Dear Wendy

I agree with Kate. Create the life you want NOW. Don’t wait for the partner. Admittedly, I haven’t read all of your posts, but the ones I have read circle around several themes:

– Issues with your mother’s mental and physical health and the toll those issues take on your and your relationship with her and your parents

– working a lot

– selling and buying your own homes

– adventures in dating

Maybe I’ve missed the posts that discuss the fun you’re having with friends and the hobbies you have and the stuff you like to do on your own (or, again, with friends) when you aren’t working, and the way you’re designing and decorating your home, and what your plans are for your yard, etc. And maybe you haven’t written about that stuff but it’s all a part of your life, which, great. But I bet there’s room in your life for more of all of this. And if there isn’t, you need to make room (even if making the room means cutting out the dating for a bit). I lived alone for years before I moved in with Drew and since we were long distance for a year and a half, that period was kind of an extension of my solo lifestyle (minus the dating around part), and I had such a full life — so full, in fact, that it was very hard to leave much of it behind to move to NYC to be with Drew.

That’s the place you want to be at — have a life that’s so well-rounded and rich in friendship and activity that a love interest will be a bonus not a crutch.

JimmyJam, this post has been around longer than you have been posting. We don’t need a man (or a woman!) coming around telling us who can and can’t post (on a thread they started!) and what they can and can’t write about. I actually value your voice and opinion here, but you have to see how grossly patronizing and, frankly, patriarchal it is for a man to come to a mostly female website and very quickly start telling longtime posters what they should and shouldn’t be posting about. I don’t care what this post is titled, it is months-old and has and can veer off-topic. Veritek is more than welcome to write about bad dates, good dates, boring dates, and great dates. For her sake, I hope she has more of the latter to write about, though I agree that taking some time to work on her issues will help her make emotional space for those great dates to happen.

Also, yes to jimmyjam’s point that TT could very well be dating other women. And having sex with them, too. It would partly explain why he wouldn’t jump your bones the second he saw you and instead waited hours and even put on Sherlock before trying to bone you. (That’s the correct timeline, right?). definitely a red flag if a guy’s watching a whole fucking episode of any TV show without trying to bone the woman he hasn’t seen in a few weeks.

He’s a douchebag, LadyE. This isn’t your fault. But you do need to get some therapy so you can recognize and stop the pattern of choosing these men who are unavailable to you and treat you like shit. Once you address that, you will meet the right person eventually. But until you address the issues, you will continue this awful, painful pattern. I wish you only the best!

Great that you’re keeping your options open, LadyE! Hope you have a wonderful date!

LadyE: you dated a guy for almost a YEAR who claimed to be asexual? Was he claiming that from the very beginning or only at the end and that’s why you broke up with him? Because I think it’s really telling for someone who claims NOT to be asexual to get serious with someone who IS. Like, if someone I was interested in told me he was asexual, I’d be all “buy-bye” right away, as would anyone who wants a normal and healthy sexual/physical relationship.

That relationship coupled with the fact that you’ve been in numerous relationships with guys whom you describe as weird when it comes to the physical side of the relationship indicates that YOU are different in that area, too. Which is fine. If you’re asexual and this guy is asexual, then you could be a perfect match. But if you aren’t aexual and eventually do want a sexual relationship with Hippie guy, then I see a couple of problems here.

The first one is the one everyone’s talking about — this guy is off and probably will always be off. If he hasn’t kissed you after three months, I don’t see how he’s going to just kiss you tomorrow and then, boom, everything is great physically. No, there’s something wrong in the picture and here you are developing this intense emotional connection when you have zero signs that the physical part is going to fall into place or be a match and so when you learn that it probably won’t fall into place, I think there’s a very strong possibility you will be heartbroken like you were with the asexual boyfriend (WHY are you repeating this pattern?!).

2. And that brings me to the second problem: there’s something off with you. I’m sorry if that’s insensitive, but I can’t think of a gentler way to say it. There’s a pattern here in the guys you choose to get very attached to and, as Kate said earlier, you are the common denominator. Why do you continue pursuing men who show absolutely zero interest in your physically? Are you afraid of sex? Think you don’t deserve it? Do you have a traumatic past that is affecting things? Obviously, these are not question you need to answer here — I’m simply asking rhetorical questions you should ask yourself or, better yet, ask with the guidance of a therapist. Because, yes, there’s most definitely something “off” here as everyone keeps saying and it’s not just with Hippie guy. Anyone who isn’t asexual herself and would choose to date an asexual man for a whole year, get her heart broken, and then date a guy for three months who hasn’t even kissed her yet, has some issues that need to be addressed. Maybe it boils down to you not being honest with yourself, and maybe you’re asexual, too. I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer is here, but I do know that until you address these issues — YOUR issues, not just his — that you won’t have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship, with Hippie guy or anyone else.