Dear Wendy
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Mazel Tov to your and your fam, too, Leslie! And don’t even get me started on the outfit planning and shopping. I think I’ve got both kids’ outfits complete, but am still deliberating about my own.
Hope your workload eases up a bit soon!
Really glad you are settling in at your new job, Copa, and that you’re happy with your decision to leave the old one.
All’s well here. I am gearing up for an active few weeks – we’re going to Chicago in two weeks for our friends’ wedding, for which I was asked to write something to read (public speaking isn’t really my thing, so I’m nervous about that part). Then two weeks after that, we have Jackson’s bar mitzvah (just a small, mostly family one that we’re having in the private room of a very nice restaurant). And lots of smaller things in between all that as well as planning our trip to Japan in the spring.
Today is the first day of fall – my favorite season in nyc. We’re going to game one of the wnba play-offs this afternoon (our team, the liberty, is ranked #1 and is perfectly-positioned to win its very first championship this year). The Yankees also have a good shot at making it to the World Series, and of course, we are hoping the fall season is capped off with another very important win in November!
Kate summed it up well. This guy has been manipulating you and not treating you with genuine care. You are in service to him – his needs and his desires – and your needs don’t really matter. He has not been confused about his intentions, and his behavior isn’t confusing if you look at it through the lens of someone who really just cares about himself. His interest in you has always been limited by what he thinks you can give him and how much he wants what you can give him and how much effort it will take on his part to get what he wants from you (vs. how available what he wants is elsewhere). In the periods when he has paused his pursuit of you, you can assume that his needs are being met by someone else and so his desire for you is cooled. In periods when his pursuit has revved up, you can assume that either his needs are not being met elsewhere or he senses that he needs to give you a little more bait to keep you on his hook.
I agree with Copa. I think a big key to both not feeling desperate to find someone AND to attracting a compatible parter is creating a fulfilling, enriching life for yourself. I also think therapy, if that’s accessible to you, could be very helpful for you.
This old friend is toxic and you are under zero obligation to remain in touch with her. You say her behavior has changed, but it sounds like she’s simply begun expressing viewpoints she’s held for over 50 years, so the change you see is really just her being more open about who she actually is. And you don’t enjoy the person she is. Furthermore, it’s been at least five years since she began trying to make you feel bad for your (totally normal, non-offensive) behavior in high school. This is someone who is likely unhappy and wants to make others feel unhappy. She’s a classic example of a toxic friend. And the reason why she continues to reach out to you is probably because she’s run off everyone else in her life and you’re one of the few people, if only person, who still humors her with a response. You don’t need to do that anymore.
Ignore her and move on with your life. Enjoy the company of your family and the other people in your life who support and love you.
I think it’s time to leave. What you are describing is abusive behavior and your partner has refused to get any professional help. I don’t know what the point of an ultimatum would be. It would just be buying him time to hurt you again, and maybe worse than he has before. It also gives him time to screw you over, financially and emotionally, before you leave. He doesn’t need fair warning here. You need to do everything you can to protect yourself while making plans to get out immediately. You need to talk to a lawyer and enlist the support/ help of the support network you are lucky to have in place there.
The bottom line is that you don’t trust this man, and so you give him as few opportunities as possible to cause more pain for you.
This is not a healthy dynamic you’ve got with this guy. He doesn’t really respect you and he doesn’t treat you how a person should treat a friend. He wants something from you – it’s a transactional relationship (except, what are you really getting out of it?). I’d block this guy and move on. You don’t owe him birthday greetings or closure or a call once a year because of some weird suggestion on his part. Just block and move on.
I don’t think her signals have been mixed at all. She was pretty clear in telling you she didn’t have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship and that it felt uncomfortable getting so close with someone. You can love someone – as she says she loves you – and not be ready for a relationship, just as she has said is the case. There’s nothing confusing about this; YOU are making it confusing because you don’t understand how someone could be in love and not want a relationship. But your POV and your feelings are just that – they are YOURS, not hers.
Your ex has a different perspective, and the status of your breakup isn’t really contingent on your understanding or appreciating her perspective. You being confused here, when her message was actually pretty clear, doesn’t mean your ex is confused and it doesn’t mean that she actually wants to be back with you.
For you own sake, you need to accept that this relationship is over and you need to move on. If you two ever do get back together, it isn’t going to be right on the heels of your breakup – it’s going to be after time and soul-searching (on her part). You don’t do yourself any favors by waiting around for this to happen when your ex has repeatedly said she doesn’t want a relationship, she’s afraid of being too close with anyone, and she doesn’t expect you to wait for her.
I agree with Kate here. Your mom insisting on inviting Sharon is weird, no doubt, and maybe she will go behind your back and find her address and invite her against your wishes and that’ll be awkward but, as Kate says, Sharon will either decide to come or not. In the end, if this is the biggest issue with the baby shower, it’s not that big of a deal and you’re getting off lucky.
Traditionally, grandmothers-to-be aren’t even supposed to host baby showers. They’re meant to be thrown by close friends, aunts, or even co-workers. So, if you wanted to go by “rules” of etiquette, you’d have had a great excuse for your mom not to host your baby shower. And if you didn’t have anyone else to host it, you could also wait until the baby was born and host a “sip-and-see” where guests are invited to come see the new baby (and typically bring a gift). This would’ve been a great way to avoid your narcissistic mother being in charge while also celebrating this time in your life and your new baby and seeing people you care about.
Anyway, I point all of this out not to shame or blame you but to maybe underscore that you have easy ways of avoiding potential conflict with your mother that you aren’t using, and going forward, maybe it would benefit you to pursue the paths of least resistance with her. That doesn’t mean you have to go no or low-contact with your mom, but creating better boundaries will help protect your energy, and you’re going to need your energy as you transition into motherhood yourself.
Ha – I love that.
Drew also likes to tell story of the time we ended up in a small town in China where locals literally chased us down the street because they’d never seen westerners before and wanted to take photos and practice their English. We felt like celebrities for the day.
Thanks, Copa!
Are you getting a 2-week JR rail pass or 1-week? We are going for two weeks as well and I read that a one-week pass would be enough if we times our commuting just right but it seems like it would be better if we got a 2-week pass (even though it’s so pricey!).
I’ve read to expect enormous crowds in all the touristy spots, so there’s that.
My family lived in Japan in the 70s and 80s and my dad is 6’4″, my mom is 6′ and my sister and I have red hair, so we were quite the sight.
Copa, I’d be interested in whatever tips you have an want to share (either now or after you return). We haven’t booked anything yet, but know how our dates and roughly where we want to visit (the usual first-time travel spots, like Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka, for sure).
