Updates: “What Happened?” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “What Happened?” who wrote in last week about the guy she met at a conference who told her he loved her after a week of corresponding, talked with her every day for nine months, and then suddenly told her he needed space. “He said a lot of people were telling him not to talk to a girl who lives a few hours away — that I was distracting him. A week ago I saw him at another event and we were able to casually talk. It was really nice. I thought about asking him to coffee. Is that a wise decision?”
Of course, I told her it was not a wise decision. But did she listen? Find out in her update below.
You say you feel like you have “closure,” but your whole update, especially with the many exclamation marks, sounds like you’re exited about the renewed potential this unexpected intel has created. But, listen, it all sounds pretty bad. The guy had one relationship and was hurt badly? Yeah, so were like 90% of people over the age of 20. He didn’t have feelings for anyone in a long time and that’s why he confessed his love to you after a week of chatting online? That isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy, and it’s still a huge, giant red flag. Finally, his sister has so much influence on him that she can tell him not to pursue a long-distance relationship and, after nine months of talking, he just drops you with no explanation at all? Not cool. Oh, and also: “worship team.”
These are all warning signs that I hope you will heed. Each one is enough of a red flag to stay away, but all combined, you’re really looking at a disaster in the making if you pursue this guy. If you’re going to take just one lesson from this, though, let it be this: If a guy ever uses the fact that he was hurt badly in a previous relationship to excuse his stunted emotional development, his inability to treat someone with respect, or his fear of commitment, RUN!
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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“Oh and also: “worship team.””
? Best part! Made my morning!
Can someone explain? I didn’t get this part. How is it funny or a red flag?
I think it’s funny name because “team” implies competition and “worshipping” is a funny thing to compete in. That said, I think worship team is actually a church music group.
Edited to add: I, personally, think the word “team” in any context that isn’t related to a competition sounds silly and didn’t mean to insult its use in a religious context. I am an equal opportunity offender. If I were single and some guy I was interested in referred to his co-workers as his “work team,” I’d probably see that as a red flag, but I acknowledge that not everyone is as sensitive to word choice as I might be.
It’s usually the team that does music at a church. They coordinate the musicians and do the music at weekly services.
I’m not religious, but I found this kind of insulting. A worship team has nothing to do with converting or recruiting people. It’s the name for the group of people involved in producing the music for a church service – the choir, musicians, etc. The use of the word “team” has nothing to do with competition; it refers to how they all work together to make the music.
You’re right – I’m going to edit my comment to reflect that.
Oh Carol.
I thought it was a Bible study group. Weird name for it though but every religion has different nomenclature.
I sense out of proportion enthusiasm with this news.
Because OMG he has excuses for sucking!! So it’s ok!!!
He’s not married, y’all! That means there’s still a chance!
I think the LW is throwing up more red flags than the dude. She got her friend and the guy’s sister(!!) involved in explaining why he didn’t want to text with her anymore! He doesn’t have to give a reason for one, and two, the reason he already gave her was completely reasonable (doesn’t want to get involved long distance).
LW, him telling you he loved you in less than a week wasn’t real. They weren’t real feelings and that you expected them to be real is a red flag for yourself too. He’s not a potential love interest that you lost, he’s a guy you met and texted with for a bit. Don’t act like this is some missed opportunity love. It’s not.
To quote one of my favorite tv shows (Frasier):
[He’s] the devil. Run fast. Run far.
OK, but the fact that he can’t handle a breakup without running off and telling someone he barely knows that he loves them is just as bad. That’s a major lack of maturity. It also makes it even less likely that he liked you for YOU rather than just wanting something to make him feel better about himself. I’m not sure why you’re so excited?
The LW sounds just as immature as the dude, so maybe they do deserve each other and both need this lesson on the kinds of relationships that aren’t worth pursuing…
Team to me implies competition only in competitive sports, and some business contexts (sales teams). But even in business it isn’t necessarily always competitive, just that the people on the same team have the same team leader responsible for assigning tasks (often in addition to a supervisor in a managerial position who can hire and fire). Teams can be permanent where people on the same team have similar (or the same) jobs or work directly towards the same goal, or temporary for a project.
I can tell most of you have no idea what a worship team is; if you ever went to church, you might. It is usually the band; more contemporary or nondenominational churches will not have a “choir” as such, they have guitar players, keyboard players, a drummer, and singers. Singing is considered part of worship, therefore, the band is the WORSHIP team, because singing is part of WORSHIP. Maybe clarify before mocking things. Also, Wendy said she was going to edit her remark, but no edit. The insulting remark stands.
Wendy did edit her comment as she said she would. “Edited to add”. The phrase “worship team” may well mean the music director, the choir leader, the musicians, etc., but it still sounds like management speak rubbed all over English.