Uncle or father? I don't want him to be her dad. I need advice.
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You need to wake up and see your son for who he is. He didn’t get mixed up in the wrong crowd- He is the wrong crowd. Alcohol is no excuse for abuse or domestic assault. I see you’re still blaming anyone and anything you can for your children’s own choices and behavior.
Months ago, when you wrote in, we told you that you need to find a therapist. I even linked a site that searches for low or no cost mental health care. Find a grief support group. Months have gone by, and finally you’ve come around to see that your son will not be a good father or role model. Why haven’t you made any concrete steps to address these issues? The internet advice boards are not going to effectively fix your problems. You need real help.
Stop meddling. Stop pressing for another dna test or anything else. Just stop.
I get drunk and I skin my knee, true story, last weekend. Your son gets drunk and beats people. That doesn’t make him a good person. His shit personality just hides until he drinks. Good people don’t have a drink and beat people.
Yeah, seriously, alcohol doesn’t make a good person hit their partner. You are grossly misinformed. I may have side-eyed a partner or made a cutting remark when drinking or been a pain in the ass, but I never hit anyone. You know who hits women when they drink? ABUSERS.
Tiffani won’t learn until her granddaughter has a black eye because she irritated daddy.
Actually, even then—she’ll probably think the little girl had it coming.
People like Tiffani make me sick.
OMG, I’ve had it.
Your son is NOT a good person. A good person, when finding that they had hurt their partner while drunk, WOULD STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY. Your son is a grown man who chooses to drink. The “crowd” he’s running with doesn’t make him drink. It doesn’t make him hit women. Those are choices that HE makes. Good men don’t hurt people no matter what their friends are like. His choices, his responsibility. He’s an asshole, and a dangerous one, and finding out that he’s a father isn’t going to miraculously cure him. It’ll just give him another target for his abuse. A defenseless child, this time.
And your making excuses for his godawful behavior is, frankly, nauseating.
I’ll say it one more time, and then I’m done here. Get help.
Your son chose his friends. People choose friends who are like them. They choose friends who do the things that they want to do. This is who your son is. He’s an abusive man who is sometimes suicidal. He’s a man who chooses to do illegal things and to hang out with other men who aren’t nice.
You need to quit mentioning DNA tests to your son. I realize you are now trying to prove your son isn’t the father but you would be further ahead to leave it alone. When your son brings up the idea of visitation you need to keep mentioning that he would have to go to court to get visitation and add that you don’t have any money for lawyers.
The only way your son is going to be a better man is if he decides to be better. Then he has to do the hard work of getting sober and he has to get a job which won’t be easy. He has to make himself into a decent man. Get him into counseling if you can. I’m guessing he has a lot of demons from his childhood that he needs to work through.
None of us can help you. No internet forum can help you. You have to help yourself now, by getting real, professional help.
Four months ago, you were given the excellent advice to seek therapy and grief counseling. You obviously haven’t done that, since you’re still in almost the exact same place, emotionally and mentally. Is this the same place you want to be in another four months? If you get therapy and/or grief counseling, I guarantee you will be in a better place in four months. I know this from personal experience. Do you really want to be stuck here, distressed, desperate, with the same thought patterns playing over and over in your mind, when you could be getting genuine help with these problems?
Stop asking internet forums for help. You know where to get help. You are choosing not to.
I’m coming in to this post not to feed the troll, but just to remind people who didn’t go through the entire original thread that the mother of the child and this LW’s live son have already AGREED that he shouldn’t be a part of this child’s life; that is to say, she’s not looking for support from him, and he’s not looking to pursue visitation or decision-making say-so. This woman is a sick and disturbed grandmother who believes that thrusting a child on her son — who has acknowledged he cannot be the parent this child needs and, again, is not demanding placement or custody — is going to somehow “cure” him of his issues, to the point where she was prepared to withheld emotional/financial/etc. support as he worked on his sobriety. We can quibble about whether it’s beneficial or not to have the child’s mother move the court to establish a child support order (since visitation will be tied to it), but frankly I think it’s commendable for the guy to recognize that he’s not in a healthy place to be around this child and to be mature enough to have this conversation with the mother and come to an agreement with her. So I think the attacks on the son are a little unnecessary here because he’s not the one picking this particular fight, you know?
I’ll repost what I wrote in the other thread:
“It’s not her child. It’s just not. And nothing upsets me more as a lawyer who regularly takes cases like this in juvenile and family court than to see grandparents trying to claim that “they know better than the parents.” It reeks of condescension. And, honestly, this LW doesn’t want the child to SUPPORT the child; she wants the child so she can “start fresh,” so she can SAY she has the child. That’s disgusting to me. Again, the presumed parents — and by that I mean the mother and the son who has been identified as the father — have agreed on the healthiest way to raise the child for the time being, and she needs to honor that whether she likes it or not. The fact that she won’t is harmful to the child, and it’s inexcusable. Period. Point blank.”Oh my god. This is what you need to do:
1. DROP THIS IMMEDIATELY. Stop talking to your son about it. Stop pushing for paternity tests. Stop all contact with the mother. STOP.
2. If your son brings up meeting this child, getting custody, visitation, whatever, SHUT IT DOWN. Tell him in no uncertain terms he is not ready to be a dad, that he has no legal rights to that child, and he needs to get himself stable and clean for a LONG time before he should consider pushing for any rights to that kid. Apologize to him for pushing the parernity test and fantasy of a child on him, remind him that the dna test was flawed because of the sibling issue, and advise him to back off. Tell him you will personally testify to any court that he is not fit for visitation. Let him get mad or rage if he wants to, and if he comes at you call his parole officer. This man belongs nowhere near this child and THAT is what you owe her since you caused this mess.
3. Therapy IMMEDIATELY. Seriously, look into free/ low cost counseling. Call the United Way, they arrange services like that. Call your local womens services center, they also often work with doctors to get free care to those who need it. Get counseling immediately. You need more help then we can give. Also join a grief support group to help you process the death of your other son. All of this has already been said to you multiple times.
