Dear Wendy

I actually agree with both JimmyJam and Veritek here. Definitely, it’s important to be yourself, even — especially — in the first six months. But I think if being yourself at this time means having regular meltdowns (and that’s not what ktfran is doing, but Veritek, it sounds like maybe that’s how you were behaving with what’s his face? Tinder Teacher?), then it’s reasonable that someone who is just getting to know you and figuring out if you are relationship material might think that you’ve either got too much drama going on right now to be truly be open to pursuing a relationship or YOU are just too much drama for him. That’s fair. If I’d been on a handful of dates with someone and he was melting down about various things, I’d be inclined to step back and really consider whether this was a good time to pursue this person. I might think he was overall a good match but this was bad timing, or I might just be turned off by the hysterics. When someone has only a small window into who you are simply because there hasn’t been enough time and history to see a bigger picture, and what he’s seeing so far is a lot of crying, then it’s reasonable that he might assume that a bigger picture includes more crying.

It’s hard, when life affects who we are and how we behave at any given period of time to give a full, honest impression of our entire selves. But that’s what dating is — trying to give a full, honest view of yourself… trying to make the small picture reflect the bigger picture (or at least be enticing enough so pursuer continues opening the window a little wider to get a bigger view). This is why, when people are going through challenging or traumatic periods, it might be a good idea to put the pursuit of a relationship on hold, until you’re better able to give an accurate picture of yourself in small bursts of time.

You’re like, 31 or so, right? So… ten years older really isn’t that big of a deal. Actually, I’d say that age difference sounds about right. Him being “very conservative” sounds gross, but maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds. Unless he’s racist or homophobic or sexist, it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker maybe. and, you know, I think giving someone whose looks you are “normally attracted to” a chance can be a pretty powerful thing. Having fun talking to someone is super important. It’s half the battle. Or at least a third of the battle. And who cares if he lives three hours away. You said yourself you live in a smallish town where the prospects are very limited. Don’t assume every long-distance thing is going to be like it was with TT. If this guy really likes you and is willing to come see you and take you out, let him. If after spending a real date with him — just the two of you — you aren’t feeling it, move on. But I don’t see what harm there is in going out with a guy you think is nice and decent looking and you have fun talking to and who really likes you.

I agree with Kate. Create the life you want NOW. Don’t wait for the partner. Admittedly, I haven’t read all of your posts, but the ones I have read circle around several themes:

– Issues with your mother’s mental and physical health and the toll those issues take on your and your relationship with her and your parents

– working a lot

– selling and buying your own homes

– adventures in dating

Maybe I’ve missed the posts that discuss the fun you’re having with friends and the hobbies you have and the stuff you like to do on your own (or, again, with friends) when you aren’t working, and the way you’re designing and decorating your home, and what your plans are for your yard, etc. And maybe you haven’t written about that stuff but it’s all a part of your life, which, great. But I bet there’s room in your life for more of all of this. And if there isn’t, you need to make room (even if making the room means cutting out the dating for a bit). I lived alone for years before I moved in with Drew and since we were long distance for a year and a half, that period was kind of an extension of my solo lifestyle (minus the dating around part), and I had such a full life — so full, in fact, that it was very hard to leave much of it behind to move to NYC to be with Drew.

That’s the place you want to be at — have a life that’s so well-rounded and rich in friendship and activity that a love interest will be a bonus not a crutch.

JimmyJam, this post has been around longer than you have been posting. We don’t need a man (or a woman!) coming around telling us who can and can’t post (on a thread they started!) and what they can and can’t write about. I actually value your voice and opinion here, but you have to see how grossly patronizing and, frankly, patriarchal it is for a man to come to a mostly female website and very quickly start telling longtime posters what they should and shouldn’t be posting about. I don’t care what this post is titled, it is months-old and has and can veer off-topic. Veritek is more than welcome to write about bad dates, good dates, boring dates, and great dates. For her sake, I hope she has more of the latter to write about, though I agree that taking some time to work on her issues will help her make emotional space for those great dates to happen.

Also, yes to jimmyjam’s point that TT could very well be dating other women. And having sex with them, too. It would partly explain why he wouldn’t jump your bones the second he saw you and instead waited hours and even put on Sherlock before trying to bone you. (That’s the correct timeline, right?). definitely a red flag if a guy’s watching a whole fucking episode of any TV show without trying to bone the woman he hasn’t seen in a few weeks.

He’s a douchebag, LadyE. This isn’t your fault. But you do need to get some therapy so you can recognize and stop the pattern of choosing these men who are unavailable to you and treat you like shit. Once you address that, you will meet the right person eventually. But until you address the issues, you will continue this awful, painful pattern. I wish you only the best!