Dear Wendy
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I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. I *thought* I did, but I wasn’t like a lot of people where it felt like I was called to be a mom and I would do whatever it took to make that happen. I got pregnant easily, so I’ll never know if I would have become someone who pursued fertility treatments and/or adoption to become a mom. I know that I was perfectly happy without kids, had a fulfilling life, and felt — and talked about — being happy even if I didn’t have kids. I still feel that way, but of course, it’s hard to say what one would have felt on a different path.
I’m glad I had kids, but I don’t think it’s for everyone, and I never question why someone wouldn’t want to have kids. In fact, I often question why people DO want to have kids!
I hope you get some clarity, and that whatever you decide, you feel peace at what happens.
To lend some insight about why a guy would fade out when he’d been so demonstrative/expressive about his positive feelings, (i.e. saying stuff like “I really like you” and “We’re so great together”): I think a lot of times, in situations like that, the guy is trying to talk himself into the relationship. Like, he recognizes that you’re a great catch and he DOES like you, and he WANTS to feel that spark, so he keeps saying outloud — to you, but really for his own benefit — that you’re awesome, you’re amazing. What you aren’t hearing is the unsaid second half of that comment: “So… why am I feeling hesitant?”
I know that doesn’t make the ghosting suck any less, and of course, it makes things confusing, because how do you know when to trust when someone is making those comments, right? In my experience — and I know this isn’t the case for everyone — when someone is making those kinds of comments early on (like within the few dates), things usually fizzle pretty fast. It’s the guys who have waited until we’ve had some time to get to know each other (like, at least a few weeks) who are most genuine with the “you’re so great” comments.
Spacey, when are you due again?
When I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I wasn’t feeling at all well and Drew declined to even go uptown to Yom Kippur services with his dad. Good thing, as a few hours later, we had a baby. My labor, from first contraction to holding the baby in my arms, was three hours long. We *barely* made it to the hospital in time. Yes, babies come early and they can come fast! Why risk missing this event — or making your wife so stressed out about you missing it that her blood pressure goes up and labor is induced? Of course, no one wants to miss a loved one’s wedding, but your pregnant wife’s well-being and the off-chance that she might actually go into labor should be more important.
I wouldn’t read too much into minimal texting early on, especially if the guy is actually setting up dates, making an effort to come meet you, etc. Everyone is different, but I, personally, would probably be a little weirded out if someone I’d only gone out with once or twice was texting me constantly (as opposed to simply using texts to plan and organize our next date). After, say, 3 dates though, I’d probably expect more regular texting, and might wonder about someone’s interest level if I weren’t getting it (I would not consider lack of texting a deal-breaker. I’d have to consider it on context — the person’s schedule, whether he’s expressed a displeasure with texting, how much interest he was showing in other ways).
On the topic of dating someone who will be moving soon: I did that once before, a couple years before I met Drew. The guy was in his last year of medical school and was upfront about not knowing where he would be matched for his residency. He also had several month-long rotations in other cities that would limit his availability. I decided to date him anyway and in retrospect, I’m glad I did. I mean, the relationship and the boyfriend, specifically were pretty awful, but I learned a lot, and when it ended, I didn’t have to wonder “what if?” Dating him and discovering that he was a terrible match for me meant that he didn’t become this sort of “guy who got away” fantasy in my head that I would compare all future men to.
So, I say, if you’ve got someone you like who has told you he’s moving in a couple of months and that hasn’t completely deterred you from seeing him: go for it. The worst that will happen is you’ll get your heart broken, which you will recover from. The best thing that will happen is somehow you make it work and you find long-lasting love. Most likely, the experience will probably be somewhere in between: kind of angsty, a little fun, a little heartbreaky, but ultimately another learning experience from which you’ll get closer to figuring out what you’re looking for.
Sorry for your loss, Kare. It’s so hard losing a beloved pet!
I don’t think having an age preference in dating necessarily makes anyone shallow (I do think, however, that is’s certainly narrowing the dating pool A LOT when you’re, say, 32 and only want to date men between 28-33, for example, but whatever); my point about the shallowness comes from the comments around how men age and how they don’t take care of themselves as well as women and by their late 30s it shows. actually, I don’t even thinks that’s so much shallow as it is, simply, sexist. And if the tables were reversed and this was a thread of mostly men talking about how harshly women age because they don’t take care of themselves so well, most of us would probably think that would sound pretty sexist.
In recap: talking about how one sex, in general, doesn’t take care of themselves as well as the other sex and they don’t age as well as a result = sexist.
Only wanting to date people of a certain age = personal preference (and, yeah, sometimes that preference might seem more shallow than another preference).
Kate’s right. Looking younger doesn’t equal better. Also, this whole, “I look younger than I am” thing is a little tired. I’ve been told my entire adult life that I look younger than I am — I had a baby face until my early 30s, and as I said, it’s only in the last few years that people don’t act really surprised when I tell them my age. Occasionally, I still get the ‘You don’t look 40’ comments. Actually, I do. This is what 40 looks like now. At least, if you’ve lived a life that’s been moderately comfortable and you take minimum care of yourself.
And, really, does 30 look that different from 26? No. And 35 doesn’t look that different than 30. And at 40, no one is going to call me a liar if I say I’m 35. When someone tells you you look a few years younger than you are, they’re just trying to flatter you, because really, there’s no discernible difference between 27 and 32. Now, if you’re 40 and people are regularly telling you you look 27, that might mean something. But, being told you look 3-5 years younger than you are? Eh. Just flattery. Because we’re told over and over and over than looking younger is the best, and so, when you’re meeting someone new and you want to ingratiate yourself, you say that person looks younger. And so many of us eat that up.
Also, it’s not really true — that women age better than men. I look among my peers — you know, we’re middle-aged… — and the men usually have aged better than the women, especially when kids are in the picture.
Don’t sweat it, LadyE. I don’t think you, or anyone else for that matter, meant to say anything offensive at all. I only know you online, but from what I can tell, you’re a kind, loving person.
But… yeah, some of these comments (yours included) did come across as a little judgmental. And i think if the tables were turned and we were hearing about a group of men discussing women in terms of how they age and the toll aging takes on their looks, we’d be pretty bummed out. I wanted to point that out, not so much to point fingers or embarrass anyone, but to give some food for thought.
Have fun!
ugh — coming home to messes after being away is the worst. We had to have all our rugs steam cleaned in october when we came back to Missouri to two sick cats. Not as bad as pissing up a wall and ceiling, though. Sorry, Mark.
