Dear Wendy
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I love that, AP.
It was 14 years ago this week I was laid off from my previous job and quickly put into motion the plan for DW, which involved hiring a lawyer when my previous employers threatened to sue me for using the name! I love seeing the names of OGs pop up here on occasion. These days, DW is getting a new life and audience on Facebook, where I regularly post older (and newer) columns. There’s a whole community of regulars there now, which is great, but that 2011-2013 era right here was a special one.
This was a post from Anna that she shared in a forum thread (about what people liked about DW) in Feb., 2012 that I thought I’d share:
“DW has shown me that many of the things I feel sometimes are perfectly normal and I am actually not as crazy as I thought I was. I’ve learned just how important communication is in all relationships, romantic or not. Finally, I’ve learned that it’s ok to cut people out of your life who are not supportive or healthy for you (even if you share blood with them).
I especially love the interaction with all of the other DW members. We come from all different locations and walks of life but I think all of our unique points of view make for very interesting and enlightening conversation. And the fact that this site is not blocked by my company’s internet filter is pretty rad too 🙂”
Thank you, Bagge and Addie Pray, for letting us know. Anna was an OG Dear Wendy community member who was most active from 2011- 2013. This was her profile page with her photo: https://dearwendy.com/users/anna/.
Some of the OGs, like I assume Bagge and Addie Pray, were connected with her on Facebook. Addie texted me a few days ago to share the news and said that Anna was 40 and happily married (no kids). RIP, Anna, and condolences to her loved ones.
What would make you want to stay in this marriage? Is it financial security? What do you get from your husband that you can’t find in yourself or through other people in your life? Likely, not very much. And this situation doesn’t sound like a healthy or safe environment for your son. Loving someone isn’t enough reason to stay married. You need trust, common goals, good communication, mutual respect, and emotional security.
If your school offers low or no-cost counseling – often, graduate students in psychology must meet a certain number of hours of counseling for their degrees and that’s offered to fellow students at low or no cost – please look into it for yourself. I think talking through some of this stuff and processing your thoughts and feelings with an unbiased confidant could help you.
I agree with the others that your aunt sounds unwilling, unable, and/or just uninterested in reciprocating the energy you put into the relationship. I know that’s disappointing but there’s also some liberation in realizing when it’s time to redraw the boundaries of relationships that are not meeting our needs or are unequal in the giving and taking over the longterm. I would focus more on the relationships in your life that are more reciprocal and be a little less giving to your aunt who hasn’t shown much appreciation for the energy you’ve invested in her/ your relationship.
Hi! Just seeing this after Thanksgiving break. Here you go:
https://dearwendy.com/15-things-every-couple-must-discuss-before-getting-married/Best wishes to your daughter, and if anyone has anything to add to the list, go ahead.
I agree with Kate here. Take things slowly and let him take the lead a bit on reaching out via text. If he isn’t reaching out and he isn’t confirming dates with you, that’s a sign of his interest level, and that’s good insight to have.
Mazel Tov to your and your fam, too, Leslie! And don’t even get me started on the outfit planning and shopping. I think I’ve got both kids’ outfits complete, but am still deliberating about my own.
Hope your workload eases up a bit soon!
Really glad you are settling in at your new job, Copa, and that you’re happy with your decision to leave the old one.
All’s well here. I am gearing up for an active few weeks – we’re going to Chicago in two weeks for our friends’ wedding, for which I was asked to write something to read (public speaking isn’t really my thing, so I’m nervous about that part). Then two weeks after that, we have Jackson’s bar mitzvah (just a small, mostly family one that we’re having in the private room of a very nice restaurant). And lots of smaller things in between all that as well as planning our trip to Japan in the spring.
Today is the first day of fall – my favorite season in nyc. We’re going to game one of the wnba play-offs this afternoon (our team, the liberty, is ranked #1 and is perfectly-positioned to win its very first championship this year). The Yankees also have a good shot at making it to the World Series, and of course, we are hoping the fall season is capped off with another very important win in November!
Kate summed it up well. This guy has been manipulating you and not treating you with genuine care. You are in service to him – his needs and his desires – and your needs don’t really matter. He has not been confused about his intentions, and his behavior isn’t confusing if you look at it through the lens of someone who really just cares about himself. His interest in you has always been limited by what he thinks you can give him and how much he wants what you can give him and how much effort it will take on his part to get what he wants from you (vs. how available what he wants is elsewhere). In the periods when he has paused his pursuit of you, you can assume that his needs are being met by someone else and so his desire for you is cooled. In periods when his pursuit has revved up, you can assume that either his needs are not being met elsewhere or he senses that he needs to give you a little more bait to keep you on his hook.
I agree with Copa. I think a big key to both not feeling desperate to find someone AND to attracting a compatible parter is creating a fulfilling, enriching life for yourself. I also think therapy, if that’s accessible to you, could be very helpful for you.
This old friend is toxic and you are under zero obligation to remain in touch with her. You say her behavior has changed, but it sounds like she’s simply begun expressing viewpoints she’s held for over 50 years, so the change you see is really just her being more open about who she actually is. And you don’t enjoy the person she is. Furthermore, it’s been at least five years since she began trying to make you feel bad for your (totally normal, non-offensive) behavior in high school. This is someone who is likely unhappy and wants to make others feel unhappy. She’s a classic example of a toxic friend. And the reason why she continues to reach out to you is probably because she’s run off everyone else in her life and you’re one of the few people, if only person, who still humors her with a response. You don’t need to do that anymore.
Ignore her and move on with your life. Enjoy the company of your family and the other people in your life who support and love you.
