Updates: “Invested” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Invested,” who had invested $80K into helping his girlfriend maintain her lifestyle. She then asked him to buy a house for her and her mother and sister. He said he could not afford to pay for an entire house but could contribute $120K, which she thought was not enough. The LW writes: “I offered her a solution: I could pay for a rental apartment for her for one year, and when she finishes her school, we would marry and then move into a house. Now she has cut me off, and she is saying nothing but nasty things about what kind of man I am.
I’m very hurt. I’m actually thinking of seeking a lawyer and suing her for the money and support I have given her these past five years.”
Find out where they stand now:
Let’s say that she came to her senses and I succumbed to her power over me.
We discussed getting a house together, but it seems to me that her words did not match her intentions.
I went back to Canada for a break, and while I was there, I renewed my mortgage and took out a second mortgage on my home to put some money aside for a house in Vietnam.
I discussed the plan with my GF and she was a little supportive knowing that I would cover most of the house and her part would be about 10% of the total. The money was not in place until the middle of October this year, so she had to be patient for a few months, but she was on board with us looking for a place at the beginning of November. So things go as planned and time is ticking away, no worries, and she talks of wedding plans.
About a month ago she comes to me worried about her car, a 2015 Kia. She bought it new; I had given her some money, 5k, to put towards the car. She told me originally that her dad had given her the money but she was short 5k and really wanted this car. So I gave her the 5K and she bought the car. However, later I found out that this was her money and not her dad’s money. I really didn’t care, but I just wondered why she would lie about this.
Anyway, this car was right off the showroom floor, and she takes very good care of her car. It has 12000 kilometres on it, so it is basically brand new. She wants to sell the car before the end of the year because it will be worth less next year. I have no idea about her logic sometimes. She paid 47K USD for this car when she bought it new. I know, cars in Vietnam are stupid expensive and the government throws huge tax on the cars. Given this fact, she thinks she can get 30K before the end of the year, and take a 17K USD hit, a cost of 1.42 USD/kilometer and/or a loss of 410.00/ month.
To me this seems to make no sense in the world to want to sell this car, especially when you can’t afford not to keep the car—a very dumb financial decision.
To continue on with this crazy story: Her insurance runs out in October and she has asked me to cover her insurance. I did say that I would but need to know how much this will cost me, and after she sells her car, if can I get the balance of the insurance back.
She told me that the insurance is 800 US for the year and the insurance will be passed along to the new owner. So of course I question paying 800 USD for her car so thatshe can sell her car to the next person and my 800 USD goes out the window in less than three months. Should I be the goat?
This was brought up early in the morning two days ago. The other day she brought up wedding plans and what I should rent and how she should get a dress, which was a great indication that she wants our wedding.
The additional kicker to my situation is that she wants to buy a new 2019 Honda Civic at a cost of 60K USD, which will bring her bank account down to 10K. It’s like this stupid Civic is a dream car for her, and this is the car she will keep for five years. Yes—and then a Camry and then a BMW and next and next, the madness will continue.
So now this knocks my portion for the house up to basically 100%.
I’m a little reluctant to commit to anything, much lesxsome insurance. So as opposed to taking her word for things, I get on the internet and call some insurance companies and arrange a meeting for the three of us. I approach my GF and tell her the good news; she ponders a second and then makes some rude comment about my being a loser and not keeping my word. From there she gets up and starts packing her bags as if to leave. I’m saying wait a minute and what is all the fuss; I reach over to grab things back out of her bag and she grabs my hand and chomps done on my thumb like she would like to bite my thumb off.
I step back and try to remain calm, telling her that for her own safety she is not going anywhere and to sit down and when she is calm she can get her things and leave but only when she has calmed down. I then get slapped numerous times across the face, full on swings, and get kicked several times as well. When she realized that she had gotten her point across, she lay down in bed and started to sob.
I felt bad for her, so I tried to comfort her after, even after being beaten up without any retaliation from me and my only allowing her to slap, kick, and bite me at will.
Battered and bruised both emotionally and physically, I went off and bought us both some food and visited the insurance company. To my surprise, I learned a lot.
