Toxic or normal
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I didn’t advocate her cutting her cousin off. I said she should lose the jealous bf.
I just don’t want to hear about “god made cousins so you don’t hook up your sisters.” That’s really disturbing and I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t said.
I’m not defending it. I’m defending my boyfriend and his view. I’m not at all agreeing it’s right, and the fact that that’s a motto in Brasil grossed me out as well, but from his pov, and what he was raised knowing I can’t say I 100% don’t see where he is coming from.
If this is all above board and normal in the culture he was raised in, why the jealousy and demanding you cut your cousin off? If there is no ick factor present for him, what’s the big deal about one kiss with someone years before you even started dating? That shouldn’t be a big deal, even if you and that person become good friends down the road. Are you the one commenting as @Anon explaining why the cousin could be a perceived threat and saying the boyfriend has a right to choose who is in his life?
@Anonymousse I believe @bloddymediocrity was talking to @Anon, who has given some really bonkers advice in this thread, not you.
There are very, very few situations where it would be considered justifiable and not controlling to ask a partner to cut someone off – like if you were married and had had an affair and that was something your husband needed you to do in order to consider counselling to repair your marriage – but this situation is not one of them.
Yes, Anon is carrying some weird baggage but s/he is right about one thing: like anyone, your bf is allowed to, actually required to for his own wellbeing, to set whatever deal-breakers make sense to him. What this really says is that he and you are not a match, since his deal-breaker seems one that you can’t and shouldn’t comply with.
“Neither of them have made had any real romantic overtures after the one kiss. Would you still advocate for her to cut the friend out of her life to appease a jealous boyfriend?”
The boyfriend doesn’t know that, and neither do you. Most people lie.
If we could be sure she’s telling the truth, I’d say if he is likely to become her hisband and have a whole family with her, I would not tell her to sacrifice her husband and whole family just to remain friends with the guy we’re pretending is not her cousin. People who won’t prioritize their marriage and family are probably headed for divorce.
Immediate family takes priority over extended family.
Yes Ron, I have “weird” baggage. I was cheated on or nearly cheated on by multiple people who trusted questionable situations. One got molested after I warned them not to go with the friend they said they trusted, and I was aggressively pursued/chased and sexually assaulted by a married woman who I thought was a saint. So yes, weird baggage. But I’ve learned a thing or too from it all.
He’s not her husband though, and they don’t have kids. There is no reason for her to prioritize an imaginary future that might not even happen over an *actual* family member who she has a good relationship with.
I’m sorry that happened to you, @Anon, but it’s skewing your advice here in a way that could be harmful to the OP. Also, accusing her of lying is uncalled for; we take people at their word here unless and until they prove untrustworthy.
As others have said, if the bf can’t handle the situation, there’s nothing wrong with leaving, but it’s absolutely controlling and a red flag to ask her to cut a family member out of her life in this situation.
@Anon LW literally said nothing more happened than a kiss. I’m sorry for your baggage/past, I know we all draw from our own experiences when responding, but the situations you’ve been through don’t really sound all that similar to this and yet you’re still doubling down on this idea that the cousin is a threat.
They’re not married. The cousin is literally family.
@copa @lucidity I’m not saying the op is lying, and I don’t want to say the cousin is necessarily a threat. I believe in platonic relationships. But it is very relevant to understand her bf’s point of view. And he obviously is not trusting the situation… enough to walk away. He feels like this guy is a threat. And we can’t just say he’s delusional because of our own views or situations. Just like you think I’m just using my own view. I’m saying, don’t just use your own view. How the bf thinks and feels is paramount in this situation. All I’m really saying is we shouldn’t be treating the guy like he’s just screwed up in the head. His concern may be legitimate. He knows her, and the family more than we do, and he knows himself, and what he’s able to deal with. Just saying the guy is wrong is not necessarily the answer or true. The guy might be right to be concerned. My life that I stated is just evidence that things do happen, so we can’t act like there’s no risk, and he’s just some jerk she needs to escape from.
For the billionth time, if he’s uncomfortable that’s valid and he can end the relationship. His feelings aren’t the issue. His controlling behavior is.
Also FWIW, I think a lot of regular commenters have dealt with shady exes, cheating, controlling partners, abusive behaviors, etc. We know things do happen.
@Copa I think the last post by @WhyDoWeExist? is a really great point to consider. Bf may not just honestly be saying “this is a deal breaker for me.” This is prob whg this is a tough issue for op. If he was just a jerk or control freak, it would be an easy answer: leave the no good guy. But she’s here saying she doesn’t know what to do.
