Toxic or normal
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Good lord, yes, I have dealt with a lot of bad exes, and still if a man is telling a woman who she can or can not spend time with the proper advice is to tell the guy to hit the road, @anon.
Stop blaming whatever happened to you for you very skewed, very one sided advice. Your personal experience being cheated on is not relevant here. And, it’s bad advice to tell women to stay with a man or men who go through their personal devices and limit who they can see, including family and friends. Maybe you shouldn’t be giving advice so much and instead should be seeking help for your personal issues, which you seem to be taking out on this poster.
@Anonymousse
What “advice” are you talking about that I gave? Can you quote me giving said advice?Offering a perspective is not giving advice. Now if I told you that you shouldn’t be on here gaslighting people and spewing false accusations, then that would qualify as giving advice, but I didn’t do that.
@anonymousse I think you should read the OP again. She didn’t say she had a controlling and jealous boyfriend; you said that.
You also said “I also don’t think it’s right to go through your phone without your permission or tell you who you can or can’t see.” But again, the OP didn’t say that. She didn’t say he went through her phone without her permission. You said that. And I don’t think the OP said that he told her who she can and can’t see, but that he doesn’t see himsrlf staying if she does. That’s not the se thing as telling someone what to do. Sounds like he’s only telling her what he doesn’t think he’s going to do. There’s a difference.
She said she’s defending her bf, so in her judgment, he’s at least worth defending, despite what you’re saying about her and him.
You’re telling her and him how disgusting they are, and telling her to leave him, when she clearly doesn’t want to, makes you sound like you might be the jealous and controlling one here.
She came here for help, and to feel better, not worse.
Speaking of not making OP feel worse, this u?
“You messed up, not him. And 4-5 years is not that long ago, and maybe it was really only 3.5 years, and maybe it really happened twice but you’re counting it as once because it was the same day. Maybe three times 20 minutes apart, or 20 hours apart, but you’re counting it as once as long as it all happened within a 24 hourish period = you kissed one day = you kissed once upon a time = you kissed once. And kissing often involves other touching. Did you leave that detail out? Your bf doesn’t know, at this point.
I don’t want it said that I said she should stay with the guy. She absolutely shouldn’t. All I was saying was that he might not be the complete villain some have painted him to be. If he can’t deal that’s his issue, but at the same I think if asked he is allowed to tell her why he thinks things won’t work.
“Bf may not just honestly be saying “this is a deal breaker for me.” This is prob whg this is a tough issue for op. If he was just a jerk or control freak, it would be an easy answer: leave the no good guy. But she’s here saying she doesn’t know what to do.”
You’re right, @Anon, OP loves and misses this guy, enough to initially agree to cutting off her cousin. But now she’s having second thoughts. She doesn’t know what to do because she’s young and this is likely the first time she’s dealt with someone giving her an ultimatum like this. She hasn’t learned to listen to her gut yet, but she knows it’s telling her something.
Most people on here have been in bad relationships, have been cheated on, what have you. We’ve learned that when something makes you go “hold up, this doesn’t feel right,” you should listen to that instinct. That’s what we’re telling OP. If the bf is uncomfortable with her relationship with her cousin, it’s his prerogative to leave and good for him for recognizing that this doesn’t work for him. We’re saying that OP shouldn’t ignore her instincts and agree to something she says she doesn’t want in order to keep him.
Sure, he might be a good guy and there’s a good chance he doesn’t intend to be controlling or recognize that behaviours like reading her messages (with or without permission!) and asking her to cut people out of her life are problematic, but that doesn’t make them okay.
I KNEW anonymousse was jealous of LW’s cousin and wanted to control this situation!
@Anon You’re the one not taking the facts as they are presented, calling this man her husband, saying she kissed the cousin while with the boyfriend, doubling down on how more than just one kiss must’ve happened, describing the cousin as “hot” and “fine ass.” All because you were cheated on once and *nearly* cheated on a second time in totally unrelated ways? Just, no. Give advice for the situation as presented or not at all. I know we all read between the lines or make assumptions when something isn’t clear, but you really took off with what must’ve happened in your responses.Honestly I think everyone said something that really is an eye opener. I honestly still don’t know what to do, because I’ve been in a toxic relationship before and this isn’t it. My boyfriend really is a good guy, and it’s not like this instant jealousy came at once. It’s been ongoing ever since my cousin arrived and he’s been keeping his cool, but as someone mentioned he has the right to leave if it’s getting to the point of not being able to handle.
I spoke to my cousin, I told him my priority is my relationship with my boyfriend but I can’t just cut him out. Boundaries were put in place, and I know this isn’t the last of this situation, and it’s gonna be a long haul to try and keep them both, but ultimately they’re both worth a try. Is this me being the toxic/selfish one?
I think you need to part with your bf. Honestly I don’t think this is something you should compromise. I understand and to some degree empathize with him. But being with him simply doesn’t seem possible to me. If you can’t understand than I think you have deeper problems and should consult a therapist.