The insurance cost is not 800 USD but is 400. They can allow me to buy a policy for a year and, once I sell the car, I can sell the car with the insurance and add that value to the new owner or cancel the insurance and they will refund the unused portion. I was so happy knowing all this new information that I walked back over to discuss it all with my GF.
She first decided that she was hungry and accepted the food I had brought in for her and I noticed that she had calmed down a little.
I then explained my visit to the insurance company. Her reply was very short and angry: This is not a true number, we tried them last year, you don’t know anything about insurance, after which she decided to put me on silent for the balance of the day until the next morning. She slept on one side of the bed while I slept on the other side of the bed, and she absolutely refused to come near me.
I had a meeting early the next day, so I got out of bed and hopped into the shower, got dressed, and headed to my meeting. As I was leaving, my GF got up, said nothing, and went into the bathroom for a shower.
I gave the insurance agent my GF’s telephone number and asked her to call my GF and explain our options so she can hear that my words are true. The insurance agent called back and said that she would not answer the phone after numerous attempts which I guess did not surprise me. So I have my meeting and get back to the apartment we were staying in, and she is gone and headed back home. She won’t answer her phone, and I am sitting here wondering what the hell I did wrong.
Honestly, I am really perplexed as to what did I do to deserve the abuse I just survived and I am absolutely crushed.
Thanks for listening; it’s good to get this off my chest.
I guess you probably should have followed my advice.
***************
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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Yeah, dude, she’s a user. She’s a liar. She’s physically abusive too.
That’s a ridiculously high price tag to learn but you clearly didn’t learn. I mean, you started to get reasonably suspicious but you still didn’t learn anything.
Yup, guy literally learned nothing. Does this even count as an update? Seems like he didn’t even consider the advice.
Stay Tuned for When Asking For Advice Goes Wrong
Surely you recall my soon to be advice site named “the advice you want to hear”.
If I didn’t, I DO NOW! I am so here for that.
LW you have yourself an abusive, overpriced hooker. That’s what you apparently want to marry. Why don’t you take a fraction of the money you’ve spent on her and invest in some therapy for yourself. You clearly need it.
She’s
L
Y
I
N
G
to you for money. Inflating prices, asking to spend your money recklessly (continually trading in cars at a loss). She physically and emotionally abuses you when she doesn’t get what she wants or you catch her in a lie. Assume all of this will continue if you do end up getting married. It won’t stop, it will continue. She will bleed you dry of money (and maybe leave). Is that what you want the rest of your life to look like? Do you want this pattern of abuse forever?
Also, which part of the advice did you follow? To what end?
God, some people are just too fucking stupid for sympathy.
I concur. NEXT!
LW, whats the point in writing in for advice again when you completely ignored the intial advice? Next time you write in for an update (which I liked the updates fyi) I want to hear you have left this psycho. YES YES YES she is using you. She is taking advantage of you. As soon as someone put their hands on you in a violent way, you need to leave them. There are plenty of women out there who do not act like this and there are plenty of Vietnamese women who are good women, not like the psycho you are with. Culture or not!!!!
You are an idiot. I have zero sympathy for you.
This is really sick. You should be talking to a counselor about why you’re allowing yourself to be lied to, abused, and controlled by this obvious grifter.
Right. Someone trying to bite my thumb off would be so far beyond done. What the actual heck.
Never refuse to let a woman leave your home if that’s her intention. The only reason you should ever stop a woman from leaving is if she’s been drinking and planning to drive.
Beyond that, of course you should’ve followed Wendy’s advice from before. There are plenty of stable women who won’t use for your $$ but for whatever reason that’s what you’re attracted to. You should look into therapy.
Hell, he’d be better off with a woman who used him for his money at home so he could at least save on travel.
“Honestly I really perplexed as to what did I do to deserve the abuse I just survived.”
What you did was allow her to remain in your life when you had all of the signs that she was using you. You still want to be with her. I’m sure you’ll get another chance. She was abusive to teach you a lesson. You do what she wants without questioning it or she will abuse you then stalk out. When she really needs something that costs some money she will be back to demand you pay for it. Until then you won’t see or hear from her.
When she next shows up you need to close the door in her face. If she has a key to your place you need to change the lock, or even better, move so she can’t find you. Do not spend any more money on her and definitely don’t take out a second mortgage on your house in Canada. She will drain you of all of your money and when she knows there is no more she will leave for good. You are only as useful as your money in the bank. Quit spending your money on her. You’ll see how much she values you if you do. She will be gone for good. She only wants you for your money.
