Sleeping with the Dog
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Yeah, this situation is a little different in my opinion because normal people make adjustments to accommodate people they love. The OP probably thought she’d get used to it once she was there every night, and if she didn’t they’d figure it out. That’s pretty normal. What’s not normal is him not giving a shit if she sleeps, and not trying to get the dog to move to a bed or something. The guy doesn’t seem like he really cares about her, and if there were signs of that before they moved in, well, mistake. But I think saying he shouldn’t have to try to work on this with her because “she knew” is kinda weird imo.
this is really not a bait and switch on my part. like i said for several years i tried to deal with it and was never silent about the issue. I had a place of my own to sleep at, and it worked okay then, but now that i don’t have my own place and i live with him and have been sleeping this way every night for months, it’s gotten to a point that i can’t deal.
additionally, since i moved in with him, i have begun night classes for a masters degree and also suffered an injury requiring surgery. My sleeping habits have changed since those two things happened. I am more stressed out and more tired, and i cannot sleep in as many positions as i could before because of sensitivity/pain to certain areas.
You would think that if a person loves you and wants you to move in and share their home, and maybe start a family someday, they would be able to work with you when things change as they do.
I’m actually appalled that so many of you think it should be as simple as for me to just move out because “that’s how it was and you should have known better” rather than thinking that this person who apparently has loved me for 3 years would grow to sympathize with me and help me out here.
I’ve got a quite a lot of thinking to do here i guess.Right, that’s the other thing, life changes all the time. Things happen. You have to be able to problem-solve as a couple and find solutions.
I *dont* think this guy would be a good choice to settle down and have kids with. He needs to be willing to budge and make adjustments for your happiness, your kids’ happiness.
Again, is this literally the only thing, or if you’re honest is it more than this?
I agree with Kate. I don’t think a life partner can be someone who refuses to find a middle ground that works for both. The one thing that is guaranteed in life is that things change. Kids certainly change things and you have to both be able to try to find a workable solution. If one of you can’t do that I don’t see how your relationship could last long term.
This isn’t difficult, LW. Your BF believes that it’s more important to sleep in the bed with the dog than with you. We can all argue all day about who is the “asshole” here, but it doesn’t really matter. Assigning blame changes nothing. He’s not going to change and neither are you. To him, dumping the dog in the floor is less palatable than being dumped by you. Can’t say I wouldn’t feel the same re my dog, in general, but for the right person, maybe? Clearly, you’re not that person for him. MOA.
Don’t be appalled at the random internet strangers having an opinion that you do not agree with. Everyone’s got an opinion and sometimes there will be ones that are different than yours. That’s a given.
Be appalled that your bf, who you assumed loved and cared for you-doesn’t actually. And move out. Break up. Because trying to smooth this over will lead to bigger and bigger disappointments down the line. He’s using a tactic right now to wear you down again.
I don’t know if there are other red flags, but this entire issue is a huge one and I don’t think you are going to come to an agreeable compromise because at the root of it, he doesn’t care about your wellbeing. You have an injury? Work nights or late shifts and he’s still dead set on this? It’s unbelievable to the point of maybe he’s trying to edge you out of more than the bed. He isn’t showing you love or care.
1. The guy sounds like a jerk.
2. I can sympathize with the cuddling thing. I like to cuddle but can’t sleep cuddled.
3. I think that sleeping in separate bedrooms isn’t the end of the world if it comes to that. People sometimes have incompatible sleep habits. It sounds like there are larger problems though with his ability to compromise.
4. HOF* who sleeps in the bed with us snores like a monster truck getting sucked into a giant compactor.
*Hound of Fyodor
I’m still just boggling at the idea of two adult humans and a Great Dane sleeping in a queen-size bed! (Or a double- there’s NO WAY it’s a double, that would be pure torture.) My husband and I are both fairly slender, and when our 45lb kid climbs into our queen with us, it’s TIGHT. I seriously cannot fathom sleeping with another adult and a 150lb hellbeast in a queen bed every night. I can’t believe your bf won’t admit it’s a problem, especially in light of your medical issues. Not great.
Lissel, what have your talks about this looked like so far? Does he know how much this is impacting your health and sanity? Have you discussed alternative sleeping arrangements? Are separate beds an option? It might be worth one sit-down where you spell out how this is a Big Deal and will be changing one way or another (him adjusting/you moving out). His response will tell you a lot. This is worth making a big deal about – sleep is everything when it comes to physical and mental health!
I think everyone is rightly peeved on your behalf. However, we’re pointing out that you moved in with an established pattern, so it’s not surprising that you’d be facing resistance. However, you’ve added additional context – not cuddling perhaps because the positions are more painful is a HUGE change that should be taken into account.
What people are asking (and you have not answered) is whether or not this type of behavior is a pattern? Do you ask for something and if it doesn’t line up with his needs, does your need go unmet? You’re stressed, in pain and tired, and yet – this argument is all about his need to cuddle and have a great dane in the bed. If he doesn’t get his way, he can still sleep can’t he? If he needs that weight of cuddle, he could get one of those weighted blankets. He has tried nothing other than being a pouty little baby man.
