Dear Wendy
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Totally agree.
Fair enough. I looked her up though and she does seem to be a stock broker.
I do buy the 7-fugures thing. It fits with the narrative of being able to afford all the travel, as well as being an entitled douchebag.
Oh, I don’t mind. Living well is the best revenge. This LW is boo-hoo-hoo-ing that her man won’t move to her (I can’t imagine why!) and, meanwhile, I’ve been happily married for 8 years, together with my guy for over 11, and know that my moving to him 10 years ago had nothing to do with him refusing to move to me and everything to do with our communication and relationship being strong enough to have conversations about what would make the most sense for us as a couple and for our future. Drew would move anywhere in the world for me — all I have to do is say the word. Sorry for the LW that even with all the money she makes and her willingness to financially support her guy, he’s still not interested in moving to be with her. Some love fairytale that is!
Congrats, ktfran! Have fun in portugal! (We honeymooned there, too, and really loved the little beach town not too from fro mLisbon called Cascais.
Have fun, MissDre!
For what it’s worth, what I would advise someone who isn’t ready to get married but wants to take the temperature of her partner to see if marriage is something he wants in the future, and when he thinks he sees it happening, I would not share a specific timeline. I would say something like, “I see myself being married in the next three years or so, what about you?” And “I’m enjoying how our relationship is developing and I can see moving across the world to be with you, but if and when that happens, I’m going to need a serious commitment first.” For someone who is not ready for marriage yet, I think these kinds of statements are enough and that specific timelines — particularly if you truly aren’t ready to get married — are overkill. If you aren’t ready to get married right now, how can you say you’re going to be ready in 9-12 months or that that’s your goal? You really shouldn’t be thinking of a date, even a vague one, if you aren’t actually ready yet.
Woah, yeah, this guy doesn’t sound high quality; he sounds nuts! Talking about “us” after hanging out platonically three times, telling you he sees “your worth” (I would have bolted after that alone!). These are not signs that a guy is into you — these are red flags that something is wrong with him. A guy who is interested in you will do the following within the first three dates:
Ask you out again;
Ask and remember some of your interests, some details about your life, what your schedule and availability is;
Compliment you a few times in a non creepy way (“You have a nice smile” “I like your laugh” “You have a great sense of humor” “You’re fun to hang out with”);
*Maybe* ask what you’re looking for, relationship-wise.
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, LadyE. Take it easy on yourself, let yourself be upset for a couple days and then brush this off and move on. I know it’s easier said than done because I’ve been there. But let’s keep it in perspective: this was, what, a 6-week relationship? Two months? You didn’t really know each other very well yet. You were excited about the future, but it was a fantasy so far. I know it’s easy to get caught up in a fantasy, to get excited about someone with whom we have good chemistry and reciprocal interest and attraction. But you need to remember while you are grieving the end of this, that what you are mostly mourning is the *idea* of something, just as what you were most excited about (I think) was the *idea* of something — of having a boyfriend, someone to make plans with, someone to spend time with, someone to love and be loved back by. So… this guy won’t be that guy, and that sucks. But that just means there’s a better match for you.
Any updates on this, Cancer? I hope you’re putting the marriage on hold until he accepts your name choice. Honestly, he sounds like a sexist control freak and I’d be wary.
I’m also curious, when you say you agree on other gender roles/ traditions, what those are? Is there anything about which you veer from tradition? Because it’s one thing to say you agree on everything else if everything else includes you staying home, being the primary childcare person, the cook, the maid, etc. and he’s the primary breadwinner; it’s quite a different thing if you make the same or more money than he does and/or share equally in domestic duties. Just curious…
Why take your husband-to-be’s last name at all? Why not just switch your name back to your maiden name and call it a day? You already said you don’t like your husband’s last name and don’t like the way it sounds with your first name, so why are you even thinking about taking it? To appease your husband? I’m sorry, but fuck that shit. It’s fucking 2017 — if he wants you to have the same last name, he can take your name. Why does it always have to be the women who changes names? You saw how well that worked the first time you did it, so why on earth would you want to do it again?
I’d really consider this a serious red flag, to be honest. Your dude sounds like a dick. If he’s unsupportive about what name you choose for yourself, what else is he going to be upsupportive and misogynistic about?
I’d give it maybe 2-3 more months to see if he actually puts his words into actions and tries to get you off, and if he doesn’t show some real honest interest and effort on that front, MOA. Six months is more than enough time to explore some alternative ways to please a woman if he’s having some issues with his plumbing.
Honestly, I think him trying to guilt you into having postpartum sex with him before a doctor’s ok is divorce level fucked-upness. Everything else you’re talking about is a nail in the coffin.