Whatever you do, do not have a child with her. She would be abusive to them in the way she is abusive to you. She would also use them to demand whatever she wanted. If you didn’t give it to her she’d take the child and leave for a while. Do not let her do that to you and especially don’t let her do that to a child. It would be a nightmare childhood.
I have little-to-no sympathy because of the bad choices this guy made, but could we cool it on the “she was abusive to teach you a lesson”? She was abusive because she’s an abuser, and regardless of how much of a dumbass he is for acting like a walking credit card, he did NOTHING to deserve being abused.
@Rebecca, they are both abusive.
” step back and try to remain calm, telling her for her own safety, that she is not going anywhere to sit down and when she is calm she can get her things and leave but only when she has calmed down.”
He refused to allow her to leave.
“I then get slapped numerous times across the face, full on swing and kicked several times as well. When she realized that she got her point across she laid down in bed and started to sob.”
“I felt bad for her, so I tried to comfort her after being beat up without no retaliation from me, only allowing her to slap, kick and bite me at will.
Battered and bruised both emotionally and physically I went off and bought us both some food and visited the insurance company.”
You’re right, they are. I am absolutely team no one. I read the initial query as more what did he do to deserve to be bitten, which was her first action, and the answer is no one deserves that.
Abusers often, maybe even generally, use abuse to shape the behavior of the person they are abusing. They literally teach the abused how to behave in a more abuser approved way by abusing them. She was certainly lashing out at him because she planned to get more money from him than needed and use the extra for something else. She lashed out in rage but probably also to make him think twice before questioning what she wants in the future. It is a highly manipulative thing to do. In no way does that say that I think he did something to deserve it. I’m telling him what was happening. He was being “punished” for looking into the cost of insurance and finding a lower price.
Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I am angry. It makes me angry if you don’t just give me the money that I say I need.
Fair enough, I can definitely see that.
A+
I don’t understand this person who gives tons of money to someone who is cruel to him.
The woman he is talking about is a WOMAN TO BE DUMPED.
She is a WOMAN TO NEVER, EVER SPEAK TO AGAIN.
She is a WOMAN TO BE IGNORED, FOREVER.
He may have some feelings of love towards her but they do not matter. At all. Ever. She is someone who will never, ever change.
There are many women in the world who are kind and loving. Go and find a kind woman. There are many wonderful women for you to love who would be grateful to you for your generous nature and would not take advantage of you.
The woman you are with is a monster and will ruin your life for all time if you stay in contact with her. She will be a mean mean mean person once she realizes you have abandonded her and will try all kinds of wicked evil things and ways to be able to continue stealing your money as she does. But be firm and never, ever , speak to her again, no matter what she says or does. She will eventually be forced to prey upon some other man and you will finally be free.
Evil people are always going to be evil people. They do not change and never become nice. Ever.
Dump this woman now. Do not tell her you are doing this, just do it. Move away from her at all costs. Secretly take all your things to a secret place and never tell her or anyone she knows where you are and where your things are. Just get away from her. Today. Do not wait.
No words for the amount of fuckery in this letter.
LW, this is heartbreaking. You did nothing to “deserve” the abuse. No one deserves abuse, ever.
Look, you don’t treat other people like that, biting them, kicking and slapping, asking hundreds of thousands of dollars from them. You would never ask someone to buy you a car or pay for your insurance. This is not an ok way to treat someone, and you know it’s abuse. You can’t save her or change her. You can’t love her so much that she changes. This is who she is. This is the shape of her brain, and no amount of love will change the shape of her brain.
By the way, she knew all along that the insurance is 400 not 800. She lied and told you it’s 800 so you’d give her more money. She’s been spending that money buying herself stuff, or buying drugs, who knows. That’s why she was angry not happy.
Stop talking to her. Delete her number. Block her from your phone. Delete all her emails. You are never getting the money back, but you can protect your future self from losing even more money. And you can protect your future self from getting bitten and beaten up.
Be safe.
