to say “I’m going out with a friend for lunch. I’ll be an hour.”
Another example – he has an activity every Sunday in the burbs. If a friend asked me to brunch Sunday morning after he has left, I wouldn’t contact him first and check in. I’d only tell him if I knew I wouldn’t be home around the time he usually comes home so he doesn’t worry. Sure, I’d tell him later, but I wouldn’t check in prior.
It sounds like this dude wants the LW to check in before doing anything. She doesn’t need to do that. That’s not normal.
And then he gets mad at her and makes her feel bad if she doesn’t. That’s controlling.
So yes, sharing your life is good. Reporting every move, such as leaving your house with who and when, is not good.
I also don’t tell him every single time I run an errand. Sure, maybe he sees that I ran to CVS but I don’t feel the need to tell him that I left the house between 1:00 and 1:30 to pick up toothpaste.
KateJanuary 28, 2024 at 1:24 pm #1127901
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by ktfran.
I probably would text my husband under those circumstances (like he’s out rowing and something comes up where I’m going out). That said, we have a dog. So I’d send a quick text saying what im doing and when I last took the dog out. Or if a happy hour situation comes up at work and I’ll be home later than expected. NOT if I was already out at the office and a lunch came up.
My bf likes to golf in the summers as much as he can. He typically goes with his friends in the suburbs so if it’s an early tee time, he leaves early. They’ll usually grab a bite to eat together after, he’s often not home until like 4 p.m. I’ll usually text even after he’s gone if I end up doing something. He’ll usually send a pic from the golf course and that’s when I’ll be like, “Looks like a great day! I’m doing X.” And yes, we also have to communicate around the dog’s potty schedule, so maybe I’d ask when he thinks he’ll be home if I’m deciding if I can stay out or need to head home. Neither of us needs to know specific information about the other’s whereabouts just for the sake of knowing. Checking in is normal and I’m sure all couples have their groove. Monitoring is not. Knowing the names of who your partner is out with or the bar they’re at does not mean the difference between trusting or not. Visiting someone’s home does not make them trustworthy or preclude them from being shady.
Last March I went out to brunch with my girl friends and told my boyfriend I thought I’d be home by 2 or 3. Our server brought us free shots twice. It turned into an unplanned bar crawl. I finally came home drunk at like 8. I’m sure I texted a bit throughout the day. He probably did his own thing that day, I can’t remember. He wasn’t mad that I “lied” about the original plan. He made me a chicken nugget platter and LOLed as I told him about the younger bartender who told my friend that our group of champagne-drunk-at-4 p.m. 30-somethings reminded him of his mom.KateJanuary 28, 2024 at 2:14 pm #1127903
Yeah what everyone is describing here is normal couple interactions. You don’t demand details like the guy in the post is doing unless something is extremely dysfunctional or abusive and/or there’s no trust. And what I was trying to say earlier is like, why would you be in a relationship for *six years* where you don’t just have this normal groove of keeping each other in the loop on what you’re doing? Like just as normal sharing? If there’s no need to know, and no natural impulse to share, or worse you’re withholding info because he’s going to get on your case, then why are you even still in that relationship?The person with this concernJanuary 28, 2024 at 3:51 pm #1127904
Hello everyone. I really appreciate your advice. There are a few things that I need to clarify. I’m 28 and he’s 29. I’ve never been to his house before, we live in two different countries and it’s been difficult for me to get a Visa. He does give me updates on his daily life and he does tell me when he’s going out. He lives with his roommates who are all men and he spends most of his time working so I don’t think he has a girlfriend there and I don’t wanna believe that he’s in another LDR because that would be just ridiculous.
When I talk about being an introvert, I mean that I haven’t been able to develop good communication and social skills. I thought mentioning it would be relevant to the issue in case people wanted to know a bit more about me.
I admit that reading all the responses made me think differently and I started noticing the things he says more and respond to them differently for example if he says something that I don’t like I immediately tell him…etc
I’m more accepting of the idea that this man could not be the right one, so I’m gonna start focusing on myself more, practice my hobbies and go out more and spend more time with my friends and family.The person with this concernJanuary 28, 2024 at 3:55 pm #1127905
Also I don’t know where people got 6 and 8 years from. But as I mentioned in my previous post, we’ve been together for 2 years.KateJanuary 28, 2024 at 4:00 pm #1127906
He’s 29 and living with a bunch of roommates… How realistic is it that he’d be able to marry you and settle down? And I don’t think it means much that he talks about that with you. I’ve seen some suuuper messed up situations like a guy is still married and cheating on his wife, but talks about having kids and buying houses with his girlfriend. You’ve spent almost your whole 20s, certainly your whole adult life so far with this guy and it hasn’t progressed. It’s still stuck in neutral and it looks like it’s running out of gas. If you truly want marriage and kids you have to move on.KateJanuary 28, 2024 at 4:02 pm #1127907
Oh ok I don’t know where I got 6 years from, sorry. Still! Time to move on.