Dear Wendy
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Since my advice and tone was agreeable to you, I’m going to reiterate what others are saying that yes, we can see how this woman you characterize as a cool, smart, funny woman whom you’d like to see again, perceived you as being pushy. We, as women, have experience being women on first dates with men who are pushy. Your behavior makes us think of those experiences. Some of those experiences may have been especially bad and so we come from that perspective. I, personally, have hooked up on a first date before and I ended up marrying the guy and we’ve been together 17 years, so I have that perspective and that may be why I come across a little more gentle here. But the situation was totally different, and if it were a date where I was meeting the guy in person for the first time and didn’t have any mutual friends or connections, I’d be very leery about going home with him. I’m also not in my 20s anymore and would date differently now than I did then, when I was last single.
Anyway, bottom line: you seem a little pushy, both in the way your describe your date and in how you’re behaving here. It may not be an issue for some women, but for it is for most of us and you would have better dating success if you humbled yourself a bit and erred on the side of taking things more slowly when it comes to getting physically intimate.
I think it depends on the person – some women might welcome being asked twice to go home together – but on the first date, it’s probably best to err on the side of *not* suggesting that more than once even at the risk of missing an opportunity for sex. More often than not, it’s going to wave a red flag if you’re pushy right off the bat about getting intimate. If this woman last night was on the fence about her feelings for you or was trying to figure it out, your pushiness didn’t tip the balance in your favor, but if she liked everything else about you and the connection she was feeling, being a little pushy may not have been a deal-breaker.
I’m assuming that you meant that things have been rocky with your boyfriend since June 2022 and not June 2021, since the latter would mean that your entire relationship has been rocky versus “just” 2/3 of it. Regardless, you know you need to leave this dude, and if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. I get that you’re afraid of being alone, but it’s ok to be afraid of something. Do it anyway. Be alone for a while. You are not able to have a functional happy romantic relationship right now so stop trying. I promise, there is life outside dysfunctional relationships. Feel the fear and do it anyway! Be brave! Make a commitment to yourself and your daughter that you will refrain from dating anyone for AT LEAST a whole year, and in that time focus on the two of you. Consider therapy to work through whatever issues are preventing you from seeking/attracting men with whom you can develop a mutually respectful relationship. Invest in friendships, your health, your community, and, of course, your daughter. In time, you will see how full and enriching and lovely life can be when you aren’t so distracted by messed men and dysfunctional relationships.
June, considering your own issues – especially around figuring out your own identity and how and when to come out to people – you needn’t be worrying yourself with anyone else’s identity and their path to discovering who they are. It’s not your job to show them the possibilities and help them determine which label best fits them. It’s wonderful that young people have so much more freedom than older generations – like mine – did to figure out and express who they are, but sometimes I think that’s made them a little label-obsessed. It’s like you’re all in a rush to figure out which box you fit into. Your friend will figure out who she is and who and what and whether she’s attracted to others or not in time. You all are so young; you’ve got nothing but years and years to figure this stuff out and to evolve and develop as you mature. What a wonderful journey to be on! Just let it unfold on its own. No slideshows necessary.
I’m sorry the weird login thing keeps happening. My developer has looked into this multiple times and can’t find the issue; he says everyone should clear their caches.
So sorry you’re going through this! I echo everyone else’s affirmation that it’s not only OK to get divorced, but it’s healthy and even admirable to acknowledge when something has run its course and no longer serves you or has a future. Taking vows to be with someone through sickness and health and through good and bad doesn’t mean enduring unending hell with little to no hope for improvement or reconnection. You’ve fulfilled your obligation as a committed husband. But the relationship has dramatically changed and it’s ok to change the scope of your commitment, too. You can still love your wife, wish her well, and want the best for her without sacrificing your own well-being (which doesn’t really work to make her happy, anyway).
Stick with therapy as your process these changes in your life. You are probably on the brink of a breakthrough, though it might feel like. breakdown for a while. There’s hope and life and opportunities waiting on the other side.
I’d that a good stage to be in? What’s the timeline of the filling the position?
Wow, that’s intense, LadyE. How did you all handle the most recent holiday season?
Yeah, I don’t blame you. Sounds pretty toxic!
Woah, what’s their relationship like now as divorced roommates? They don’t share a bedroom, do they?
Drew handles all the money stuff, which I’m really grateful for because I’m bad at that stuff. We have retirement funds and investments and a financial advisor he speaks with quarterly to help manage all that. Then, we have two shared savings and checking accounts that we each have access to but one is his and one is mine. We can easily transfer money between the two, and do on occasion. My income has varied greatly over the past 12 years since I became self-employed, so what I contribute to has also varied, but in flush years, my income has paid for all the groceries, childcare, house cleaning every two weeks, some vacations, and most of my “fun” expenses (drinks with friends, concert tickets, etc), and maintenance (like haircuts). In less flush years, like since the pandemic started, just house cleaning and my personal expenses.
I’ve always thought of myself as a self-employed part-time worker and basically a full-time SAHM. Between professional house cleaning every two weeks, I do 95% of the cleaning, most of the laundry, most of the cooking, and tedious things like cleaning out the kids’ closets (getting rid of clothes they’ve outgrown, buying new clothes) and maintaining their social and extracurricular schedules. Since Drew started working from home two years ago, he pitches in a bit more around the house and with the kids (he’s so active with the kids). We feel like we’re in a really good place as far as division of labor and expenses. Drew working from home has been a game-changer for us. He saving 7 1/2 hours each week not commuting anymore. It’s wonderful. But, he would be fucking psyched if I suddenly started making a lot of money. I can’t imagine that will ever happen with my skills set, but he would be 100% on board.
Leslie, that’s a great tip about dramamine! I didn’t even think of that but I’m going to go get some to have on hand. I think the vertigo is my least favorite symptom… after the insomnia. Or, maybe they’re tied. Actually, all of it is bad! If men went through menopause, there would have been so much research and so many clinical trials by now and we’d have better treatments – and info! – than what’s available now.
I do have a couple friends who are 50+ who have had hardly any symptoms besides lots of missed periods, so there’s hope for those of you who haven’t experienced the fun yet. Maybe you’ll be among the lucky ones who have a relatively easy time through perimenopause.