How can someone be this stupid. Look, this is not racist but the fact that she lives in Vietnam and is looking for someone from another country to support her was clue number one. Every single other moment you’ve known here were the next twenty billion clues. I just cannot comprehend how someone can be so dumb. I am also baffled as to when someone abuses you why their safety is a concern. Please remove your head from your ass. You just look so freaking pathetic.
I’m confused. Are you still with her? She’s using up all your money, and I don’t think she’s planning to stop anytime soon.
UGGGGGGGHHHH
Letter writer you didn’t listen to advice, made THE SAME choices that lead you to write dear Wendy in the first, and you’re in the same position you were in before.
Stop making dumb choices.
Dude,
If you have another 120k laying around, I have a mortgage that needs to be paid off. House is in the states so you could actually be part owner.
Please realize that you are probably not the only “boyfriend” she has and her bank account is way fatter than your at this point.
I think you need to give up the whole Asian thing and just move back to Canada, eh.
??? as I say, If you want to burn 120k I can help you.
I think my obsessive 90 Day Fiancé watching has ruined me on this but I’m quite sure she was just looking for a white man with money (actual words from the show).
I love old men, always have and don’t give a crap if they are fat or have hair. Frankly I like fat, although my husband has the most amazing head of hair ever and is not fat. There are women who have their shit together who would want him at home.
I’m not about to say I’m the hottest thing ever but I am an attractive woman and have dated young, old, in shape, out of shape, rich, poor, anything you can think of… I like my chubby men. Salt and pepper hair, sign me up!! No hair, whatever. Tall, short, whatever.
I suspect he has insecurities and/or wants an unreasonably young woman.
Oh and FML like a cheap car here is 47k there. How much does that suck. A Civic is as much as he said. Ouch. I know my dad who lives in Australia said my car is about 80k there and I almost threw up. What the heck!!!
But what if the LW is an old, balding, paunchy guy who can never get a good looking girl in states ? What if this is the only way he can have a hot girl friend ?
Have you guys thought of that huh?
You shouldn’t advise without knowing all the details. (jk)
I’d’ve thought you were serious, but in my experience old, balding paunchy guys can always get good looking girls here in the states. 😉
Only if they have money like Trump 🙂
If you have that amount of money to spend on, you could spend it on me. Or you could use the money on the therapy. Come on, lad. This situation is screaming for you to run and never come back. This woman is dangerous and you should not ever see her again. You’re just her personal bank and not the only one. Just leave and go to a therapist.
Oh my god…why did you ever want someone like her? You should be very very happy she left and if she shows up again you need to quickly let her know it’s over and make a clean break. This is an awful person. She just wants money money money. She lies. She physically abuses you. She was using you. She is a bad person. My advice to you is to never talk to her again, block her number, etc. You deserve better than this. You deserve a woman who likes you for the person you are. Who never asks for money. Who supports herself just fine. If you get married you both put money you earn into the bank account and contribute to your retirements. You deserve someone who is kind. You deserve someone who is your equal. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to do things for YOU. Please stay away from women in the future who ask you for money. That is a big red flag and is not normal.
Dude, what exactly are you getting from this relationship that you can’t get with someone more functional and less toxic?
YOU ARE A FOOL. When the money runs out, so will she. I hope that, at least, she’s good in bed.
He said in his last letter that she quit her job with him throughout the world. This is what happens when you mix relationships with jobs. The relationship with him IS her job. She is lying and stealing money because she hopes to quit some day and live with her mom and sister.
Being paid $600 (Canadian value?) to travel with him and meet up and have sex with him, has paid her way through college. It may have been much more than she could have made in Vietnam. He is the one that keeps pushing her to commit to marriage, but that contract is going to cost him a lot more.
I feel sorry for him. I wonder how much of this he understands. I think he feels if he pays for her to have what she wants in life, then he is due a relationship with her.
I agree. She’s basically a scammer but she’s not exactly hidden the fact. She’s been pretty dang clear. He seems to think she owes him whatever if he spends money which is such a messed up mentality. They both have messed up thought processes though.
I was laughing at 48K Kia… I rolled on the floor at a Honda Civic at US 60K…. just, no dude… she was always a liar.
Actually that is not a lie. Due to heavy tariffs, that is the cost of a foreign car in Thailand. You can check online.
Holy Crapping Christ, what did I just read?!