Dear Wendy

I’m not sure that’s exactly true though, Dre. Maybe it’s true of the average single 30-year-old man or the average 30-year-old man who is active on dating sites. But there is also a demographic of 30-year-old men who have been married/committed for a few years. Obviously, that pool of men isn’t going to be on dating sites looking for a match. So, yeah, when doing online dating, I’d say (hetero) women who are 27+ and looking for serious relationships should be focusing their search on 32+ (and add a year for every year you are older than 27, so if you’re 31, you target minimum age is about 36). I mean, this shouldn’t come as a shock that for a lot of men (and women!), online dating is simply an easy way to browse for casual hookups. The older you target your search, the more like you are to broaden the pool of potential matches who are looking for something more serious (and who are more mature themselves).

I don’t think most single guys pay attention to whether it’s Valentine’s Day or not. I certainly wouldn’t hold that against someone. That’d be like if I didn’t realize it was Superbowl Sunday and a guy wondered if I lived in a hole. No, I don’t; I just don’t give a shit about football and generally am not exposed to sports news because it’s not part of my life/ social network/ media consumption. And, I don’t know, he might have felt a little embarrassed when you pointed out that it was Valentine’s Day, in a “Oh, I hope she doesn’t think this is a Valentine’s date” and then he might have erred on the side of being anti-romantic with the sports injury talk and splitting the bill. Just a theory.

It’s not abut projecting a vibe; it’s about choosing men who will treat you the way you expect (and maybe think you deserve?) to be treated. The “vibe” doesn’t even matter. It’s all about the pattern here, which is long-established in the men you choose to pursue. I’m suggesting that one way to help break the pattern is to make a completely different choice in the kind of men you choose to pursue. Like, go out with someone you ordinarily wouldn’t even notice in a crowded room. (And I think lots of people could benefit from this advice, not just you, Dre; I’m looking at several people who comment heavily on this thread who seem to have long-established patterns in the men they choose to pursue and the kinds of dates/relationships they end up having and the reaction they then have to those guys who inevitably ghost them.).

It’s not really about white vs. black; it’s about dating against type. It’s something I’ve been meaning to write a post about for weeks and haven’t had a chance to get to yet. I think when we date against type — go out with someone we ordinarily would overlook for whatever reason (including, but of course not limited to, race), something happens on a psychological level that helps breaks patterns we aren’t even aware we perpetuate in the choices we make — choices that we often make subconsciously.
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I didn’t mean to single you out. I just remembered what your specific type is (or, isn’t, as the case may be) and wondered if you’d dated against that type in the last year or so. Sorry if the question offended you.

I actually agree with both JimmyJam and Veritek here. Definitely, it’s important to be yourself, even — especially — in the first six months. But I think if being yourself at this time means having regular meltdowns (and that’s not what ktfran is doing, but Veritek, it sounds like maybe that’s how you were behaving with what’s his face? Tinder Teacher?), then it’s reasonable that someone who is just getting to know you and figuring out if you are relationship material might think that you’ve either got too much drama going on right now to be truly be open to pursuing a relationship or YOU are just too much drama for him. That’s fair. If I’d been on a handful of dates with someone and he was melting down about various things, I’d be inclined to step back and really consider whether this was a good time to pursue this person. I might think he was overall a good match but this was bad timing, or I might just be turned off by the hysterics. When someone has only a small window into who you are simply because there hasn’t been enough time and history to see a bigger picture, and what he’s seeing so far is a lot of crying, then it’s reasonable that he might assume that a bigger picture includes more crying.

It’s hard, when life affects who we are and how we behave at any given period of time to give a full, honest impression of our entire selves. But that’s what dating is — trying to give a full, honest view of yourself… trying to make the small picture reflect the bigger picture (or at least be enticing enough so pursuer continues opening the window a little wider to get a bigger view). This is why, when people are going through challenging or traumatic periods, it might be a good idea to put the pursuit of a relationship on hold, until you’re better able to give an accurate picture of yourself in small bursts of time.

You’re like, 31 or so, right? So… ten years older really isn’t that big of a deal. Actually, I’d say that age difference sounds about right. Him being “very conservative” sounds gross, but maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds. Unless he’s racist or homophobic or sexist, it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker maybe. and, you know, I think giving someone whose looks you are “normally attracted to” a chance can be a pretty powerful thing. Having fun talking to someone is super important. It’s half the battle. Or at least a third of the battle. And who cares if he lives three hours away. You said yourself you live in a smallish town where the prospects are very limited. Don’t assume every long-distance thing is going to be like it was with TT. If this guy really likes you and is willing to come see you and take you out, let him. If after spending a real date with him — just the two of you — you aren’t feeling it, move on. But I don’t see what harm there is in going out with a guy you think is nice and decent looking and you have fun talking to and who really likes you.