My obese husband wants a divorce b/c I don't "love" his body.
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Fodor, call me all the names you want. Fact is the the morbidly obese, Mr. Entitlement, I hope soon to be ex, is the one that can not stand even overweight people, much less someone obese or morbidly obese. I give you an F in critical thinking.
BGM —
We don’t know how husband will fare dating, post-divorce. I’ll also guess that he’s going to have a difficult go of it, but… that doesn’t matter, he has decided to take his chances over staying in a bad, unhappy marriage with LW, a woman who sees all the manifest problems in their marriage, including pretty much loathing her husband, as no reason to end the marriage. I take the husband’s side on that one. I’d rather be alone than continue to live with LW. The way she thinks and writes about her husband mean that she would grind his self-esteem into unhappy dust. His leaving really is simple self preservation. What I don’t grasp is why, feeling as she does, she wants to cling to this unhappy marriage.Posters who revile the obese husband wound up telling her to just dump him and get out. That’s certainly what a reasonable person would do in her position. The whole point of her original post is that she didn’t want to divorce. Before all our side chatter, that was her issue: it wasn’t fair for him to end the marriage — there was insufficient cause.
LW has written nothing to indicate that her husband is an idiot. I’m quite sure he doesn’t expect an easy time finding dates. Yet, he chooses to leave. Tells us a lot about the state of the marriage as viewed from his side. He was in counseling to save the marriage, until he learned the truth about how LW views him. She says this crushed him.
Oracle —
And what you refuse to understand is that he did not willingly marry and obese person. She did. She changed her standards, because when he yo-yoed but got back to the same weight as when they dated/married, she says she wasn’t attracted to him.
Everyone likes whom they like. That’s not entitlement at all, that’s just who they are. Now, if he persistently hits on thin women, who have told him they aren’t interested, and gets all bent out of shape by the rejection and joins incel, because he deserves the woman of his dreams — now that’s entitlement. He sought a thin woman and married a thin woman who accepted him as he was, or at least claimed to. That’s not entitlement. I truly think she found him to be a guy whom she like for everything except the weight, and thought that could be fixed and she’d have a real find. Strangely she talks not at all about doing anything to help him get/stay fit. She married ‘perfect, except…’. Wendy gets a lot of letters from such women.
Fyodor, call me all the names you want. The fact is morbidly obese, Mr. Entitlement, I hope soon to be ex, is the one that does not like even overweight, much less obese and morbidly obese people. I give you an F in critical thinking.
Oracle —
Fyodor didn’t call you any names, despite your repeated claim that he did. Repetition doesn’t equal truth. That’s the Trump approach. I admit that it seems to work surprisingly well.Who says the husband wants to date again and thinks he’s going to have a bunch of skinny chicks throwing themselves at him?
All we know is that he wants a divorce because his wife makes him feel like a hideous piece of crap who doesn’t deserve to be touched.
Oracle only thinks the wife is right. He/she has no answer as to why this husband should be forced to stick in a marriage like that.
Ron, as I read it I am bad and selfish person. Maybe he didn’t mean it that way but that’s the way I read it. Also Rudy Tuesday said I was shallow and valid. Have not figured out how valid is suppose to mean here and I guess it’s a typing or spelling mistake. Personally I enjoy having Trump call people out. Nice that it’s just not one side that thinks they can get away it, as they have been for years. And now I know I am really going to get it. But that’s OK.
I don’t know you, and don’t know if you’re shallow. But your, I think, fairly characterized belief that fat people are presumptively bad people for being fat, is I think pretty awful.
If you read it again, he didn’t say you were selfish and bad, he said you think fat people are selfish and bad on top of being gross
What weird messaging — that a person shouldn’t end a bad relationship if they aren’t likely to get another one. Totally opposite of what we normally say here.
Yesterday, the New York Times published an op-ed after the CDC released new data on the rate of obesity in the United States. The CDC found that four out of ten adults, and two out of ten children, are clinically obese. From the New York Times:
Seventy percent of American adults are at least overweight, and body weight is strongly influenced by biology; we can’t blame individuals and expect personal responsibility to solve the problem. Instead, we need the government to pass a suite of policy changes to encourage healthy diets
Earlier this morning, I went back through the thread. One sentence in particular really stood out to me:
This was someone that did not care how unhappy I was and was not even trying to make things better.
Couldn’t the same be said about the OP, @oracle? Those are your own words, after all. She knew BEFORE she married him that she wasn’t sexually attracted to him and found their sexual relationship “bland” and “boring.” She described her marriage with him as “just going through the motions.” When he confronted her years later about her feelings, she said her confession that she was not attracted to his body “broke his spirit.” What has OP done to repair the marriage other than agree to counseling? Sometimes, counseling just isn’t enough. It is not enough for the husband. Her husband deserves a chance to find a partner fully engaged in all aspects of marriage.
The crux of the issue in the original post is not whether OP is justified in her lack of sexual attraction to her husband. She has every right to be honest about her feelings, but her husband is equally justified in wanting to ending the marriage. While every state now allows parties to dissolve their marriage without assigning fault, failure to have sex with a spouse who wants affection is considered desertion and can still be valid grounds for divorce in some states. A sexless marriage is not a dealbreaker for OP, but it’s a deal breaker for her husband.
In the end, the only questions OP asked were what she should do, if she was a huge jerk, and if she had misled her husband. If his weight gain was a dealbreaker for her sex life before he marriage, she should not have married him.
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/09/opinion/cost-diabetes-obesity-budget.html
