Why has he ghosted me?
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Jules, you say:
“I’ve not pursued him. I haven’t gone looking for him. I haven’t sent him any messages.”But you have. You went looking for him after he didn’t respond to your message and learned he blocked you everywhere. The only reason this emotional affair has stopped is because either he got wise or his wife did; not because you had an emotional epiphany of the damage this relationship would do to your marriage. You still don’t seem to have realized that.
Do some soul searching and accept that what you were doing was inappropriate and why you would risk your marriage.
And ask yourself too, would you truly be comfortable with your husband reading the complete transcripts of your conversations with this guy? If I were in your shoes, I would not be. My husband would be pissed. There’s a difference between him knowing you’ve revived a friendship, and knowing that you talk every day, the talks are intimate, and the guy wishes he’d married you instead of his wife.
Exactly. If you couldn’t have those intimate conversations in front of your husband with the old flame, then you already know they were wrong and you shouldn’t be having them. I’ve had people crawl out of the woodwork during my marriage that were shut down before they could start shit. You welcomed this nonsense.
Also, he isn’t your best friend. Can we not with that? He just showed up a hot minute after 21 years to tell you you are the one that got away and he is your best friend? No.
Yeah. Even if YOU weren’t fantasizing about sleeping with him… trust me… he WAS daydreaming of fun sexy times with you. I suspect things are not as great with his wife as you think either…
Also, he isn’t your best friend. Can we not with that? He just showed up a hot minute after 21 years to tell you you are the one that got away and he is your best friend? No.
Yes to what everyone else is saying, but this stuck out to me, too. You reconnect with an old friend as an adult — great! — but after a couple months of texting, they’re not your best friend! And you shouldn’t be “devastated” when someone you’ve been chatting with for mere months disappears. Best case scenario is very serious denial on LW’s part at the depths/nature of her feelings.
It’s fine to have friends who are opposite gender when you’re in a relationship or married, but there are certain behaviors that are boundary-crossing, even if it’s not outright infidelity. Some of these behaviors vary person to person (e.g., I’d be fine with a partner going out for drinks alone with an opposite gender friend, but wouldn’t really want them spending time alone together in a private setting — some people may find either of these fine, others may fine neither of these fine). “Intimate” texts/messages and video conferences fall pretty undeniably into boundary-crossing territory.
Anyway, focus on your marriage, LW, it sounds like there’s probably some work that needs to be done there.
Why was he her best friend? Because he is her new romantic interest. I’ll take her at her word that she had no interest in sex with him, but it sure sounds like she was getting fewer compliments and less affection from her husband than she wanted and simply craved the interest, lust, appreciation, and general emotional reinforcement this guy was sending her way. She should take this as a wake-up call to work on her marriage. Is she just jonesing for more positive reinforcement or is she now wondering if all that positive feedback from the old friend was actually genuine?
Yeah, generally something like this is filling a need that’s not being filled in your marriage, like attention, validation, flirtation, quality time, romance, whatever. You do not get into the habit of daily, intimate conversations with an old flame if you’re in a happy and fulfilling marriage. Like i said, I did this in a past relationship. Would never do it in my current marriage.
I think you should show your husband all of the texts/emails/phone calls you have exchanged with this “friend” and get his opinion about why this guy ghosted you. You say none of your communication affected the way you felt about your husband, so having him read everything and getting his opinion should be no problem. Since I strongly suspect you realize doing that will either seriously damage or end your marriage, if you dont have the guts to show your husband I recommend showing all the correspondence to a therapist. Who you should start seeing, immediately.
The denial here is pretty deep. You say yourself you think his wife finding out had something to do with him cutting off contact. Someone who is truly in a genuine, above board friendship doesn’t just ghost like that. Someone who is doing shady shit and gets caught having an emotional affair does. Use your therapy sessions to explore your betrayal, what is going on or missing in your life that you had the emotional affair, and whether or not you want to stay married. Your “friend” has decided that he wants to stay married.
I think a lot of people here have got the wrong end of the stick. People are making this out to be way more than what it actually was and getting pretty nasty. No-one had any intentions of leaving anyone for anyone. He liked me a lot when we were YOUNG (this part of what I wrote didn’t seem to register with most of you). We got a little flirty sometimes but we never talked about pursuing or acting on anything. Yeah we talked about meeting when he visited, but not alone. We actually planned a group meet up with all our family and friends. No secret rendezvous. I know how it sounded, but there was nothing sordid (like people have been accusing me of). We mainly talked and cared about each other as the good old friends that we were and we really connected. It doesn’t matter anymore though. We’re not in touch anymore.
So, I didn’t say anything about your motives, and I don’t even think it’s relevant. Forget that for a sec. it doesn’t matter. What matters here is that every single person on this thread (and they don’t always agree) thought that just your described *behavior* was inappropriate. Talking to an old crush that often, for that long, that intimately, is not ok in a marriage. Throw in the stuff he was saying, and it’s very problematic. Don’t believe us? Again, show your husband the full conversations and ask him why HE thinks this guy disappeared. If you wouldn’t be comfortable with your husband reading all of it, you were doing something wrong. And regardless, it’s clear that he and/or his wife thought he was doing something really wrong (he was!!!), or you’d still be chatting intimately with him. This should be a bit of a wake-up call for you.
