Talking to a married man, am I wrong?
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You’re getting so much push back, because people have told you over and over again what’s going on here, and you refuse to listen, and keep making excuses, so good advice then turns in to tough love, because you aren’t listening. Ron hit the nail on the head. This guy went from text to snapchat to set up the transition to sexual stuff, and photos, and when the guy started getting more intimate he didn’t get the reaction he was looking for from you so he is now backing of, and probably pulling the slow fade on you to try it with somebody else. Can you honestly think of any other reason why this guy would go from text to snapchat? And honestly don’t lie, we’ve all been there with texting with somebody, when you do it all day, it does take away from your life somewhat.
OMG. FINE! You’re right, everyone is wrong, go about your business. Happy now? I am so exhausted with people asking for advice they don’t wish to hear.
It’s also not just the act of texting / chatting and how much time it takes. It’s the mental and emotional energy that’s being diverted from your partner and your marriage, and that’s very real. As a teen or early-20s woman with little relationship experience under your belt, you may not get that, but we do.
Would you honestly be fine with your bf texting another women all day, everyday? Put it into perspective. Even if you are spending time with a friend and they are constantly on their phone, it’s rude.
You might think it’s not your responsibility, but if you consider yourself a mature and fairly moral person, starting a companionship with someone who is married or in a relationship, with someone you admittedly are attracted to, it’s wrong. You can claim it’s not, and you don’t see the problem, but it is and you do- otherwise you wouldn’t have written in.
Yeah, it’s not exactly right what you are doing. More, it’s not exactly getting you much in return either. PS – yes! You sure do seem naive! You are far too trusting in your belief that a stranger on the internet has no reason to lie. Hah. Often they have plenty of reasons…
I assumed we made the transition because it was just easier honestly. He’s never insinuated anything sexual or flirty so I didn’t see a problem with it. I can see looking back that texting someone all day might not be the most appropriate. My life is still going on smoothly and I assumed his was too.
I can admit my fault in this, being there to listen to him vent about his wife was wrong 100%. I think because my intentions are harmless that it absolves me of my wrongdoings, but I can see how thats not the truth. I figured these feelings are not very strong, and they’re one sided so its fine but thats not right. Putting things into perspective yes if this was my boyfriend I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him talking to someone else all day everyday.
I really enjoy talking to him, but that’s not a good enough reason to continue. I’m going to do my best to slowly distance myself, I really am. We haven’t spoken today. I’m really hoping he just does it himself honestly, hopefully he stops answering me because I’m not going to chase him. But if thats not the case i’ll try me best to do what needs to be done.
I know a part of me didn’t want to hear this, or confirm what the back of my head already knew. I feel pretty shitty right now I won’t lie, but this is what was needed to tell me because my friends wouldn’t tell me this. Thanks for the reality check everyone.It sounds to me like maybe you are both a little lonely, and looking for some emotional intimacy that neither of you are getting enough of right now. You because of your ex (or unrequited interest?) and him because he evidently has issues in his marriage. Which really, is understandable.
What feels wrong is that by sharing so much of his wife’s issues and expressing his opinions on them, he has basically confided really personal things to a virtual stranger (and no matter how often you communicate, only knowing someone a few months IRL doesn’t make them a close friend – let alone online).
You’re not a bad person at all – and I don’t think it’s just attention-seeking. I think you have both been looking for some kind of a connection with a sympathetic human being. But now you are (both?) realizing that this particular connection isn’t very healthy for either of you.
You can do a slow fade or just let it go if you think he is doing one. If you want a cleaner break, just tell him that hey, you like talking to him about (innocent topic), but you think maybe the personal confidences have gone too far and you’d like to step away for a bit.
I think if you go the route that he’ll do the fade and just stop messaging that it will prolong your own stress and feelings over the situation. It would really be better for you if you just blocked him and carried on with your life. Sending him a message explaining seems over dramatic considering he’s fading himself out anyways. If you blocked him, he’d get the message easy.
More like unrequited interest. I think you’re right about just wanting emotional intimacy truly. He’s gotten really personal with me and shared that he hasn’t been happy in his marriage in a while but they haven’t been married very long really. I didn’t like him sharing that information, and I really wish that he didn’t. It’s been weird since then and that was like a week or so ago. I would like to explain that to him really, but I do feel like that would just be a little overdramatic. I don’t want to more into this and then he comes at me like he didn’t think it was a big deal. Just abruptly not answering him doesn’t feel right either. Like I said I wish he would be the one to do say what he’s thinking, or just don’t answer my message. Regardless I know this needs to end now, before there’s more time and feelings into it. I needed this reality check really.
“He’s never insinuated anything sexual or flirty so I didn’t see a problem with it.”
But he did insinuate the sexual. If he is interested only in a platonic electronic pen pal, with whom he can chat about events and things of interest, then he probably doesn’t bring up the open marriage thing at all (whether or not he really is in an open marriage) and he certainly doesn’t talk about his wife’s problems or his marital problems, even in generalities and certainly not specifically. This was him telling you that he’s free to engage in a sexual relationship with you and a bit of a beg for a mercy fuck.
I’m sure you confused him a bit by neither shutting this stuff down as inappropriate or rising to his invitation. You treated it as something which just zoomed over your head. Perhaps it truly did.
So, yes, block him. The way to end it is to send no more messages and change your settings so that you can’t receive any more messages from him. That’s not rude, that’s a necessity and sends him the clearest message possible. That’s a message you should have sent the instant he started complaining about his wife and marriage. If he’s already in an open marriage, he should be able to fill his missing needs with the other woman on his side of the open marriage. Whoops, he doesn’t have another woman — that was supposed to be your role. You don’t want to fill that role, so clean break — no apologies, no explanations, no last messages, just gone. Trust me, he’ll understand. He’ll know why.
You keep posting again and again: can’t you just cut back the frequency of your on-line contacts (no, this has gone way too far for that), can’t you just be more vigilant about boundaries (no, what would be the point, he’s already crossed any reasonable boundary), can’t you just taper down the messages to avoid being rude (rude is better than cruel and I suspect the taper will never reach zero), what can you do to feel 1005 a good person (clean break now and don’t look back).
I feel like he mentioned the open marriage, and then let you know how bad his marriage is, as a way to gauge how interested you are in him. It seems you didn’t react to the way he was looking for, so he’s moving on. He was opening a door to see if you would take it to the next level and you didn’t. Guys don’t just go around telling other women they never met on snapchat that they are they are in an open relationship in a failing marriage, that’s all just a setup.
Totally agree with Bagge, and also they didn’t meet on Snapchat, they met on some advice site and then he took it to snapchat to show her a pic of his tattoo.
This LW is particularly young, naive, and dense, and didn’t pick up on any of that.
