Sleeping with the Dog
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and I moved in with him almost a year ago. He has a very large dog that weighs 150 lbs and he is very attached to her, insisting she sleep on our bed. He also likes to cuddle. i do not enjoy cuddling all night long; we used to when things were new, but I just cannot sleep that way and I need some space to adjust throughout the night.
I’ve tried countless solutions to my sleeping problem and much to his dismay I believe the best solution is to get the dog off the bed so we can cuddle for a little while and then i have space to move away when it’s time to really fall asleep. He is not okay with this; he thinks I am being picky and difficult. He has now resorted to sleeping in a separate bedroom, saying that it’s because I don’t want him with me. I just don’t want his dog with me.
I don’t know what else to do but I cannot live my life anymore without quality sleep.I think there are people who sleep with dogs and those who don’t. Now this is much more difficult with a large dog. Both of our dogs sleep with us but they are under 10lbs. Best case, he gets a bit enough bed for both of his women and himself.
Is it worth breaking up over? Obviously you can’t go without sleep. I can’t tell how he is reacting to the situation. I don’t think you can force yourself into this working out for you but he might have equal trouble falling asleep without the sound of heavy breathing or the counter pressure of being squished or he may have trouble fully relaxing throughout his night schedule because he’s on edge about involuntarily sleep cuddling. It might be better for you both if he sleeps with the dog in a different room. But if you feel that is too distancing and leaves you wanting more snuggle time than you get perhaps you are simply incompatible. It’s fine to try different things. Maybe because you slept in this situation when things were fresh he thought you could eventually readjust, but you may just have different sleep needs that won’t work together.
I have to be honest: any partner of mine is going to have to be fine with my dog sleeping on the bed with us. She’s been sleeping in the bed with me every day for her entire life (almost 11 years). She’s outlasted many boyfriends, and it would 100% be a dealbreaker for me if a man wouldn’t let her sleep on the bed.
That said, she’s 7lbs so she’s extremely unobtrusive and when a man is in the bed she sleeps on my side with me. In fact, I actually upgraded from a full to a queen to have more space for 3 of us rather than 2 (which only happens every once in awhile but still).
I agree with JD: the best solution is to get a california king so you can all sleep there together. Could you suggest this to him and maybe go in with him on paying for it?
He should not be forcing you to cuddle. If you can’t sleep that way, you can’t sleep that way, and it’s got nothing to do with wanting him with you. Needing sleep is not being picky or difficult. He is responding in an irrational, childish way. You two should be able to compromise here, with so many minutes of cuddling followed by moving apart for actual sleep. Are you unable to sleep with the dog there, or could you handle the dog on the bed if you two upgraded to larger bed? Even if he were willing to have the dog sleep on the floor, it could be extremely difficult to train the dog to do so.
Can you see a couples counselor about this? Maybe a third party could open his eyes to how unreasonable he’s being. Honestly, if this is how he handles conflict, that’s not a good sign. Does he always take things personally when they’re not? That would be an exhausting. If this is a pattern for him, I’d personally get out of this relationship.
You don’t say how big the bed is, but it would have to be a king sized bed to have remotely enough room for a dog that’s literally the size of an adult human. Can you get a king? Or is there another room– maybe you guys can sleep separately for awhile?
Are you otherwise caring and nice to the dog? I think it’s a lot easier to make the argument that there isn’t room for the dog in bed if you are otherwise nice to his dog. If you’re not then this can come off like the latest crusade of a dog-hater. (For the record, I’m a dog lover but my dog doesn’t sleep in our bed because he’s big and rude and I also am a fan of quality sleep. But if he knows you don’t like the dog then it can seem like more of the same)
I think its very reasonable to draw the line at quality sleep. Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to listen to reason or buy a bigger bed then maybe this relationship isn’t for you.
Or if a California King wouldn’t help keep them on their side, perhaps a split bed/sleep number/ or two bed combo might do the trick? Could the physical partitioning of the mattresses keep the dog and master on their side?
This doesn’t sound good. He’s not sympathetic to your sleep needs, which is f’d up. He should want you to be happy and comfortable. A normal person can understand that their partner needs space to sleep and can’t cuddle all night. A person with issues makes it about him and goes and sleeps in the other room. Is everything great with you two otherwise, or not really? The solution may be a really big bed so you can have your own space, but this dog is the size of a person, so I don’t even know if that would work. Is he willing to even try it??
YOU’RE being picky and difficult? You’ve gotta be kidding me. He hasn’t come up with anything that even meets you halfway — “must cuddle, must have dog in bed” — and yet you say that YOU have a sleeping problem. No, HE has a compromise problem. Unbelievable.
I’m curious what else you’ve tried and I’m trying to figure out how getting the dog out of bed allows for the cuddle time compromise. If you don’t have room to sleep with the dog in bed that’s one thing but I really am not getting how that relates to cuddling all night vs a few minutes. Am I just missing something?
I’m another one that the dog in bed is a dealbreaker for me. He’s part of the family, he sleeps with us. If my husband didn’t like it well…he wouldn’t have become my husband.
Yeah -I was a bit sympathetic to him because the dog has been used to sleeping in bed (and will feel punished) and you allowed cuddling for a while but not now. However, unlike dogs he has the power of speech and being all pouty and “if you won’t sleep the way I want to sleep then I guess you don’t love me enough” is a pretty fucking big red flag in my book.
Does he do similar things during other arguments? If he wants Italian and you want Chinese – do you always give in because “I guess I don’t get Italian because it upsets you” or shit like that?
“he thinks I am being picky and difficult.”
He is being a selfish idiot. This dumb fuck thinks his desire to cuddle with Fido matters (reasonable), and your desire to get a good night’s sleep doesn’t matter (unreasonable).
There are options if he wants to sleep with his dog. You can sleep in different rooms or get two beds, Leave-it-to-Beaver style. And if he can’t get cheerfully onboard with a plan that allows you to sleep, I think you should break up.
Just imagine having a newborn, and dealing with this level of selfish stupidity. Hell. No.
