Dear Wendy
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Hang in there, Ver. In the past, before I met Drew, I found that whenever I was in a bad head space, dating was really the worst thing for me. It made me question every move I made, and I found myself measuring my self worth by a guy’s opinion of me and his response to me. It wasn’t until I took a little break from dating and decided to focus on getting my head together and making emotional space for a healthy relationship that the right person found me. Maybe this isn’t the right time for you to be trying to date. You are, understandably, feeling vulnerable. And while vulnerability has its place in a relationship, it’s not always the best point from which to move forward confidently.
Also, yes to jimmyjam’s point that TT could very well be dating other women. And having sex with them, too. It would partly explain why he wouldn’t jump your bones the second he saw you and instead waited hours and even put on Sherlock before trying to bone you. (That’s the correct timeline, right?). definitely a red flag if a guy’s watching a whole fucking episode of any TV show without trying to bone the woman he hasn’t seen in a few weeks.
I totally agree with Jimmyjam’s take re. Tinder Teacher. First of all, I was once dating a 35+ year-old long distance and it’s true that men past 35 have trouble getting up more than man under 35, but if you haven’t seen in each other in weeks, you haven’t had a ton of alcohol and you only had sex once over the weekend and it was hours earlier, and he didn’t seem super frustrated (because he really wanted to have sex and his dick wasn’t cooperating), then, yeah, something might be off. That doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you. But it may mean he’s evaluating his feelings for you and your relationship.
I don’t know, this is my take, but it seems you gut super comfortable with him really fast. I completely understand the appeal of cozy, low-key dates, but when you’re long distance and you’ve *just* started dating and you’ve seen each other a handful of times, it does seem … odd that you’d go to dinner and then go home and watch TV. Where’s the excitement? Why are you having to initiate sex with him? when you haven’t seen each other in a few weeks? When I was long distance, that’s like the first thing we’d do upon seeing each other. and then if we stayed in, it was because that’s what we were doing not because we were watching TV. Girl, that’s what old, married couples with a couple of young kids do (and I should know).
Also, the meltdown thing: I think that a guy who was super into you, wouldn’t freak out about that and would instead, maybe feel flattered or be sort of into having a position of comforting you and feeling needed by you. But a guy who might be on the fence or have a slow-simmer of feelings or having second thoughts about early strong feelings could very well be turned off by all that TMI. That’s not to say you should hold back, emotionally — although, yeah, there’s something to be said for keeping an air of mystery — but realize that that is another version of coming on strong. And depending on the status of your relationship and the status of a guy’s feelings for you, that could… well, be a boner killer.
He’s a douchebag, LadyE. This isn’t your fault. But you do need to get some therapy so you can recognize and stop the pattern of choosing these men who are unavailable to you and treat you like shit. Once you address that, you will meet the right person eventually. But until you address the issues, you will continue this awful, painful pattern. I wish you only the best!
LadyE – definitely a red flag that he did;t cover your $5 beer (while buying three for himself, plus food, and after you trekked out a ways to see him). Also a red flag: three dates and no kiss yet. I don’t know about this one…
Great that you’re keeping your options open, LadyE! Hope you have a wonderful date!
Yeah, and I’m sorry but if a kiss “is not what he wants” after three fucking months together, then YOU aren’t what he wants. And you need to know that yesterday and MOA.
LadyE: you dated a guy for almost a YEAR who claimed to be asexual? Was he claiming that from the very beginning or only at the end and that’s why you broke up with him? Because I think it’s really telling for someone who claims NOT to be asexual to get serious with someone who IS. Like, if someone I was interested in told me he was asexual, I’d be all “buy-bye” right away, as would anyone who wants a normal and healthy sexual/physical relationship.
That relationship coupled with the fact that you’ve been in numerous relationships with guys whom you describe as weird when it comes to the physical side of the relationship indicates that YOU are different in that area, too. Which is fine. If you’re asexual and this guy is asexual, then you could be a perfect match. But if you aren’t aexual and eventually do want a sexual relationship with Hippie guy, then I see a couple of problems here.
The first one is the one everyone’s talking about — this guy is off and probably will always be off. If he hasn’t kissed you after three months, I don’t see how he’s going to just kiss you tomorrow and then, boom, everything is great physically. No, there’s something wrong in the picture and here you are developing this intense emotional connection when you have zero signs that the physical part is going to fall into place or be a match and so when you learn that it probably won’t fall into place, I think there’s a very strong possibility you will be heartbroken like you were with the asexual boyfriend (WHY are you repeating this pattern?!).
2. And that brings me to the second problem: there’s something off with you. I’m sorry if that’s insensitive, but I can’t think of a gentler way to say it. There’s a pattern here in the guys you choose to get very attached to and, as Kate said earlier, you are the common denominator. Why do you continue pursuing men who show absolutely zero interest in your physically? Are you afraid of sex? Think you don’t deserve it? Do you have a traumatic past that is affecting things? Obviously, these are not question you need to answer here — I’m simply asking rhetorical questions you should ask yourself or, better yet, ask with the guidance of a therapist. Because, yes, there’s most definitely something “off” here as everyone keeps saying and it’s not just with Hippie guy. Anyone who isn’t asexual herself and would choose to date an asexual man for a whole year, get her heart broken, and then date a guy for three months who hasn’t even kissed her yet, has some issues that need to be addressed. Maybe it boils down to you not being honest with yourself, and maybe you’re asexual, too. I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer is here, but I do know that until you address these issues — YOUR issues, not just his — that you won’t have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship, with Hippie guy or anyone else.
Me too, Kate, me too! I’m curious about how a relationship like this progresses from here. Is there an happy ending? Keep us posted, LadyE!
Three hours distance really isn’t so bad. You could easily meet halfway, like lianne suggests. When Drew and I started dating, we were half a country apart and sometimes had to go 4 weeks without seeing each other, and even when we DID see each other, it meant the expense of plane tickets, long commutes, and often missing a day or two of work. You guys are in a much more ideal situation. You can definitely make this work if you’re both committed to seeing if there’s potential for something real here.
That sounds lovely, veritek! I’m excited for you, and happy birthday!
This actually isn’t all that conventional… for the friend zone.
