Dear Wendy

Great that you’re keeping your options open, LadyE! Hope you have a wonderful date!

LadyE: you dated a guy for almost a YEAR who claimed to be asexual? Was he claiming that from the very beginning or only at the end and that’s why you broke up with him? Because I think it’s really telling for someone who claims NOT to be asexual to get serious with someone who IS. Like, if someone I was interested in told me he was asexual, I’d be all “buy-bye” right away, as would anyone who wants a normal and healthy sexual/physical relationship.

That relationship coupled with the fact that you’ve been in numerous relationships with guys whom you describe as weird when it comes to the physical side of the relationship indicates that YOU are different in that area, too. Which is fine. If you’re asexual and this guy is asexual, then you could be a perfect match. But if you aren’t aexual and eventually do want a sexual relationship with Hippie guy, then I see a couple of problems here.

The first one is the one everyone’s talking about — this guy is off and probably will always be off. If he hasn’t kissed you after three months, I don’t see how he’s going to just kiss you tomorrow and then, boom, everything is great physically. No, there’s something wrong in the picture and here you are developing this intense emotional connection when you have zero signs that the physical part is going to fall into place or be a match and so when you learn that it probably won’t fall into place, I think there’s a very strong possibility you will be heartbroken like you were with the asexual boyfriend (WHY are you repeating this pattern?!).

2. And that brings me to the second problem: there’s something off with you. I’m sorry if that’s insensitive, but I can’t think of a gentler way to say it. There’s a pattern here in the guys you choose to get very attached to and, as Kate said earlier, you are the common denominator. Why do you continue pursuing men who show absolutely zero interest in your physically? Are you afraid of sex? Think you don’t deserve it? Do you have a traumatic past that is affecting things? Obviously, these are not question you need to answer here — I’m simply asking rhetorical questions you should ask yourself or, better yet, ask with the guidance of a therapist. Because, yes, there’s most definitely something “off” here as everyone keeps saying and it’s not just with Hippie guy. Anyone who isn’t asexual herself and would choose to date an asexual man for a whole year, get her heart broken, and then date a guy for three months who hasn’t even kissed her yet, has some issues that need to be addressed. Maybe it boils down to you not being honest with yourself, and maybe you’re asexual, too. I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer is here, but I do know that until you address these issues — YOUR issues, not just his — that you won’t have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship, with Hippie guy or anyone else.

Three hours distance really isn’t so bad. You could easily meet halfway, like lianne suggests. When Drew and I started dating, we were half a country apart and sometimes had to go 4 weeks without seeing each other, and even when we DID see each other, it meant the expense of plane tickets, long commutes, and often missing a day or two of work. You guys are in a much more ideal situation. You can definitely make this work if you’re both committed to seeing if there’s potential for something real here.

This actually isn’t all that conventional… for the friend zone.

I once went out on four dates with a guy who never kissed me and I remember thinking that was so weird and what did he want and was the something wrong with him or wrong with me. I think I was just so ready to find someone and had talked him up in my head and made excuses for the lack of chemistry that I probably would have given him a fifth date (and maybe more!) to make a move, but he ended up ghosting me after the fourth and that was that.

When a guy’s really into you and not just trying to figure out if he’s into you and not trying to talk himself into being into a woman who’s good on paper, you won’t need four or five or six (or seven or eight or nine!!!) dates before you know. He will remove all doubt earlier than that. And if he doesn’t, well, he’s probably not someone who’d be good at a relationship anyway.

Dating: it really, really sucks. Until it totally doesn’t.

I say if there’s no kiss at the end of tomorrow’s date, MOA. Eight dates and nothing physical sends alarm bells. Something is off. And what’s the point in trying to figure out what that something is and trying to fix it? No point. I’ve had a couple times in my life when I went out with a guy three or four times and got not so much as a kiss and it was always a sign that we weren’t right for each other. I’m sorry – I know that sucks to hear, but if I were you, I wouldn’t waste any more time on this guy if something doesn’t happen by the end of tomorrow’s date.

Also, I think it sort of says something that of the three date options you gave him, he chose the most g-rated (not to mention the shortest time commitment). I mean, you can get frisky in a dark movie theater. You can definitely get frisky in someone’s home. But a crowded ice cream parlor on a summer evening? Cute, sure, but not very sexy. I’d think my date 8 (or is it 7?), a guy would want to go sexy. But… let’s see what happens.